Greetings Your Majesty!
It’s been some time since you and I entered into correspondence. In fact, I think I last dropped you a note on the eve of the reed dance a few years ago.
I am sure you recall the letter from me asking if you could hook me up with a hot chick if I came over.
I didn’t get a reply, let alone an acknowledgement of receipt. I was not impressed by your staff at the palace. They get paid so much money and they don’t have the decency to acknowledge a simple letter.
But on second thoughts, it occurred to me that they probably receive thousands of such letters every year from all over the world. I mean there must be zillions of blokes out there dying to attend the reed dance and score with a pretty maiden.
Obviously, with those many letters, it is impossible to respond to all of them.
On third thoughts, something told me you have probably instructed the palace staff not to acknowledge any of our letters because you don’t like the idea of other men salivating after your maidens.
There must be man at the palace in charge of the fire where they burn all the letters from men who write asking for nice treatment at the reed dance.
Your majesty I must say you are a lucky bloke. You are the luckiest bloke in the world. No man has the opportunity to view half dressed damsels, year after year, parading in front of him so that he can make a selection.
I hear that there are so many of them you are unable to make your selection right there on the spot. To get around the problem, your loyal staff films the whole thing so that you can view the video at your own leisure and ensure you pick just the right girl fit for a king.
I mean, show me a single man who lives your life. None.
Right now, I hear you are on wife number fourteen.
For a relatively young man of forty two this is a world record. With a new wife every year, you must be the happiest chap on this earth. The reason many men are so unhappy is because they are stuck with only one wife.
They are not spoilt for choice like you.
Anyway, I decided to write because you seem to have found yourself in a spot of bother recently.
The news is all over the world.
I hear that in your kingdom all those jealous men are so happy at what happened to you. Although they could not show it publicly they were rejoicing because they say you take all the pretty maidens and leave them with the ugly ones.
It appears many women are also happy. Their gripe with you is that they attend the reed dance year after year, and you just overlook them because you prefer the younger girls.
It would seem the source of your current woes is the reed dance. I learn that one of the girls you picked at the reed dance as your wife number twelve has been caught making out with one of the slaves.
I use the word slave to mean all the subjects who reside in your kingdom.
That slave has cheek.
How can you give the slave a nice position in your cabinet, only for him to turn around and sleep with the queen? I have never in my whole life heard anything like it. I mean, how does anyone explain a slave bedding a queen?
I saw pictures of the slave when the police came in to arrest him. He actually hid himself inside the base of the hotel-room bed. I wish I were there.
Had the police invited me to accompany them on the raid, I would have killed that slave on the spot.
He is very lucky I was not in tow. Unlike all the men across the world who are laughing at you, I am very angry.
Unlike them, I like you. You are my main man.
That is why I wrote you that letter asking to come to the reed dance. My heart becomes sore when people make jokes about your problems.
I hope the person who told the newspaper people about that incident is arrested because they have caused you shame and embarrassment.
My king, I know you are saddened by what happened. You feel betrayed by your queen. I mean you took her from nowhere and turned her into somebody. You took care of all her needs and even had a palace built for her.
Your Majesty, I say black people can be so ungrateful.
Anyway I have been following events in the kingdom since that incident. I don’t know how you plan to resolve the matter.
Of course, with that slave, it should be easy. Let him stew in his own soup.
Finally, he might decide to hang himself.
If he does not, then just lock him up and throw the keys away. That will teach other slaves not to sleep with the queens.
But what to do with the queen?
There is no doubt she is a beautiful girl. I know all your queens right from wife number one whom you chose all those years ago at the first reed dance when you assumed the throne. But of all the queens the one who was caught with the slave is the most beautiful of them all.
From what I hear, in your tradition, a queen who has committed such sin must be banished from the kingdom.
This is because if she stays in the palace then bad luck will befall the royal court and the other queens will copy her behaviour. If she stays in the kingdom, everyone will be reminded of the incident whenever they see her.
So tradition says she must be banished because out of sight is out of mind.
I do not know to which place you plan to banish the queen. In that case Your Majesty, I have a solution.
The queen must be banished to a place where she will be taken care of by people who like you. As I have said, all the men I know are laughing at you.
In that letter I wrote you that was burned by the palace fire man, I told you how much I like you. You are my hero. No man is more handsome than you. No man is richer than you. No man surpasses your intelligence.
I therefore, and in the most humble terms request Your Majesty to banish the errant queen to my country. I will give her shelter. She and I will live together. I will also write letters to you reporting on her behaviour. Please, Your Majesty, banish the queen to my house. Just tell me when I should come and fetch her!
Your devoted subject,
Loose Canon
