Sunday, April 21, 2024

How my bank gave away a million bucks to a villager!

I am not a happy man. Not at all. Actually, since the beginning of the year, I have been grumpy. But the latest setback in my life has made me even sadder. I do really think life is unfair. Some of us try to be law abiding citizens. We are courteous and greet everyone, including complete strangers. I am so good that I attend funerals of people I have never heard of. I go to weddings of beaming couples whom I know are cheating on each other and will be divorced soon. Yet life always deals me a bad hand. I deserve better. My latest source of distress is the guy who won a million bucks.

Yep, if you don’t know about it, some local chap was recently handed a big cheque for a whopping million bucks. My issue is that I should have won the money. You see, the competition was run by a local bank. My bank. The idea was that anyone who applied for a loan would go into the draw for the million bucks. As you know all banks exist to make money. Investors who establish banks don’t do it because they want to help keep our money safe. They want our money in their possession so that they can use it as they please. They are in it for the money. So smart as I am, I also applied for a loan. I surmised that if the bank wanted to make money out of me, I could also make money out of them by winning a million bucks. The million bucks obviously do not belong to the bank. It belongs to all the suckers who were duped into entering the competition. Fully aware that I was one of those suckers, I entered.

But in my mind I was determined to win the competition. But when the winner was announced, my worst fears were confirmed. It was some old geezer who apparently comes from some village and works as a miner in some remote town. The man looked so mesmerised holding the cheque that rightly belongs to me. I could see from his manners that he did not stay long in school. Just the kind of people the bank wants. Clearly, the draw was rigged. They could not allow an educated guy like me who drinks whisky and wears the latest designer labels to win. It had to be a poor guy so that more poor people would apply for loans as soon as the next competition is announced.

And come to think of it, the winner may be fake. He could be a bank employee. They could have simply gotten their gardener to pose for pictures holding the cheque to fool all of us. I mean, if the competition were real, they could have featured photos of the winner in the company of his ecstatic wife and kids. The papers could even unearth a secret partner, vowing to fight all the way to the courts for a share of the fortune. None of this has come out. So the winner could be fake. Assuming the winner is indeed genuine, just what is he going to do with the money? That is my gripe. A million bucks should not be won by a person who has no clue what to do with money. Looking at him, I got the sense that he is going to buy some cattle, a tough van and keep the rest in the bank. He will probably be appointed chief in his home village and spend his time listening to villagers begging for donations. The guy, with a million bucks, will end up in the village. That is my problem.
Now the bank should have considered a guy like me who knows what to do with a million bucks. First of all, I would buy all my mates their favourite drinks. That done, I would splurge on a new designer wardrobe. I would change my set of wheels for something snazzy. Then I would go on holiday. I would take a few days on a cruise ship, mingling with white people and having drinks on the deck. I would choose a ship that goes to places where they have never seen black people. The white passengers would be ogling me and wondering how a Negro could afford a cruise.

I would give big tips. In my company would be two young things who would massage me and prance around the ship for the benefit of the other passengers. Before the end of the cruise, I would disembark at some island like Mauritius and sit on the beach drinking cocktails with a little umbrella perched on the straw accompanying the drink. My two young things would also drink cocktails and go shopping on my account. Every morning I would jog on the beach to stay fit so that my heart does not stop, resulting in my relatives eating my money.

I would also have to jog in order to keep up with the young girls because we would be staying in one room. After a nice holiday, I would return home to this terrible heat. I will stay at home and relax. But every morning I would take a stroll to the bank. There, I will demand to see my money. Relaxed and crisp I would run my fingers through my money. Drinking tea, I would ask the bank manager to count my money so that I make sure they have not eaten any of it. I would not allow them to use a counting machine. I don’t trust those machines. I will also insist that my money is kept alone.

I don’t want my money mixing with other peoples’ money lest it starts getting funny ideas. I want it sitting there, alone and relaxed. Contented after visiting my money, I would whistle my favourite tune and return home to my two youngsters. That is how I would enjoy my million bucks. Do you think that villager can enjoy his money the way I would? No chance. That is why I am unhappy. That is why I want to sue the bank. How could they give my million bucks to a villager?

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