Dear Sir
Hi Old Man. I don’t know why I call you Old Man, but somehow I seem to picture you as one.
I must tell you I’m one of your greatest fans. Every Sunday I buy my favourite newspaper (Sunday Standard), and guess where I rush to first, my favourite column, Loose Canon.
You are a Star, Loose Canon. In fact, I think you should produce a yearly newsletter or simply a compilation of your best articles at the end of every year and sell the booklet titled ‘Loose Canon Unleashed’ for a relatively good price.
The number one reason is that, some of us buy newspapers to read but before we know it our cousins or somebody has taken them to the toilet and use them as the loo paper.
Can you imagine the stress those of us who buy newspapers go through? Just imagine, I often look for my favourite article only to find a piece of it has being left in an unreadable format in the toilet by a cousin. So I think we should have a Loose Canon magazine or whatever you may call it. Produce a periodical of Loose Canon.
I still remember the great articles you wrote, especially those ones when you wrote to Pretty Face asking her to leave Old Man for you. You later apologised when you found out Old Man had discovered the photos you sent to her.
I still remember how you were touched when the Americans started to expose Marion Jones for usage of steroids; you simply blamed that heavyweight husband of hers. You knew something was wrong as soon as she started dating that big Olympiad guy. In fact, she once tried being a modeller and what happened?
The one that makes me laugh is where you say that they knew that to get to you they knew they had to hurt Marion. They did it all to hurt you.
You amazed me when you wrote to Barack Obama and told him he should keep his Kenyan cousins away from the White House because you know Africans; they will want to slaughter goats and chickens in the White House and call it some African culture.
How about when you said they will show videos of his uncles and cousins sitting on plastic chairs around a fire in the White House premises. I almost forwarded that article to the MSNBC until I remembered copyright laws. I think you yourself should do that.
You have written great letters to great men. I still remember your letter to President Bush.
You said you love America, unlike the rogue state leaders that are just jealous of America. They claim to hate America but they play American music, wear American clothes and yet they say they are fighting for their peoples’ freedom and they hate America. They are crazily oppressing their own people. You love America and I do too. In fact, ever since I read that letter, I love America more and I appreciate their love for freedom.
America, that great nation, a leader of innovation and technology. If it wasn’t America, we would still be in the Stone Age or dark ages.
I can’t write about all the letters but I loved all of them.
I think if you stopped writing with the great sense of humour that you espouse, I would stop buying.
Just one request before I sign off, can you ask ‘Below the Belt’ to up his/her game! The humour is not there anymore. Below the Belt was once a hit, these days, no ways; it’s just boring straight forward stuff. In fact, why have they resorted to repeating stuff that we’ve read before. I hope they are not copying this repeat nonsense from BTV? What happened to creativity?
As for you Loose Canon, keep writing those letters to whomsoever it may concern.
By the way, can you write a letter To Whom It May Concern about the darkness that now prevails over our country due to the lack of planning between both our BPC and ESKOM? These great power utilities have decided to take us back to Stone Age or the Dark ages by turning off our power on a daily basis every evening. Now they have even produced a timetable to show how the dark ages will revolve from city to city, not even a single village to be spared. We were just getting civilised, now they are taking us decades backwards.
What happened to planning for possible future eventualities? Don’t these great utilities have analysts/planners, people who can look forward into the future, predict the possible high demand for electricity as we see happening? We are so proud of them; yea, they, at least, managed to remind us of exactly what Stone Age times looked like. The only explanation we get is that, “it’s a regional problem”.
Don’t they know nothing about contingency planning? Only a great writer like you Loose Canon can put this down the way only you know how? The sarcasm, irony and humour, I’m looking forward to that letter. I have no idea how you would put it, but I know I will be laughing my lungs out.
Your Loyal and Faithful Reader
