Monday, September 28, 2020

Let’s join the European Union

The heat is just unbearable. It is so hot you just wonder how we are able to survive. The climates of the world are a fascinating phenomenon. You get some people inhabiting the hottest places and others in the coldest places. At primary school, we were taught about a strange race of people. They lived in the polar areas of Europe and North America. Those areas are so freezing nothing grows. From the pictures in our geography books, it was evident the terrain could not support plant life.

The teachers told us the people there, freezing every day of their lives, were called Eskimos. They lived in strange houses called igloos. Apparently, the houses were made from snow and ice. I couldn’t understand. If ice was so cold how could one build a house using the same material? Anyway, it looked like they survived in those extreme temperatures. Some of them looked quite happy. In the geography books, they were smiling at the camera. I often wondered about their women.

Everything about the Eskimos was white. They lived in white houses. They wore heavy white clothing made from fur. They wore white boots. They even kept white dogs to pull their sledges. Eskimos certainly seemed interesting. I often would wonder about their women. I am reminded of the Eskimos by this heat. I just wonder how long an Eskimo would survive if they were brought here. I suppose the Eskimos also wonder about us. They ask how long we can survive in their snow and ice. But there are places in the world where we can survive very well. One of those places is Europe. Although the continent tends to be cold, it does have its sunny moments. But we can’t just wake up and move to Europe en masse. Only so many of us can be let in. The only way you can move freely in Europe is by being a citizen of their community of rich nations. It is called the European Union. Only countries that are organised and behave themselves are allowed in the club. They have no time for rogues.

None of the rogue nations of Europe are members. Only if they start improving their behaviour are they allowed to join. Even then, they go through a period of probation. Any lapse to the bad old ways is punished. The ultimate sanction is expulsion. No country wants to be expelled. So they all behave. They behave well because there is an incentive for that. Member countries enjoy access to each other’s markets. Their citizens are allowed to move around unhindered. If a citizen of one of the club members feels bored they can get on the train and find work in the next country.

Because of this system no one wants to lose the benefits of membership. Those inside want to stay forever and those outside want to go in. Now, that is unlike in our part of the world. No matter how terrible a country is, it still enjoys automatic membership of all existing organisations such as the African Union or SADC. Rogues and criminals lead many African countries. But that has never been a problem. For as long as you are black or situated in the continent, membership is an entitlement. That is in contrast to Europeans. They are all white. But being white doesn’t mean they tolerate bad behaviour. Being white doesn’t confer automatic membership to the European Union. That is why I think we should join the European Union. They have never said they want white members only. Come to think of it, we are not doing too badly ourselves.

We have our problems but we try and manage them well. The chaps in power don’t harass us. Okay, they are coming up with laws that regulate how much you can drink. Still, that’s not as bad as banning booze. They don’t throw us in jail for disagreeing with them. Here, you can say what you like and won’t spend the night in prison. Our laws are the envy of many. For instance, we don’t allow people to walk around brandishing guns. And, of course, we are tough. If you kill somebody, you hang. In short, we are fairly organised and deserve to be rewarded. The best reward for us is to become a member of the European Union. It will allow our citizens to move freely in Europe. It won’t be a one-way street though. The European Union can learn a few things from us as well. Although they don’t hang their murderers, we can assist with how to deal with anti social behaviour.

Instead of throwing people in jail for small crimes, we simply flog them in public. I am sure Europeans who have problems with loutish behaviour will welcome this innovative way of dealing with miscreants. But, even more important, the Union has problems such as low fertility rates and decreasing populations. No one seems to know why but it would seem Europeans are not interested in making babies. I suppose the booming same sex industry does not help matters. Such is the gravity of the problem that in countries like Germany couples are given money to bear children.

Apparently, in the Union, various incentives are dished out for having children. It’s unbelievable. I mean, can you just imagine the state giving people cash to have some fun in bed? Among all the reasons I have cited, this is the best one for joining the European Union. Now if we are allowed free movement, I’m sure the population of the European Union would increase. As citizens, our chaps would be given subsidised plane tickets to travel to Europe and move around, having fun. I mean, if the Union pays people to do what they best enjoy, it must be a wonderful system. It’s even better than communism. I think our government should give serious thought to applying for membership to the Union. Never mind that we are in Africa. It has happened before. Israel is in the Middle East. But it plays its international sport with Asian countries. I understand that is because Arabs and Israelis don’t see eye to eye. But as for us, we must be rewarded for good behaviour. There is no joy belonging to a continent of criminals and thugs.

Like I said, we are doing well. Even the Europeans themselves say that. Now they must put their money where their mouth is by allowing us to join their club. And who knows, one might just meet an Eskimo woman and in no time receive a cheque from the Union for a bouncing Afro-Skimo baby!

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Sunday Standard September 27 – 3 October

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of September 27 - 3 October, 2020.