Thursday, September 24, 2020

Letter to Ian!

Hi mate. I am happy to hear you arrived safely back home. I want you to teach me how to fly.
When I visit your country, I want to do so at the controls of my own private jet. Will your people cheer when I arrive at the airport? I hear they are a difficult crowd.

Anyway, I must say we had a lovely week end at the reed dance. By the way, our dads were close chums, and they would have been so proud to see us together.
As you know, my father kicked the bucket ages ago, and I had to step into his shoes. I must say they are big shoes. When you look at the fact that he was married to over one hundred women, this can be no small feat.

Anyway, I am doing fine so far. I am already on wife number fourteen. Just after I saw you off at the airport, I got down to the business of selecting wife number fifteen. My boys have shot videos of the reed dance. I will be spending the next couple of days viewing them in order to choose the lucky lady.

I hear that some people in your country were opposed to your visit here. I cannot understand why. But that is your problem. Your dad introduced this weird concept called democracy. He tried to talk my father into following suit. He refused. Smart guy. Now look at what democracy is doing to you.

The reason I don’t like democracy is because anyone can say what they like. Even poor people. People in democracies don’t respect their kings. Look at you. I know that you are a king by birth. And yet some of your people don’t care. They can say all sorts of things about you. They even complain when you want to visit me. They practically run your life.

Just recently, worried at their rate of drinking, you wanted to introduce an alcohol levy. You could not go ahead with the policy simply because of this nonsense called democracy. Look at me. My people are not any different from yours in terms of their love for alcohol. But unlike you, if I decide to introduce a levy, I will do it. No single soul in my kingdom can raise a finger. Here I run the show and whoever does not like my decisions can choose between jail and leaving the country.

I am not bothered by elections. This is not America where people can even vote for a nigger. Anyway, the only reason I am not coming up with the levy is because it will mean the local male population spending more time at home. That would be bad because very soon they would realise I have taken all the women. Better to let them drink and forget about women.

Like I say, I have no time for this rubbish called democracy. I hear you are great pals with that bloke from Zims. Seeing that you spend so much time together can you tell him to get some plastic surgery done on his face?
Every time that guy has a problem he runs off to you. Let me tell you. I don’t like that man. He is the nigger causing all the trouble for my friend Old Man. I just don’t understand what black people want. Actually I blame Old Man. He used to be in love with this ridiculous idea of democracy. Now look at what it got him into. At the rate things are going, he will be out of power by Christmas. And do you know what that means?

First, he will lose that pretty dish of his. Hey, I am married to fourteen women, going onto the next in two weeks time, but I have never seen a dish as hot as Pretty Face. Had she pitched up at my first reed dance, I would have selected her. In any case what is she doing with an old geezer who will be hanged soon?

Now, with this democracy thing, the new bloke, your friend, might even take that woman. I don’t like that. Not at all. When Old Man walks to the gallows I want that woman for myself. When you agreed to come here, I thought you would choose a maiden for yourself. Did you see how they were all staring at you? I guess they have never seen such a handsome chap. They must have loved the afro. And how do you keep so fit and trim?

Those suits look like they were designed for you. I think you have given me a good idea. I intend to take up gym in the next few days. I used to think all those women can keep me fit. Clearly, that is not the case. I will have to train hard to keep up with the demands of the younger wives. As I prepare to go onto wife number fifteen, I wonder if I will be able to keep up with her.

Let me say you were so reserved over the weekend. I suppose that is why you did not select a maiden. The villagers back where you come from must be disappointed. If you are not married by then, I plan to invite you back next year. Surely you would be relaxed enough to find someone you like. And don’t you worry. I own everything here, even the women.

And why not come with your brothers next year? I hear one of the twins is a politician. I don’t understand your family. So he has also bought into this idea of democracy? Anyway much as I don’t agree with your funny ideas, you boys are welcome here for the next reed dance. Please make sure the noisy crowd back in your country don’t convince you to talk to me about democracy. I don’t like that idea.
By the way, can you get me a pair of spectacles? I think I am going blind. I hardly sleep because of the fourteen wives. They all demand their share of me. I wish I could write more. But let me run and entertain one of them!

Your mate,

King Mswati

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