Thursday, January 21, 2021

Conflicts: the number one killer of personal relations

Break-ups are agonizing; that is a sound and knowledgeable fact.Most of the time the full effect of the pain is one sided but the other partner is also affected by the change in events that had eventually become a normal everyday experience, even though the change might be greatly welcome.
People associate break-ups with people who are involved in sexual relationships while rationale stands to prove that there are actually many different cases of people dissolving intimate personal relations with one another.

In some cases, there remains bad blood between people who used to care greatly for one another, proving without reasonable doubt the philosophy that there is a thin line between love and hate.
How does it happen that everything is perfect one day, with one counting their blessings, listing and citing that one person who is their sole strength as an example then, within a split second, all is shattered because that one person is forever gone. While the former partner may still be alive, to you they are dead since they can no longer fulfill the same role because of a change of heart.
The friend you have had since primary school is no longer the same person you thought he was; he is now arrogant and rude.

You no longer have anything in common and you have decided that there is nothing left of your friendship to save, even though you were silent about your intentions to cut them out of your life. The fact that you no longer call or text them means you have dissolved your relationship with that particular person.

Then there is the son who is never willing to listen to you as his mother, even though you are only trying to do what is best for him.
He disrespects you by insulting you and calling you names yet he uses your car for his drinking sprees; he doesn’t even try to hide his marijuana from you anymore. Teachers call to complain about his behavior at school; he is even failing most of his classes.

You have lived with him for 20 years and are tired of his persistent stubbornness and want him to get out of your home if he continues acting that way.
You love him, of course, but you can no longer condone his behavior, so you kick him out. This too is a form of emotional detachment, which is what break ups are known to characterize.
This type of break up is perhaps the most painful as it is bonded by blood.

And, of course, the one that most of us are unfortunately familiar with,
Boy meets girl, boy likes girl and she likes him too.
Girl is pretty and funny and a joy to hang around with, boy likes this and asks girl to be his girlfriend, girl says yes, after a couple of “happy” months together, boy meets another girl with his roving eye, boy’s decision to end the relationship punches girl in the heart, heavily.

Girl gets into a moment of temporary insanity and says things that now make the two of them bitter towards each other.

And, of course, the scenarios could be vise-versa, except of course, some Batswana men would prefer to kill the girl and then commit suicide. The once glamorous couple has now turned into bickering strangers.

Just what is the right way of ending relationships without getting painful rewards; can situations like this be prevented?
Truth is: conflicts and people drifting apart is a part of life.

What with the philosophies such as “we meet to part” (Of course, this could be argued to mean something different, but if the shoe fits…) and phrases such as, “friends come and go”, it’s a sure thing that nothing lasts forever.

The trick here is getting to know the right tactics to pull at a certain time, to lose our pride if it gets in the way of our relations with others and to stop pointing fingers as this will never solve the issues at hand.

Easier said than done but practice makes perfect.
Some say when their friendships turn into war zones they bail out silently while others say they are faced with hectic conflicts that increase the now developing hatred towards their once treasured friends.

A good number of boys are said to break up with their girls by texting them or leaving them voicemail messages.

Parents are said to angrily scream at their children to get out of their houses when they commit an offence instead of opting for more reasonable measures.

As one may already recognize, the main reason behind all of these scenarios is mostly pride.
No one is willing to sacrifice their pride for a better ending.

A dumped person may feel that opting to become friends with a person who left them hanging somehow strips them of their dignity so they choose to be bitter and angry as a reaction to being rejected.

Whichever way one looks at it, break-ups are painful and difficult and they actually require someone to be mature and responsible enough to know how to handle the state of affairs.
Being a sensitive issue already, they also bring with them change, Batswana are a nation that is not comfortable with change.

I am not going to cite the example of a political party which has been ruling our country for years because Batswana are scared of voting for any other new one.

Anyway, a break-up presents a change in schedules for the discarded ones, therefore it creates an uncomfortable and unfamiliar atmosphere for them.

