Sunday, June 11, 2023

Letter to Jacob Zuma!

Sir, let me start with an apology for going so long without writing. As you will recall my last letter was more than a year ago. Back then, things were looking bleak for you. Very few people wanted to be associated with you. Your enemies called you all sorts of derogatory names. I wonder where those people are today. They must be trembling and quaking in their shoes. If they have not already left your beautiful country, they had better do it soon. Sir, you were called a rapist because of that minor incident where you decided to relax with the young girl. It was a minor incident because even the courts dismissed the case, pointing out that you and the young girl had a consensual relationship.

I think people were being unfair on you. All elderly men want to sleep with young girls. And for you to be hauled before the courts for doing what all other men do was persecution of the highest order. They also labelled you corrupt. That, of course, was nonsense. What is wrong with your Indian friend giving you money when you are broke? The people who were saying such ridiculous things don’t know how difficult it is to run a huge family. They omit to remember that when the Indian gave assistance, you had three wives and some eighteen kids. Now that’s a lot of people to take care of.
The Indian helped you with money for school fees and also bought you nice clothes. That is a mark of friendship. I think I want to get myself an Indian too. Anyway, none of the people who speak badly about you ever gave you any assistance. I am happy to note that you recently got married to wife number four. I cut the pictures from the newspaper. They are now framed on my office wall. I especially like the picture showing you dancing with mama. You looked so happy, and she too. I hear she has a little toddler. That means you are on child number nineteen. At the age of sixty-five that is no small feat. It means you are strong and that you look after yourself well. As your supporters, we want to see pictures of the boy. We trust he will turn out to be a great man like you. Sir, you need not worry about how you are going to support the four wives and the nineteen children. The state will take care of them.

The state will pay their school fees. The state will feed and clothe them. The state will give them an allowance. The same applies for the madams. It’s all provided for in the law. This is a good law. I mean, we don’t want people pointing at dirty and barefooted kids with snot streaming down their noses, saying those are the president’s children. I think from now onwards, I will just refer to you as the president. Your victory at the party congress last December means you are headed right to state house in a few months time. That is why they insist on charging you for receiving help from the Indian. But just like with the rape case, you are going to walk this one. Where has a person ever been convicted for getting help from friends? We want you to win the case quickly so that when you become president, it will be without the distractions of petty allegations. And sir, as soon as you arrive for work on your first day, you must issue instructions for the Indian to be released. That man does not belong in jail. He deserves a national honour instead. You must remember that without him, your chances of becoming president would have been zero. The state will also have to pay him compensation for all the time he spent in jail. I need to warn you that some of the comrades are worried. They think when you become president, you will stop singing and dancing to that lovely song. I want you to allay their fears. You must assure them that nothing is going to change.

You must tell the comrades that even when you go to England to visit the queen, you will still sing and dance to that song. I know it is a busy time for you with everyone trying to dispense advice. Today, many of the people claiming to be your supporters were not there during trying times. You must know your loyal supporters from the hangers- on who emerged only after your great victory at the party congress. I followed the congress closely. As you were announced the winner, I started thinking what we should do about the loser. He looked shocked and forlorn. He should have seen it coming. But too much education and high English had blinded him.
Now that he will be vacating the state house soon, don’t you think its time for some payback? I know you are a nice man who is forever smiling. But when you are president you must make tough decisions. As soon as the Indian is released, the next item on the agenda will have to be Thabo. He must go to jail. He can’t go alone. His friends will have to accompany him. That is how things are done on this continent. Former presidents and their friends must account for their misdeeds in office. Thabo is apparently a man of letters. He is said to write and read a lot; exactly why he could not run the country. Instead of singing and dancing with the masses, he spent too much time engaged in useless activities such as reading, computer surfing and writing.

In jail he can take charge of the library. He will be right at home. I mean how can a man run a country when he spends all his time quoting long dead white poets? That is the reason we like you. You did not stay long in school.
You are not known to read or write. I am sure you have never seen a single poem in your life. That, however, has not stopped millions from supporting you. All of us, the comrades who support you, did not stay long in school either. We don’t read nor write. Although we don’t know what a poem is, we can certainly sing and dance. We are just like you!

NB: Sir, this was just a brief note to check on you. Next week I will write again about some issues that concern me.

Your loyal follower,
Comrade Loose Canon.


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