Tuesday, September 29, 2020

It’s called the Zuma Tiger Woods Syndrome!

Don’t act surprised at this ladies. It is hardly a new syndrome; maybe just recent, but it has been around for millennia and no doctor, modern or ancient, cared to cure it.

We all know this much is true. Our men like the ladies to the point of going Missing In Action, with you not even knowing whether he is with Number 3 or with Number 6!

Was that an Amen, I just heard?
Why the whole world cried murder over the ‘Tiger Woods crisis’ I don’t know. Okay, let’s just say maybe because he is famous; the richest sportsperson in the world.

Poor Jacob Zuma got a beating from our neighbours over his fathering of child Number 20 out of wedlock. Mind you, he’d just added to his literally already ‘fat’ harem yet another member.

And women screamed foul over this?
It is the typical Biblical analogy of one seeing a splinter of wood in someone else’s eye but missing the log in their own eye sockets.

I will never understand.
I say to the woman judge: take that little wooden hammer, (oh, it’s called a gavel), and plunge it deep into your own man’s skull and rule ‘guilty’; for he, indeed, is guilty.

Your man has the Tiger Woods and Jacob Zuma genes. Your man has the Zuma Tiger Woods (ZTW) Syndrome!
And to the whistle-blower sister, I say, blow very hard but this time do it right in his ear, and blow even harder that the ZTW Syndrome is also blown away.
While you do that, I hereby pray for your success.

A long time ago, long before me, I hear our great grandfathers could marry as they pleased. And this, I learnt, was a practice abandoned by civilization itself.
Many reasons are proffered as to why they married more than one wife. One reason, though unfounded, implies that a man loves variety. (Maybe that‘s why you are this and she is thick, or you are short and she is tall, dark and light etc.).

Some say it was a way of cultivating a solid labour base for the big family’s agricultural purposes, with the mothers and their children working in the fields endlessly while the man watched and “supervised” them.

A man with one wife and a few children would have to work really hard to feed that family but a man with several wives and a class roomful of his own children had a free labour base that caused him to promote himself to manager as he oversaw his harem of wives and offspring toiling in the fields.

Others, however, insist that it was for convenience. This is more accurate and, to me, is spot on because this simply means that the monthly periods, pregnancies and other ailments were an inconvenience to the ever ‘active husband’.

If the wife was having her periods, the insatiable man would be bonking wife number two; and if wife number two had just had a baby and wife number one was having her periods again, dear husband would be in intimate combat with wife number three.
How disgusting!

Try it today and see how many of that family are laid to rest. And indeed they are being laid to rest.

I have always thought that one thing an African is afraid of is death but Aids has not slowed them down at all, has it?
Not any transition in life has, however, allowed for the practice to be fully abandoned.

While today only one woman is hitched to the man (excuse Zuma’s wives and those little kids that make up King Mswati’s kindergarten harem), the other women are just grouped and somehow drafted into a daily timetable that is altered whenever desired or at the man’s convenience.

It just happens that modern doctors who are referred to as psychologists have added yet another reason for the unfortunate practice, and they call it boredom.

Yes boredom! Like getting fed up with sitting on the same sofa with the same person everyday and watching the same DVDs, that kind of boredom.

While I agree that your man would not ideally sit and watch your belly grow each day during your pregnancy when he can do something more ‘exciting’ (in every sense of the word) or that he can run with you to the ‘powder room’ every 4 hours to help you change pads instead of changing positions on some water bed, I refuse to buy the psychologists’ excuse. It’s all bogus. It’s all a huge lie, a conspiracy to make us die from working up our self esteems.

Also God made us the same; we all have the same senses. Like feeling. We all get bored here and there. Male and female, we get bored by doing the same things over and over again. Of course, we do; no one ever said the feeling is particular to a certain sex.
This is where I say, why doesn’t the woman get bored first and go down Search Street to keep busy, and maybe find a male concubine for herself?

So ladies, don’t be surprised when someone comes out of nowhere and pulls away your man, while enjoying a special outing at your favourite restaurant, and, God forbid, if someone else comes up to pull him away from you as well.

Because, like I said, earlier, there is some Tiger and Zuma in your man too.


Read this week's paper

The Telegraph September 30

Digital edition of The Telegraph, September 30, 2020.