Just how do Batswana relate to any of the scenarios present? Our interview was mainly concerned with those that fit the three different scenarios chosen.
In an interview with The Sunday Standard, Kesaobaka Thong, a 2nd year student at the University of Botswana, says that of late she had been involved in a verbal tug of war with one other person she used to consider a friend.
“This whole thing has actually gone out of hand and it started with just a small misunderstanding,” said Thong.

According to Thong, her old friend had heard from people a lie about something that Thong apparently did behind her back to sabotage her.
Instead of asking Thong what was going on, her old friend showered her with what she deemed to be unnecessary insults and badmouthed her to other people.

“I got really agitated and had to control myself because it was pointless. I was appalled by that side of her, I had never seen it before and I didn’t like it at all so I texted a message to her telling her that our friendship was over. I had no choice, the girl was hysterical,

I mean I am not the talkative type and I don’t think I could have done it any better,” says Thong.
Thong says she doesn’t think they will ever be friends again because they can pass each other on the street without even saying hello.
“We are bitter and angry with each other all because we refuse to put pride aside and talk; we don’t have to be friends again but the bad blood is wearing me down,” says Thong.

According to her, the best approach she would advise people to take is to be civil when handling issues of the heart, especially with those we considered part of us at one point.
Gaothobogwe Gabane, a 45-year-old woman who teaches at one of the local primary schools in Gaborone, says she is fed up with her adolescent son’s behavior.

She laments that from birth, Adolf had always been a difficult child, cried a lot and was possessive of material items.
He got worse as he grew older, always asking for money and being disrespectful to his elders, even her.

It came to a point when he started drinking and smoking marijuana at 15, he didn’t even try to hide it from her and she refused to support his habits, prompting him to start stealing from her.
He failed terribly at school even though she paid a lot of money for school fees.

“It was a painful time for me seeing my son waste his life; I felt like a bad mother. Every time he was around, I was never happy because he would do something that would age me in an instant,” said Gabane.

It also apparently reached a point where she called different people to come talk to him but they failed. It began to affect her work because her son would go for two nights and she would be worried about his whereabouts.

“People advised me to kick him out or go down the drain with him, but he was my son; I loved him, kicking him out was utter madness, but I did eventually. I had never seen hatred as evil as his when I found the courage to ban him from my home. I haven’t seen him in 6 months now,” Gabane says.

It still hurts her to this day because she doesn’t know where he is.

“I thought he would come back eventually with proper and decent behavior but he disappeared and everyday I wish I had gone about it a different way,” Gabane lamented.

Michelle Kgabo, a 19-year-old, loathes her ex- boyfriend of three months for the pathetic stunts he pulled on her.

According to Michelle, when she and Thabo met, he had a girlfriend so she decided to backÔÇôoff until he had solved his issues. Then Thabo told her he had broken up with the girl.

They then started dating, it was a crazy whirlwind romance and she fell for him, hook line and sinker.
This was during the holidays and when school started, she barely saw him because he claimed to be busy with his school work.

“He would only come to my room at night on certain days and we never took walks outside, nothing. I complained about the lack of attention, of course, but never thought anything beyond that,” says Kgabo.

He says at first friends of hers were too afraid to tell her that they met her boyfriend almost everyday during the day frolicking around and looking very much in love. She didn’t even have to think about it but everything finally fit into place.
The confirmation she needed was the look in his eyes when he started lying about why they spent too little time together.

“I couldn’t believe I had been played for a dumb fool; I found out they never even broke up; I was shattered, how do you act civil around someone like that? I was angry and I told him all the swear words that came to mind (over the phone, of course),and I don’t regret it, I HATE him..,” says Kgabo emphatically.

Counselor Tefo Tetelo, 28, says that intimate personal relationships between individuals are very complicated and says sometimes the barriers are caused by the generation gap, the gender differences and mostly irreconcilable differences.
“When handled maturely, break-ups in courtships need not be complicated, but one also needs to understand that no matter how one handles the situation, it will still hurt to lose a loved one,” says Tetelo.

Tetelo also states that pride is the number one killer of personal relations, especially since both parties will not be willing to admit their mistakes so as to save face and, in the end, it worsens the situation that could have been handled maturely with unnecessary conflicts prevented.


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