Saturday, September 26, 2020

Letter to Madame Governor of the Central Bank!

Madame, I hope this letter finds you in good health.

I am glad that despite your demanding job, you still retain your exquisite looks.

I am very proud that we have a governor of the big bank who is the fairest of them all. You give ladies half your age a run for their money in the beauty stakes.

Anyway, the purpose of this letter is not to wax lyrical about your looks. Rather, I want to inform you how badly I have been affected by the recession and how I want to be bailed out.

Some of us simple people don’t know how these things work.
In the dire circumstances we find ourselves in, we don’t know who to turn to. But as we all know you are the person in charge of the money in this country. And we all know this recession is about the lack of money to do the things we like. Any appeal for a bailout must, therefore, be directed at the person who controls the money.

I am not the one for whining without suggesting a remedy. This recession has been going on forever. Evidently, it has no intention of slowing down.

When the recession started, I came up with what I thought was a gem of an idea.

Fully cognizant of the fact that the government could not discharge her obligations due to lack of money, I proposed a method through which authorities would be rid of caring for everybody.

Look, the people of this country must learn that the government is not their mother. Whenever they want something, it is always the government they turn to.

Madame, this cannot go on. Everyone must learn to live according to their means, and wits. So I thought with my idea, the government would forever be free to get on with the job of governing instead of playing nanny to the whole citizenry.

You see, we were told that because no diamonds were being sold, the state coffers were empty. This came as a shock to a lot of us who had always known that diamonds are forever.

When the rich people overseas stopped buying our diamonds, reality dawned that the shiny little stones were mortal after all. It also dawned on us that our nice country was not so special after all.
In the face of the crises, I suggested every citizen should paddle their own canoe. For this to work I proposed that everyone should be given their own diamond to see what to do with it.

Those who wanted to put it on display could do so. Those foolish enough to give it to a female partner in the name of love could so do. And those who wished to find buyers for their stone, and negotiate a good price could take that route.

I was operating under the belief that the diamonds belong to the nation and to every single one of us. Isn’t that what we have been taught right from primary school?
The teachers told us the diamonds were ours. So I thought if the diamonds are ours, and the government cannot find buyers, why not give every citizen their portion?

Madame, I did write a letter to the man who controls the diamonds. He did not favour me with a reply. I did not consider that rude. On the contrary, I smelt a rat.

I mean, if the white folks overseas are not buying our diamonds, and if indeed the diamonds belong to the people, what is so difficult about giving me my stone to see what to do with it? Under the circumstances, that would be the most practical thing to do.

For one, I don’t think the government is able to negotiate a good price. As a man who drives a hard bargain, I was confident I would fetch more for my stone. Hence, the refusal by the authorities to give me my diamond was a clear statement that what we were told at primary school is a piece of fraud. It’s a scam.
The diamonds don’t belong to us after all.

They belong to certain people and only those certain people can decide when to sell.

When the money arrives, those people get their share and leave us with a few crumbs. Until someone convinces me otherwise, I hold the belief that the diamonds are not ours.

Consequently, the textbooks must be changed to reflect this reality. Madame, you are probably wondering why I am raising the issue of the diamonds with you since you are only in charge of the money, not the gems.

Well, that is precisely the reason. Again, we were taught at primary school that this country has loads of money. Even after we finished school, the ministers and other important personalities would announce at public meetings how this country had so much money it had even put some of it in reserve. We were the envy of everyone.

I was proud that my country had so much money it didn’t know what to do with it. Apparently, when the money is in reserve, lots of people are hired to look after it in the various banks.

Indeed, I was proud that my nice little country could hire many white people to look after our money.
With this recession, and after my experience with the diamonds, I am not so sure anymore.
In fact, I am downright skeptical if this country really has any foreign reserves.

Just like with the diamonds that were supposed to belong to us until I caught them out by demanding mine, I smell a rat. Madame, I want you to convince us this country actually has any money in foreign reserves.

I am a big boy and don’t want any tales of how the minister responsible informed the nation about the reserves in his budget speech. It was just a speech. Anyone can come up with figures alleging they are foreign reserves. I need more convincing.

While still at it, are those foreign reserves not supposed to belong to us? If that is the case, I want my share. I am a bonafide citizen of this country, born and bred here. At the rate things are going, I shall be spending the rest of my days here.
As a citizen, I have certain rights. One of my rights is not to live a life of poverty because of the recession.

I, therefore, politely ask you as the lady in charge of the big bank to give me my money. I don’t want any trouble. I think you are a nice lady and I don’t want your pretty looks to wilt under severe cross examination from my lawyers when I an forced to drag you before the courts to claim what is rightfully mine.

I am sick and tired of being told fairy tales. The diamonds were said to belong to us and when I demanded my portion, it was not forthcoming. The foreign reserves are said to belong to us. To convince me that the foreign reserves exist, I want to be given my share. And don’t even think of writing me a cheque.

I want to accompany you to those banks overseas and check if indeed we have hired white people to look after our money. I want to go into the vaults and see the crisp currency notes. I want to visit our money and watch it relaxing in the vaults under the watchful eye of white attendants.
When we are there, I don’t want to be shown any financial statement. That is just a piece of paper anyone can produce.

I want to see the real money. And right there I want my share to be counted out in cash.

I will take my money and never ever bother the government again.
Madame I want my money. I will not take no for an answer!

Keenly awaiting your response,

Loose Canon
(a citizen who knows his rights)


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