Wednesday, September 23, 2020

Gone vegan, quit booze and sex!

Now the thrill is gone.
There is no point anymore. Initially, I contemplated leaving the country. Many blokes I know thought of skipping the border. But, like me, they are stuck here. We cannot go anywhere. The thought of leaving our relatives in the village is too much. There isn’t much we can do. We were born here, and here we will be buried.

Despite things being so rough, there are less drastic options we can consider. Like every drinker, there was a time when I didn’t drink. My mother loved me and she knew her nice little boy would not touch the devil’s spirit. I was a model child. But I shattered her dreams when I hit the big time, and started drinking.

So many people I know shattered the dreams of their parents when they chose to drink. Well, our parents had also traumatised their parents when they took to drink. All I am saying is that drink is a way of life. When we become adults we enjoy certain rights. Such rights include deciding what to do with our lives before kicking the bucket. Some opted to become pastors. Others chose other pastimes. Some of us, destined to burn in hell, but in the lovely company of our favourite people, chose drink. It is a matter of choice.
As adults we should be free to decide how to live our lives. Well, with the stringent liquor laws, I feel I am back to childhood. I cannot choose what to do with my life. I cannot decide when to drink. I mean, some blokes prefer to drink non stop till morning. Others simply want to have a few drinks with mates and retire to bed for a bit of fun with the madam.

The bottom line is that drinking will never be the same. I am at a stage where a decision has to be made. With the clampdown on a man’s right to enjoy himself, is it worth the effort anymore? I mean, drinking involves so much work.

First of all those of us who respect drink behave accordingly. Before I go out for a tipple I take a shower. Then I spend time choosing my attire. Depending on the day of the week, I might go for a casual look or a jacket and tie. When a man drinks, he has to carry a good scent. Hence, after dabbing some cologne, I leave the house, and drive carefully to my local pub. There, resplendent in jacket and tie, I insist on a clean glass. I then sip my drink and enjoy life. I don’t drink without a jacket on. I am a responsible drinker.

My point is that we are not all irresponsible drinkers. Many of us are mature family men who drink socially. We respect the government and the people who run the country. We pay our taxes. We stop at the red rights. We attend parents meetings at school. We don’t drink at home in front of the kids. We pay our Zimbo slaves. All in all we are well behaved. But there is no reward for us. There is no difference between us and the louts who drink in the streets and cause mayhem on the roads.

With the stringent liquor laws, we have been reduced to their level. I spent many years in school. I am law abiding. I am a good citizen. And I drink. However, I have decided to quit booze. I will no longer drink because I refuse to be equated to an irresponsible street drinker. That is it. I have quit. If I cannot derive any joy from a social activity like drinking my favourite alcohol, then there is no point.

My friends are also quitting. I am sure many other people who feel the same way are also quitting. After all, this is a democracy. People can choose to drink or opt to quit. My friends and I have quit. There is no joy anymore. Drinking is just not worth the hassle. The thrill is gone. We are also quitting other things.

In civilised countries where people can eat anything they want, they have come to a stage where some don’t want to eat anymore. Whereas in poor countries we descend on any dish placed before us, there, things are different. There are people who won’t touch fizzy drinks. Then there are folks who won’t drink tap water. There are fashion models who eat reluctantly, and then induce rejection of the food in order to keep slim figures. There in the civilised world we have people who eat, but watch their diet. Here we eat anything we see.

You won’t believe it when I say there are people who won’t eat meat. They call themselves vegetarians. They say animals that produce meat have feelings just like human beings. For the reason that they can’t eat their dead family members, they cannot eat anyone in the family of animals. They go through life without eating any meat.

If you thought they are weird, there is another bunch of people called vegans. Not only don’t they eat meat, they don’t eat any animal product. They don’t drink milk. They hate yoghurt. Forget cheese. They love animals more than their relatives. I don’t think they would survive in this part of the world. But they have survived nonetheless. I want to emulate them.

As I just announced I have quit booze because it is not worth the bother. Well, with the new laws that say a law abiding man cannot eat a braai I have also quit meat. Just like booze it is not worth the effort. If I can be arrested for eating meat, then just like booze it is not worth the effort. Not only that, I have also become a vegan. From henceforth I won’t touch any animal products. I just don’t know when it will be an offence to eat animal products. To be on the safe side I have quit booze, meat, milk, cheese, yoghurt. Yep, the thrill is gone. I have quit anything to do with animals and human beings.
I have also quit sex!


Read this week's paper

The Telegraph September 23

Digital edition of The Telegraph, September 23, 2020.