Monday, September 21, 2020

Letter from Sudan!

Comrade Robert, when I took power, my mother said she knew I would end up a great man.

I am certain your dear old mama said the same to you.
Just like you, when I took office, there was an outpouring of euphoria and unbridled joy. I must say I was taken aback.

As I lapped up the adulation, I realized that this thing called power is sweet. In fact, I wondered why I had not taken over earlier.
As you know, I have been at the helm of my country for so many years. I rule over a vast territory, the largest on the continent. There are all kinds of people inhabiting this place.
Now, as you would imagine, it is difficult to run a country, especially one as big as mine. I mean, I hear from some colleagues that it is even difficult to run small countries with populations of less than two million.

My comrade, the biggest problem is the imperialist and his fellow local traveller. Right now, you are in trouble because you took the land from the imperialists and returned it to the rightful owners. For close to a decade now, you are being hounded by the imperialists and their local lackeys. That is precisely the problem I have here.

I am accused of killing innocent people and denying them food and water. I am accused of razing down their villages and killing their livestock. It does not stop there, I am accused of raping their women folk. These imperialist lies have been making the rounds for many years. But they are simply not true. It is said I committed all these things in a place called Darfur.
Now they just dropped a bomb on me.

To say I got the shock of my life this past week would be an understatement. I am paralytic with fear. I don’t know who to turn to.
Some outfit called the International Criminal Court has issued a warrant for my arrest. I never believed it would come to this. My ministers told me it would never happen. My highly paid advisers laughed when I asked them if it were remotely possible I could be indicted. They said we have many friends in the Arab world and no one would dare touch me. They said we have many friends in Africa and no one would lift a finger against me. And now this.

I am sacking the whole lot of them. I don’t give a damn. The purpose of this letter is to seek your advice on what to do. I have been trying to call some friendly presidents. They are not taking my calls. I guess they are no longer friendly. They don’t wish to be seen interacting with me.

To think I used to invite them here and treat them to all the pomp and pageantry befitting visiting heads of state. How I would host lavish banquets for them and today they don’t want to take my calls.

My dear comrade, please help me. You are the only other president who understands my predicament. It is important that we come up with a strategy to foil these arrest warrants. I hear yours is on the way. There is no way they and their lackeys will let you off the hook.
I don’t understand imperialists. How can we be accused of crimes against our own people? The only people we whack are the cheeky ones who want to question our authority.

In your country I know some railway shunter fancied himself as president. You did well to fix that election. The problem with our people is that they can be dumb. That is why when they vote for somebody like the railway shunter the election outcome should simply be ignored. After all, they don’t know what is good for them. What is the role of a leader? Our role is to lead and if people want to be idiots by voting for the wrong chap, well they must be shown the way and be led.

I must say I admire how you managed to survive the onslaught by the imperialists and trick the railway shunter and his lot into a unity government. You were right all along when you said they can’t run Zimbabwe. They are fools. It was so easy to hoodwink them. Let them ride in the nice cars and live in the mansions, but without wielding any power.

Back to the arrest warrant, I am terrified. What if they hang me like our old buddy Saddam? What if they lock me up for life? My dear comrade, I am at my wit’s end. I regret why I did not quit all those years ago when the university students demanded I go. Instead, I had them abducted and shot.

What will happen to my wives? As a Muslim I can marry up to four women. Exactly what I did. I am worried about the young one. Very pretty she is. What about my children? I hear your kids are holed up in Hong Kong. Smart man you are. If only I had sent mine to a similar place. I am thinking, if I resign will they let me go free? What about all the wealth I have accumulated?

I am devastated. I think it’s all over for me. I regret all the bad things I did. I thought everything I did was for the good of my country. Now my countrymen are dancing in the streets celebrating my imminent arrest. Just like your people, mine are also ungrateful. I trust you will help me. You know all the survival tactics. If you fail I know you would have done your best.
When they issue an arrest warrant for you, at least you will find me, your good friend waiting for you. Please pray for me. And dare I say pray for yourself too.

Say hello to your pretty madam, Grace and the kids in Hong Kong. Don’t forget to write back.

Yours in comradeship, Omar al Bashir President of Sudan

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