Saturday, September 26, 2020

Letter from Harare!

My dear brother, I read your letter with great sadness. The contents left me with a heavy heart.

The matters that you raise are indeed grave and desirous of urgent attention. It is unfortunate that you were unable to attend my 85th birthday celebrations.

As you know, my supporters had organised a big function for me. As always, Grace was by my side. The kids had made sure they came down from Hong Kong for the party.

I was so glad to see them. In these trying times a man needs his closest family members around him.
Your attendance would have allowed you and I to put our heads together and discuss how best to resolve our common problems. I accepted your apology because I am aware of the dangers that may befall you in the course of long distance flying. What if they tamper with your jet and you are forced to land right in the middle of a country friendly to them?

As I say, your problem is my problem. I am just wondering if they started with you first because your country is blessed with vast oil resources. You were right in your observation that our problems are rooted in natural resources.

The imperialists and their local collaborators want to lay their hands on our resources. They use nefarious means and ways.

I watched on television when the International Criminal Court announced their decision to indict you. I have never seen such a miscarriage of justice in my life. How can a man like you who has fought so hard for the betterment of his country and people be dragged before a kangaroo court on such flimsy, ridiculous charges? The problem with those Europeans is that they don’t understand African leadership.

They fail to recognise that here we rule just like in the village. Our people need to be led. If they are not, they can sell the country to imperialists. From my last state visit to your great country I could tell that the people love you. I cannot forget how they danced and chanted both our names. To me those were happy people. You will recall that you got a similar reception when you visited my country some years back. The people were overjoyed to see you.

Sadly, our problem is the troublemakers who question our authority. These are cheeky, disrespectful and spoiled elements who think they are smarter than everybody else. The problem is that this democracy nonsense. That is why when they get drunk on democracy and vote wrongly, I simply ignore the outcome.
If democracy means voting me out, well I won’t have anything to do with it. As a leader I have a duty to deal with those who cause alarm in the general population. Going around and saying I should be voted out of office because I am old and have overstayed cannot be permitted.

In the village the chief stays in office forever. All the troublemakers have roots in the village and yet when they arrive in town they want to forget how things operate on our continent. I am not ashamed to say I have had many of them locked up. The unrepentant have had a worse fate visited on them.

I long realised that to stay long in power you have to have tough boys who can crack a few skulls and, if need be, remove troublemakers permanently.

I have been accused of running down the economy. I cannot believe how ungrateful these people are. Where were they when I fought in the liberation struggle to free them? Now they are in cahoots with white people telling me to quit.

My dear brother, I am not going anywhere. I fought for this country. This is my country. The other day, I had to remind them that the snakes, animals, plants and everything in this country belong to me. This is my Zimbabwe.

Regarding an arrest warrant for me, I have not received anything. Certainly I cannot claim not to be worried because they might be preparing mine. That is why I agreed to share power with those idiots from the opposition.
In actual fact, there is nothing like power sharing. I hold power and, in turn, they can enjoy their positions.

I appoint all the key posts. Recently, just to show them who is in charge, I appointed all the new senior civil servants. They can wail and cry all they want. I know they are only doing it for the benefit of their foreign supporters. There is no way they will quit the government. I have made sure they are chauffeured in posh vehicles and put up in luxury mansions. I know them. I know how to shut them up. If you want the opposition to shut up just dole out the trappings of power and they will be happy.

Regarding your fate I don’t think it’s too late to reverse your situation. I suggest we get a few of our African brothers to organise meetings with the opposition groups who represent the people you are said to have killed. We must deposit a few millions into their bank accounts and then get them to issue a statement saying they support you and it’s a lie that you ever committed any crimes against humanity.

In the week I received your letter, I had a tricky situation when the opposition bloke here had a car accident. I am yet to get a report from my boys as to whether it was their handiwork or just an ordinary accident. But the bloke lost his wife. Before I could even check with my boys, he himself announced that the car crash was a genuine accident. I went to check him in hospital and told Grace beforehand to shed a tear or two just for effect.

Knowing my Grace her tears were probably genuine because the bloke didn’t die.

Though worried about the arrest warrant, I am now optimistic that if it comes, the opposition bloke will tell the whites to go easy. I have him on my side. He is right in my pocket. He has a new title of prime minister. He drives new, expensive cars. His friends are cabinet ministers. They are happy. Hadn’t he lost his wife I am sure he too would be very happy.

As soon as he finishes with his grieving I want to dish out a few more positions to his friends. I noticed he has grown up children. I want to appoint one of them as ambassador. I will also set up his relatives in some plush jobs. He will be so happy the whites will think twice about that arrest warrant. So, like I say, it is not too late. Work on a few similar strategies and they might withdraw the warrant.

There is no way I am going to hang like our old comrade Saddam. I am not going for trial at that International Criminal Court like our buddy Charles Taylor.

Let me stop there because I have to call the opposition bloke to check if he is fine. It’s important I call him in his time of grief so that he can tell the imperialists to shove their arrest warrant.

As for my family, the kids have returned to Hong Kong. I asked them to correspond with your kids to see if they can go to the same school.

PS: Grace says pass her greetings to your four wives, particularly the pretty young one. My madam says as soon as the sanctions are lifted the two of them will go shopping at Harrods in London. I think she is tired of shopping in places like China. Though they are our comrades, I must say their stuff is of dubious quality. Please stay strong. My dear brother, no one will remove you as the supreme leader of Sudan.

Comradely yours,

Robert Mugabe
President of Zimbabwe

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