Sunday, September 20, 2020

Big Brother

Never has a country waited so much in anticipation. It was not only our country waiting. All the countries represented were holding their bated breath not knowing what to expect. I guess the only countries that relaxed were those with female representatives. Consider that the last time we participated we too were relaxed. We had sent a female representative. Now with a female there is not much to see. Okay there is the cleavage but that is not as exciting as other parts of the female anatomy. As a result we had nothing to worry about. So relaxed were we that we took to cheering on male representatives from other countries. To be more precise, our women took to cheering blokes from other lands. We, the men, could only sulk and stare with envy. Big Brother showed that many of my friends still had a long way to go to match the legendary Gaetano. No one who watched the first show will ever forget the mighty Gaetano.

Women all over the continent could not wait to catch a glimpse of the man in the shower with his crown jewels in full display. Not only did Gaetano do himself proud, he also did his countrymen of Uganda very proud. Reports say before Big Brother, they did not score very well with the ladies. But after his displays in the shower, men from that country have never had it so good. Every Ugandan man who swaggers around the continent owes everything to the mighty Gaetano. Were it not for him, they would still be begging and paying exorbitant rates in the red light districts to be laid.

I am yet to visit Uganda. But there is a story that in his honour a statue has been erected for his good works to Ugandan men. The new Big Brother show therefore had many of us worried. I had long suspected they would settle for a man. I mean it makes sense. The show is about competition between nations. Our country has been bragging about how better it is than everyone else. Such bragging obviously can be irritating. That is why I suspected the organisers would decide on a male representative for us. If he failed at shower hour then we would have to shut up forever. My prediction proved true when our Big Brother representative was unveiled. It was a boy. My heart sank when he appeared. He was dressed in a white suit and waving a little flag to announce where he came from. That lacked class. If you represent a great country there is no need to announce to everybody. But what shocked me was the height.

Our representative was indeed a little boy. And when he stood on his toes to embrace one of the girls I felt like smashing my television set. I regretted ever buying a television set. It was a conspiracy. I doubted if the boy was from here. How come I had never ever seen him in my entire life? I had never seen any of my friends with him. His appearance confirmed what I had always suspected. Big Brother is a fraud. How could they claim this boy was one of us? He then proceeded to get himself drunk. How do you arrive in the company of strangers and hit the bottle straight away? I knew why the little boy was nervous.

My mates and I thought of asking someone in the government to act quickly to remove the impostor from Big Brother. I doubt if we could have got through to anyone. I am sure everyone in the government was sick with worry and had switched their television sets off. Our problem was that the guy was too short. Now if the guy is so short, surely he cannot make us proud. If he is a little boy there is no way he can compete with the big blokes from up continent. With our hearts in our throats many of us reluctantly watched the opening episodes of the show. I almost sold my television set when our man started getting into quarrels with other housemates. To me he was tetchy because he could not dodge shower hour. I thought of calling chaps he had gone to school with to check how he had ranked in the communal shower. I did not know anybody. No one seemed to know the boy. Yet in the meantime he was waving his little flag and drinking like a sailor. I could not bear the arrival of shower hour. It could only mean disaster.

Foreign women we had been eyeing would not look at us twice. As for foreign men, they would be chuckling whenever they looked at us. What more, our local women who had been pretending we were big would ditch us for foreign men? It was all over. The sham was over. So despondent were I that I quit watching Big Brother. But then I received another shock. The women have been staying up all night. All of a sudden many are wearing a bright smile on their faces. It would seem the women were the first to view the boy at shower hour because many men had stopped watching fearing embarrassment. Early reports indicate that our boy is now a man. It is said his first shower hour delighted many women. They say the boy is big enough to be a man. I have now returned to watching Big Brother.

Somewhat relieved, I am still waiting to see how our boy, who became a man in the shower, compares with the blokes from up continent. But what makes me happy is that my friends and I are much taller than our Big Brother representative. It can only mean one thing. To foreign women who have been pleasantly surprised by the short chap, it means we are much bigger than him in that department. Foreign men now look at us in awe. They conclude if that short bloke is so big in the shower then the tall men of this country must be a sight to behold. We have now earned respect. I think I love our man in Big Brother. He is short, but big. And because we are taller, all continental foreigners, male and female, now believe we are bigger than him!

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Sunday Standard September 20 – 26

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of September 20 - 26, 2020.