Wednesday, September 23, 2020

I love football!

It’s football time again. Don’t football people get tired of the sport? I mean, the game does not vary much.

Every time I have bothered to watch, it’s always twenty two grown up men chasing a round white object. Apparently, the ball is made from the skin of a dead pig. In all the games I have seen, be it on television, or the local amateurs, they are always chasing the same thing. To me, the only thing that distinguishes the teams is the colour of the shirts. Otherwise it could be the same two teams playing every week.

Considering that the sport is watched, nay worshipped by millions, perhaps there is something I don’t understand. I must be missing out on something terribly exciting. I am not really sure about this, though.

I certainly know what I don’t like about football. For instance, I hate it when the players spit on the pitch. Some are so disgusting they blow their nose on the pitch and wipe themselves with those shirts I always see millions of fanatics proudly wearing. Apparently, football players are paid a lot of money. I am yet to be told why.

I am certain if I took up the sport, I would be one of the stars because I don’t think playing football needs any brains. Given that, I play chess I would probably need to use just a fraction of my brain to be the best player in the world. It upsets me to think those players are paid to chase a pig skin on a well tended lawn for about an hour. It seems unfair to me that people are paid to take part in a sport they would still have played for free anyway.

I want to check the academic qualifications of football players. For the amounts of money they are said to earn, surely they should have acquired some education. Assuming it is true that many of them are, in fact, illiterate, should they be paid so much money when they hardly know the inside of a classroom? It is unfair on some of us who stayed long in school. If they struggle to write their name, then I am sure football players battle to count their money. Watching the boys running around chasing that dead pig, I can bet you many of them sign their cheques with their thumb. Some of us have spent ages getting an education and all we get is a pittance. We play chess and don’t get adoring spectators and huge salaries. When you look at well paid football players, then you realise that having a brain is not so smart after all.

I guess I will have to come to terms with the fact that although they are illiterate, football players earn more money than I will ever see in my life.
The other thing about them is that they all seem to have gay tendencies. Not that I have anything against gay people. I mean, I am of the opinion that people should sleep with whomever they wish. But the way they hug and embrace one another after a goal is scored is suspicious.

I have been watching the approach of the latest tournament with anxiety. Equally, I felt sorry for others in my category who regard the sport with contempt. It seems every channel features a football match.

Why they have to play for the entire month is something I don’t understand either. Don’t the fanatics get sick and tired of watching the same teams playing every three days? No matter how disinterested I try to be, I still get lots of unsolicited opinions from the fanatics about the teams and their various players. To me, they are all the same. The only problem is that they are forever on television. Can’t they give way to better programmes on television? Can’t we have a chess channel in place of one of the many that show football?

But coming to think of it, it’s not all doom and gloom for us the anti football crowd. Okay a lot of chaps are happy with the ongoing European tournament.

Every evening they leave home to go and watch in the company of their mates, knocking back a few cold ones. They think they are enjoying their freedom. What they don’t know is that the wives and girlfriends are absolutely thrilled to see the back of them. So are we. Of course, the partners will feign annoyance that the man never wants to watch the match at home. That is pretence. The moment the man walks out the door, we the non football chaps receive calls to plan a nice rendezvous.

You see, many members of the male species are possessive and jealous. Although they think nothing of going after other peoples’ partners, they shake in terror at the mere thought that somebody could be hitting off with their sweetheart. For the most part, men keep an eagle eye on their partners. The only exception is when there is a big football tournament. Their football brain takes over and they completely forget about the women. That is when we spring into action. The trick is to be patient. If you fancy a lady but have noticed that she is under twenty-four hour surveillance, don’t do anything stupid. Just take your time. Wait for the next big match or tournament.

This is such a cosy arrangement I want to write to the big men who control world football and ask them to line up more tournaments. There should be a big match or tournament at least four times a week. That will make things even better for us. The women will be absolutely overjoyed. I mean the beauty about the whole thing is that lots of men are semi literate. That makes them natural football supporters. They would love the idea of big matches taking place almost every day. So as they drift off to watch the games, many women would be left behind, lonely. Because there are only a few of us anti football blokes, when the semi literates are shouting themselves hoarse watching twenty-two illiterates chasing a small dead pig, we will pounce, picking and choosing their women at leisure.

Heck, on second thoughts, I think I love football!


Read this week's paper

The Telegraph September 23

Digital edition of The Telegraph, September 23, 2020.