Thursday, September 24, 2020

Letter to President Obama!

Hello Mr President. First things first. You rigged. I am convinced you rigged the elections. No one wins that big. Only in third world countries can someone win so big. They win big because they rig. But let’s not pursue the matter any farther. Your opponent accepted the outcome. So I guess that brings the matter to a close. By the way I did not support you. I am an honest man. In the current euphoria I am sure it is difficult to find a single person who did not support you.

Not me. I am man enough to tell you I wanted you to lose. However, now that you have won I too accept you as president. I have a reason for telling you this. After your victory everyone claims to be your supporter. They are trying to outcry each other with tears of joy. That is where I come in. I am convinced you now need honest people around you who will tell it like it is. I worship no man. I fear no man. Even the sad white man with blue eyes and long blond hair who was nailed to the cross, knows it. You need people like me. I will dispense good advice. All of it will be truthful and meant to help you do your job. For instance my first piece of advice is to stay away from Africa. Yep, you heard me. You must keep a safe distance from this continent. I could not believe my eyes when I saw a man claiming to be your brother parading in front of the international media.

First of all he gathered what he alleged was the rest of your family behind him. To me it seemed like three entire villages. Then he punched a few numbers on his mobile phone, claiming he was returning your call. Behind him excited villagers fell dead silent, waiting for you to answer. I am glad you did not. Don’t take any calls from Africa. We don’t want riots. If you ever so much as speak to anyone here, then everyone will demand to know what the conversation was about. They will think you promised to send the person some money. All hell will break loose. The other problem is that if you come here, you will never leave. The moment your plane comes to a halt, people will camp around it. They won’t go home. They will build cooking fires around it. They will sleep underneath the plane. This to make sure it doesn’t leave them behind. Fights will break out as the people jostle to position themselves as close to the plane as possible. After all we all want to go to America. A whole village will mushroom around the plane. By the time your visit comes to an end the plane would not be able to taxi away.

You would have to be evacuated by chopper. The new village will grow and grow around the stranded plane. Years later, with the plane minus wheels now a shell and the local chief living in it, the villagers will tell the story of how they waited for you to fly them to America. Again, visiting Africa will only increase poverty. As if there’s not been enough looting already, the governments will want to build you a hotel and a new airport only for a few days visit. If you don’t want to make Africans even poorer, stay away. In Africa it is impolite to turn down gifts. If you come here our people will give you all sorts of things. Since your old man was a goat herder, you will get plenty of goats.

They will give you melons. They will give you chickens. Because you won’t be able to reject the gifts they will have to go on the plane. By the time the crew have finished loading all the livestock, Noah’s Ark will resemble a small canoe. The other reason not to come is to avert civil war. Entire villages would wage war claiming they contributed chickens and eggs to send your father to school in America. In the interest of peace and stability don’t come to Africa. We have had enough of machetes. Another reason to stay away is because of the ongoing frenzy where every child is named Obama. Please take pity on the poor children. We don’t want another frenzy to name every new born Air Force One the moment your plane touches down. I am glad you did not make a single mention of Africa in your victory speech. That will teach Africans you were elected to run America.

If they and their leaders cannot get their house in order, that is not your problem. My second piece of advice is straight forward. Don’t invite any Africans to the inauguration, least of all the villagers. Like I said, right now we have fights in many villages between people who want to make up the delegation to your inauguration. I am certain word has gone around that you will be sending a plane. Knowing my people they are busy packing their Tastic rice bags, together with sleeping mats and blankets to travel to Washington for the big day. Ignore them. It is their problem if they find themselves at their local airstrip with no plane to fly them to America. Again, knowing them, in despair, and in hope, some may decide to walk to America, unaware that there is an ocean in between. And let me warn you, inviting any of them to the inauguration will see you out of office in your first term. They will arrive and want to slaughter a goat on the lawn of the White House to please the ancestors.

The tourists will be appalled. Americans would demand to know why your relatives killed an innocent goat. I bet so many Africans will show up. On being told there are not enough rooms in the White House they will retort so what? They will sleep in the kitchen and in the lounge, as they do when visiting city cousins back in Africa. Those rooms full, some will volunteer to sleep out in the open on the lawn. Yet others will complain they came dressed in rags, and want to borrow your shoes and suits. If you complain they will tell you in Africa, clothing is shared. The older ones might remind you they lent your father some trousers when he came to America, and you musn’t be funny because he never returned them. Don’t invite any African leaders either. They will try and envelope you in brotherly hugs.

In the process you will catch all the terrible diseases they suffer from. For your information, African leaders are afflicted with diseases such as intolerance and hatred for democracy, free speech and human rights. They also suffer from a terminal condition called corruption. They are a nasty lot our leaders. Mr President, Africans are a difficult lot. I happen to know because I am African. You will never know them as well as I do. For this reason you need an adviser on Africans. That is my job. An honest person like me who did not support you and knows Africans inside out is the answer. I am awaiting your call. Next week I will advise you how to handle the niggers. Thank you Mr President!


Read this week's paper

Masisi creates his own “deep state”?

The government enclave is discussing a new law that will expand the president’s overreach and make it easier for the Directorate of...