Ever since we were told booze was going up by seventy percent, blokes have been up in arms. You would think they were told they are about to die.
The misery I have witnessed is something I never imagined. Grown up men no longer chat about their cattle. All the talk is about the booze prices. The younger blokes are in a mean mood. They are muttering under their breath, vowing how they will continue drinking despite the seventy percent. On the radio the other day, they phoned in with dramatic threats of how in the final few hours before the tax hike they will sleep in the pubs so as to awake early and immediately continue drinking. I look forward to the day.
It’s going to be the biggest drinking orgy in the history of mankind as we cry in our beers to bid farewell to cheap prices. I never thought booze would drive people to so much anger. I mean, it’s not like the authorities are banning booze. The stuff will still be available. But if you were from a different country you would think for many local drinkers the seventy percent is the end of the world. Not to say I am not sympathetic. Hey, don’t get me wrong. I am not part of the religious crowd that blames all the problems of the world on booze. On the contrary I am of the school that believes booze has made the world a far much happier place. That is why I am happy when drinking.
In all seriousness, I am convinced the world would be so dull without booze. Like I say, I drink. And, in common with so many other people in this country, I drink a lot. And I enjoy it. If I did not enjoy it, I would not drink. That is why I too will be sleeping in my local pub the night before the tax hike so as to make love to my beloved drink first thing in the morning.
Drink is serious business.
Apparently, even the skinny white guy with long blonde hair and blue eyes decreed that booze was fine. I am not sure if he partook. But, considering the fact that he seemed to spend a lot of time either on donkey back or walking in the desert, he must have drank. The man just had to drink. Trying to convince all those hostile heathens they were up to no good must have been stressful. Small wonder they decided to get rid of him at the youthful age of thirty three in order to get on with their lives.
Anyway I am sitting here with angst all around me. I shake my head and say to myself, so this is what booze does to people. Is this what seventy percent does to people? Well, as for me, I have absolutely no problem with the seventy percent. Yes, that’s right. I have no problem at all. By now, you ought to know me as the eternal optimist. Nothing ever gets me down. Where some people see dark clouds, I see a silver lining. As the boozers rant and rave and vow to sleep in the bars on doomsday eve, I am chilling. I am the epitome of cool. I am so sanguine you would think I don’t drink. The reason is because this tax hike will mean happiness all year round.
Very soon we will be eating Christmas every week end. As a well educated man gainfully employed, I am not at all worried about the seventy percent. That is why I stayed long in school. It was to prepare myself for sudden changes in life such as the tax hike. The reason I am not cursing the government is because the seventy percent means a happier life for me.
Although people will not stop drinking, those unable to afford the quality drinks will downgrade to the cheap stuff. They will resort to either home brew or those clear spirits that kick like a mule. Most affected by the tax hike, however, will be the young things. You see, this country has pretty young lasses made right on the day when God was at his happiest. The problem is that only a few of them are prepared to entertain the advances of a middle aged chap like me. They are too busy frolicking with their well handsome and well sculptured young boys who don’t offer much in material terms.
That has been the problem with this country. Men in middle age suffer a lot of discrimination at the hands of young girls. The reason is because the booze is so cheap. They can afford it. Their little boy friends can afford it as well. Now thanks to our lovely government that cares about the plight of middle aged men the day of reckoning is coming. The choice is simple.
Young girls who have been ignoring us will have to choose between quality drinks and the cheap stuff. Obviously, their little boyfriends, broke and sad, will find solace in traditional brew. But I can bet you the pretty young things won’t be following them to the dumps. The young dishes are staying behind. With us. I just cannot wait for the seventy percent hike.
I hear the date of implementation has been put forward. I don’t know why. The government must get on with it. This tax hike is long overdue. Some of us want to get on with the business of entertaining young girls who cannot afford proper drinks. If the government announces any further delays, I am going to sue them for dereliction of duty. I look forward to the prospect of enjoying the company of young girls.
In a few weeks we will be saying goodbye to their mothers, aunts and sisters. To middle aged blokes that are either living in sin or married like me, my friendly advice is get out. Leave right now. It has been a miserable past few years for us. Now the fun is about to begin. With the seventy percent tax hike we are about to eat Christmas every week end!
