So, I joined everyone else to watch the football on television. On this occasion, I tried to enjoy it. Most times I did not understand the rules though.
There seems to be an awful lot of rules. The game is so dull; I could only manage forty five minutes of torture. But through careful watching, I got to learn a few of the rules. I finally understood the role of the man in the middle who seems much older than the players. Known as the referee, he is apparently in charge of the game and makes sure they behave. That makes perfect sense. Considering that all twenty two players are illiterate, they could do with the firm hand of an adult. But even then, there seems to be a lot of arguing in the game.
The players protest every decision and the referee has to intervene regularly. Sometimes they charge at the old man in a menacing manner and he has to back off. To me such behaviour is a police matter because it amounts to a threat to commit grievous bodily harm.
In a few instances I saw the referee whip out a yellow card. I was told that particular card is shown to players who disobey the rules. You don’t get that in chess. There we are the epitome of calm and dignity. I am sure if football players stayed longer in school there would be fewer arguments.
I noted that the colour of the card is not limited to yellow. In one case, the old man brandished a red card. That one is for the players who behave like playground bullies.
Upon being shown the red card, the player has to leave the pitch. I saw one player walking off. He was not replaced by anyone. I thought being sent off meant he goes for a breather and would be allowed to return after deciding to behave himself. But lo and behold, he never returned. When I enquired from one of the howling fanatics he seemed surprised I didn’t know what a red card meant. He was so shocked he told the sad news to other howling fanatics. They stared at me with incredulity. I wonder what makes them think everyone likes football. If they think the rules of their sport are easy to understand, I would like them to explain the rules of chess. Anyway I was informed the red card means the player is banished from the game until the end. The rest of his team mates then have to make do with a player short.
I thought that was a weird rule. If so much money is at stake in the game, then it makes sense for the teams to lock horns with the same number of players. If I owned a team and they sent my player off and did not allow him back, I would sue for millions.
One thing I must say is that football is played on a nice surface. When we were kids, we used to admire the lush green lawns where the white people lived. We used to dream of playing and rolling on the lawn the day the whites left and we took over their nice houses. I mean those lawns resembled a brand new green carpet. The same applies for the football pitches I saw on television. They are so green they reminded me of my childhood dream. I mean we dreamt of playing on the lawns of the white people for free. Now to think some people are actually paid to chase an inflated dead pig on that lovely surface.
Like I said, in the games I watched, I tried to be as excited as everybody. But I could not keep up the pretence for ever. The highlight of any match is the scoring of a goal. I cannot believe the television fanatics are able to sit through an entire match where no goal is scored. I felt even sorrier for the baying morons in the stadium who had paid to watch a game where no goals are scored. I wouldn’t accept that. Were I ever to attend a match and no goal was scored I would demand my money back. All of it. No wonder football is played by people without many brains.
The spectators are even worse. I mean this is daylight robbery. Just how does one sit through a goalless match and not demand their money back? It is time spectators fought for their rights by demanding more goals. Okay, in some games about one or two goals were scored. But still that is not enough. There are too few goals in the matches. The problem seems to be the guys between the goal posts who are known as goalkeepers. I must give them credit though. They are very agile and can fly through the air with the greatest of ease.
But on the negative side, they make the game dull by preventing more goals. They even shout at the defenders if a striker is allowed a shot that goes wide. If the job of the goalkeeper is to stop the ball why does he abuse defenders who make the mistake of letting the striker take a shot at goal?
Surely they don’t expect to spend the whole day watching the game like the spectators. Do they want to be paid to do nothing? Obviously it would not be a good idea to play without goalkeepers. But how about making the space between the goalposts bigger. I mean they could double the size. In that way more goals would be scored and we would see even more spectacular saves as the goalkeepers fly through the air.
Frankly, there is still nothing exciting about the game. But I am learning. So far, I have managed to sit through forty five minutes per game. With a bit more patience, I should be able to sit through ninety minutes by the time the World Cup comes to our shores. Hey, I might even have joined the morons who are unable to demand their money back after sitting through a goalless match!
