Monday, September 28, 2020

A nice job for Tawana!

Hooray my babe is back. The girl is back home.

I missed her triumphant homecoming because I was sick in hospital. Well not exactly, but chilling and trying to recharge my batteries. Sometimes a man must talk to their favourite doctor and get himself admitted for a non physical disease like stress.
I mean, we all need a break at one time or the other. That is what I decided to do. Get my doctor to book me into hospital on the basis of a fictitious ailment. There, I spent a whole week, pampered by nice looking nurses.

Whenever I felt like some company, I would buzz the distress alarm, and the nurses would rush to my bedside and check my blood pressure. At times I would simulate a heart attack and they would summon the doctor. I had great fun in hospital.

I read the papers, slept and watched telly. I had it all, nice looking nurses, warm nutritious food and the chance to see who cared about me strongly enough to come and visit. That is why I missed the homecoming of our girl from Big Brother Africa. But lounging in hospital, I watched the show right around the clock. Imagine if I had not booked in sick and missed the show because I had to go to work?
No way. Not me.

The reason I missed the homecoming was because I could not all of a sudden claim a miraculous recovery when I had been feigning heart attacks and extreme memory loss. By the time the eviction came, I was in the middle of another attack, and a pretty nurse was checking my state of being on a monitor.
I am now out of hospital. Our girl is back home from Big Brother.

I don’t understand the locals.
Everyone is up in arms over what Tawana got up to in Big Brother. This is rank hypocrisy. How do they know what she did if they were not watching the show? I can bet my bottom dollar that none of the howlers ever so much as switched off their television sets when the action got all hot and steamy.

I am a liberal. People of our tribe believe that every individual should be allowed to do what they want for as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others. We believe people should be allowed to drink as much as they want. We believe people should be allowed to dance until they drop and retire to bed when they so choose. That is what liberals subscribe to.

By the same token everyone should be permitted to use their bodies as they please. Liberals think prostitution is not a bad thing at all. It allows women to use their bodies to earn a living by sleeping with whomsoever they please.

We think it is much better than sleeping with some partner for free in the name of love. We don’t believe in love because it is the greatest piece of fraud ever perpetrated against women. Today many women are in bondage because of a fraudulent notion called love. I think there are very few liberals in this country. There used to be only one. Me. Now I am proud to announce our numbers are growing in leaps and bounds.

Today there are two of us. Tawana and me. This girl is a liberal. She probably does not know it. But she is. She believes in the freedom to do whatever takes her fancy. She has no qualms sleeping with a bunch of foreigners in front of scores of cameras. In the not too distant future all the people who are saying nasty things about Tawana will be begging for money from her.

You see, producers from Hollywood have been watching Big Brother. They liked what they saw. Before long this girl will be an international superstar. She will be starring in some of the best blue movies in the industry. That is my girl.

Soon, she will be sleeping with lots of men for lots of money.
On Big Brother, she did it for fun. Not anymore. Big money is coming her way.

In the meantime, before Hollywood comes knocking, what to do with our wonderful ambassador? A role must be found for her. Granted she cannot become a motivational speaker advising school children about the dangers of multiple sex partners. Admittedly she is not exactly a normal role model. But there are other things she can do for the good of the country before she starts her new career as a porn star.

I think the government should show a bit of imagination. For instance, this country is trying to attract more tourists as a way of diversifying the economy. That is a long phrase with big words. I don’t know what it means exactly. But it sounds good.

Anyway, Tawana should be roped in to help in the campaign. My girl would deliver so many tourists other countries would want to copy from us. The government would be so proud they will beg her not to join the blue movie industry.

You see, the government can work out an arrangement whereby every male tourist who arrives at the airport is greeted with a smile. They would then be asked how long they intend to stay. They would be asked if they want to relax. If the answer is affirmative, they would be invited into a plush room at the airport.

There, they would be greeted by a vivacious Tawana, sporting her customary short hairstyle. With videos of Big Brother playing on the plasma screen, she would offer the tourist a drink. Then, shifting into full gear, she would offer the now relaxed tourist a choice between full sex and a mere blow job.
I can assure you many tourists would emerge from that plush room waxing lyrical about our country and its amazing hostess. They would tell their friends overseas.

Before long this country would experience a tourist boom never seen before. We would see a flood of male tourists, unaccompanied neither by their wives nor girl friends.

In the meantime, the government would pay Tawana for every tourist she welcomes to the country. The tourists would, out of appreciation, give her hefty tips. For once Tawana, our lovely girl, would earn money for doing the only thing she likes.

To boot, she would demonstrate how patriotic she is by servicing tourists for the benefit of her country.
To preserve her, she would only work twice a week.

C’mon government, give Tawana a job as official hostess for all tourists coming into the country. In that way she won’t go to Hollywood to become a porn star!


Read this week's paper

Sunday Standard September 27 – 3 October

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of September 27 - 3 October, 2020.