I have been thinking long and hard about the liquor issue. As you know the good men of this country love their tipple. They love it so much that the government, out of love for its people, decided to do something about it.
The drinkers do not understand what all the fuss is about. They say they drink their hard earned money, and the quantities they consume are not anybody’s business. Not even the government’s. They say they are free to use their money as they please. If they opt to purchase liquor for nice little girls barely out of school, that is their choice. Some even say if they happen to die in a car crash on account of excessive boozing, then that is the path they would have chosen.
This is not an exclusively male issue though. The female drinkers are also up in arms. They too say it is their right to drink as much as they want. They think the government should be focusing on more serious problems instead of telling them when and how much to drink. They say the government should be bringing their men who fail to pay child maintenance to book instead of worrying about how much they, as spurned women, drink.
The government retorts that were it not for their indiscriminate drinking, the female drinkers would have been sober enough to make the right choice of child’s father. The female drinkers reply that they reserve the right after getting drunk to sleep with whomever they wish. After all it is their money. The government on the other hand says things don’t work that way. The view of the authorities is that they have a responsibility to save drinkers from themselves. It is a valid argument. I mean I have seen some tipplers who clearly need to be saved from themselves.
The government further argues that it owns the roads and traffic lights that find themselves obstructing the path of drunken drivers every Saturday night . It’s all a big spectacle. I am not sure how things will end. But the way I see it, it is daggers drawn.
The boozers and those who feed their habit have no intention of relenting. In its intent to save the boozers from themselves and protect its traffic lights and roads, the government is equally determined to enforce the new rules. In this scenario I think we need a solution. The boozers and the government cannot fight forever. There is so much to do in this country instead of the two protagonists expending so much energy in combat.
Things are so bad this liquor war has polarised the country. Citizens have now taken sides. You are either with us or with them. This means you are either on the side of the boozers and their right to drink as much as they like and whenever they please. Or you are on the side of the government which wants to save the boozers by telling them how much to drink and when to stop.
At the rate things are going, the issue might even divide the civil service. Imagine senior civil servants downing tools because they are angry at not being allowed to drink as they please?
How about the issue splitting the army. If this issue is not handled carefully, we might have war breaking out and some soldiers refusing to go to the front in protest at being denied the right to imbibe as they wish.
How about if the teachers and lecturers down chalks and decide not to impart education to our kids because the pubs were shut down before they drank their fill?
And just how about the kids deciding to boycott school because they are miffed at the government interfering with their drinking? Take the police. Together with the soldiers, they are legendary boozers.
Now what if the police stage a mutiny because they too are unhappy. There are endless possibilities. It is said that some surgeons are able to perform delicate operations only when nicely oiled. Just imagine the number of patients who would die in the operating theatre because the surgeon’s hands are shaking so much because the pub closed early the night before.
Imagine soccer fanatics filing into the stadium to watch the Zebras and being told half the team is on strike because they cannot get accustomed to drinking less?
I am seriously worried. I mean, what if the boozers decide they are sick and tired of it all and want to start their own political party? There are so many lovers of liquor in this country if any of the scenarios I have painted ever happen, then we might as well shut the country down. Nothing would function.
However, as somebody who has not yet taken sides, I think I ought to propose a solution. And my solution is simple. I have decided to help the government sort out the problem of alcohol abuse once and for all. I want to help the government to save boozers from themselves. Those who imbibe say nothing beats liquor. They can’t be serious. Anyway for the good people of this country to abandon liquor consumption and even stop taking the government to court on a daily basis to defend their right to drink, the self same government must offer a more enticing alternative. I think the boozers should be offered free sex.
That’s right. With so many sex workers streaming into the country fleeing from the xenophobic trouble next door, they can be put to useful work. A deal could be reached with them to provide , for a reasonable monthly fee from state coffers, sexual comfort to a list of men that will be given to them by government officials. The list would comprise men that have signed an agreement to quit booze and never visit a pub.
Given that the government considers booze such a serious problem, it must be prepared to offer incentives to those who are willing to quit. I am confident the government would win this war if it implemented my simple proposal which, as a patriotic citizen, I make at no charge. Otherwise the boozers will win. C’mon government, let’s go for it. Let’s get blokes to quit by offering them free sex!
