Monday, September 21, 2020

Close the university!

I just love the government.
Which man would not love the government? Okay I concede that the varsity students are not so happy with the government. I don’t blame the spoilt brats.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted a job that can pay me for not working. Absolutely true. Right now, I am paid because I work. It is called a contract.

My employer and I have a simple contract. I turn up for work every morning. I do what he wants and go home. At the end of the month, he gives me my dues. I don’t like him. I suppose he doesn’t necessarily like me either. We are not friends.

I hear all sorts of rumours about him. I am sure he hears the same about me. But life goes on. He needs my skills and I need his money.

It apparently is different when it comes to varsity students. They don’t seem to have any sort of contract. One would have thought they should study and pass their exams in exchange for the pampered lives they lead.
Our varsity students are the most pampered people in the entire world. Long ago, going to varsity meant you were going to get an education. The idea was that after learning all the difficult stuff you would get a nice job and help the folks back in the village.

Not so seems to be varsity nowadays. I could not believe it when I heard the students were given a stipend that is more than the wages of many working people. I think the government is crazy. How can they pay a bunch of kids so much money? I mean these are kids who don’t only earn so much money, but also eat food they are not accustomed to.

How many of those students ever tasted cheese before going to the big school? I hear they even eat exotic stuff like jelly. I don’t recall the last time I ate jelly and custard.

Look I don’t always agree with the government. For instance, why should it want to run my life? I am an adult and have every right to decide how I want to lead my life. But on closing the campus I fully stand by the government.

How can a student who has never tasted cheese have the nerve to riot because the government has not paid him for flunking his studies? I have never heard of anything like this. I think I want to go back to varsity. I want to be paid to do nothing.

Obviously if students flunk their courses and are paid, that means they are paid to do nothing. Besides, students who never saw cheese before coming to varsity, there are many who hardly saw bread before arriving at the big school.

We have all heard of riots by students who complain about the food. What cheek. How can they complain about the menu when most of them eat bread about once a month in their home villages?

I am now convinced our varsity students are spoilt rotten. Some of us have been working for ages for employers we don’t like and yet we never eat cheese. That is because we cannot afford it. Now you get a bunch of adolescent villagers who are fed cheese every day and yet have the audacity to riot because they want to be paid for flunking.

If things continue this way, I want the government to give me back my money. By the way, I am a tax payer. That means I feed all those anarchists at the varsity. For too long, the government has been cheating me. Whenever they collect tax from me they never give me a breakdown of what my money will be used for. It is high time I got a receipt that showed where every single cent of my money goes. If a portion goes to building roads that must be indicated. For a new hospital that also must be reflected. Each and every cent must be accounted for.

For feeding lazy varsity students that must also be shown. The only reason I am not suing the government for wasting my money is because closure of the university has not been so bad after all. Granted, it has been a terrible experience for the male students. But when it comes to the female students, it has been Christmas every day for many of us who pay taxes to feed those anarchists.

You see, when the campus is closed, most of the anarchists find themselves on the streets with nowhere to go. All of a sudden, they realise they do not have the bus fare to return to the village to a life without free cheese and bread. For the females, life is much easier. It means waiting for the next man who drives a nice car to put up at his place until things settle down. That is the only reason I am not suing the government for wasting my money on anarchists.

On reflection, I realise the government is actually accounting for some of my taxes by ushering young and pretty varsity students right into my arms. For this reason, I shouldn’t be so indignant. I should wish for riots every month. I should go to the student beer hall and buy the boys drinks and in the process urge them to organise more riots. I should happily pay my taxes so that the varsity students from the village gorge themselves on cheese, bread, jelly and custard. They must be so well fed they organise another riot.

In this way, I the taxpayer will get to enjoy my taxes by having fun with the female students who don’t want to return to the village. On this issue, I like the government.

Actually if the government knew what it was doing, it would not open the campus for some time. Some of us are still having fun. Our taxes are providing us with fun.

Please government don’t open the university!


Read this week's paper

Sunday Standard September 20 – 26

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of September 20 - 26, 2020.