You have been with him for months or even for years. He has become close, not only to you but also to your heart. You are so into each other – love each other unconditionally and you enjoy every bit of time spent together.
Then one day you have this misunderstanding which suddenly leads to a breakup. The question is: how do you handle it because you cannot even imagine living your life without him.
Breaking-up, whether you are the abandoned one or the initiator, triggers off core fears deep within us. Fears of loneliness, abandonment, rejection and desertion.
What I have realized is that breakups are not just upsetting, but can sometimes literally turn your life upside down. You can come to a point whereby you lose you appetite, lose sleep and can’t even think clearly. Within the break-up package lies conflict and heartache.
“This usually provokes deep stabbing feelings that hurt at gut level,” says Thandie, who was dumped by her boyfriend this last December. “It’s even more difficult when one finds themselves having split up with someone they still love and still have feelings for thus being tempted to let the other partner make all the rules in order to keep them in the relationship. The problem is, if there’s no hope of reconciliation, you’re just prolonging the agony – and it will take even longer for your broken heart to mend.”
“It is so difficult, but until you accept that the relationship is over you’ll probably keep reading ‘secret’ messages into everything connected with your ex,” says Thapelo Phirinyane. “It’s particularly hard to believe you really have been dumped if you are still seeing each other. The best way to get over a relationship is to sever all connection, even if just for a while. The less contact you have the better.”
What I have come to understand as a woman is that a good way to handle a break up is to keep things amicable. Break ups don’t have to be made out of nasty fights, harsh words and revenge plots. If you came into a relationship in a good way, you can try to get out of it nicely. Don’t rub salt into an already bad wound. Wouldn’t it be better to lose a lover and win a friend than lose everything?
If your ex has said something like: “Of course we must stay friends”, be wary. Do you need this person as a friend? Well, perhaps it would be good long-term, but right now you want them as a lover – and being treated simply as a friend will prolong the agony of coming to terms with the split. The truth is that it will probably help your ex’s guilt about dumping you, but you are the one who needs help right now, not your previous partner. The best thing to do is to keep your distance for a few months. After that time, decide whether or not friendship is possible or even desirable.
Do not call him no matter what good or bad news. Do not even frequent the places that you know he goes to, even if you went there first and like it better. Until there has been some space and time between the two of you, going to those places will be idiotic as it will be painful only to you.
Don’t play the blame game; this is not a good way to handle a break up. Blaming each other will create negative feelings and even make you regret a lot of things that you shouldn’t have done in the first place. Take responsibility for the part you played on the relationship, both for its success and for its failure, but don’t be too harsh on yourself or on your soon-to-be ex. By keeping your self-esteem intact, you don’t leave room for bitterness and you will learn how to handle a break up nicely.
Another way to handle a break up is to avoid seeing only the hole in the doughnut. Relationships end for many reasons and when yours does, don’t just focus on the bad things. Remember the things that made your relationship great and be thankful you were once a part of it. Just don’t dwell on it, this way you can handle a break up more easily.
To handle a break up don’t do or say anything that you will regret later on. When emotions are high, it’s a lot easier to let slip certain words or statements that may make you feel better about the break up. Unfortunately, this feeling doesn’t last long and you may realize later you shouldn’t have even bothered.
The best way to handle a break up is to move on. Make sure you mourn your relationship if you must ÔÇô that’s normal and expected of you. But don’t wallow in your grief so much that you forget you still have a life to live and there are still people who love you for what you are. By moving on, you acknowledge that the relationship has ended and that you are giving yourself a chance to find happiness again.
While you are trying to handle a break up, don’t allow yourself to be too vulnerable. As you move back to a single life, you might feel a little too exposed. Feeling vulnerable is normal ÔÇô all of a sudden you are back to being on your own, doing things alone. Find support from your family and friends. They will not only help you get back on your feet again, they will also help you re-enter the social scene.
There is a mistake that we tend to do as women. We like forcing a new relationship just to feel less lonely. It’s not only fair to us; it’s also unfair to the other person. In-between relationships may seem like a terrific stop-gap measure and may provide you with the kind of companionship you just lost, but they will not replace your other relationship. Each relationship is unique so don’t try to find your old flame’s qualities in another person. You’re bound to be disappointed and you might find yourself in a relationship break up all over again.
Your life is taking on a new turn and make sure that you enjoy it! Think of the end of a relationship as a way to toss out old things and an opportunity to welcome new ones. Depending on how you treat it, change can be a good thing and it’s really up to you to take this new direction and turn it to your advantage. Handle a break up nicely, learn from your past relationship and take a step forward.