Thursday, September 24, 2020

Letter to Pretty Face!

Honey, I have not slept for a week now. Ever since the elections, I have been so excited I am unable to eat.

I have not stopped smiling. People probably think I am crazy because of the goofy grin stuck to my face. I knew that this day would come. Oh, how sweet life can be. They say good things come to those who wait. You will attest that I have been patient and loyal. I never gave up on the dream. Very soon my dreams will come true. Some people say Old Man was foolish to call elections with so many people hungry. As they say a hungry man is an angry man. They say he could have delayed the elections until his retirement. For me that would have been a tragedy because it would have meant the two of you spending the rest of your lives together. I was happy when he announced that the country would be going to the polls. I knew that he would lose, and the outcome would only help us to live happily ever after. Quite clearly, Old Man has lost. His party has also lost.

No matter how much those cheats running the elections try to delay the announcement, it is all over for him. He must be shattered. Honey, tell me how he has been acting? Is he able to sleep? I am sure he has hinted that the family should leave the country. Has he not contemplated suicide? I would love to see him. He must be in a terrible state. The purpose of this letter is to tell you that soon you will be free from the clutches of Old Man. I know you have never been happy in that marriage. How can anyone be happy married to a dictator? But worry not no more because in a few days time he will be in custody, pending a transfer to The Hague. You see, Old Man has committed untold atrocities. He has killed innocent citizens. He has imprisoned people for simply saying they don’t agree with his policies. Others have just disappeared. Old Man has ruined the economy of that once prosperous country.

Many Zimbos left the country all because of his harebrained policies. Granted, it was not a bad idea to seize those farms from the racists. I think they deserved it seeing how arrogant some of them are. But he could have done it differently without bringing hardship to the country. His methods were wrong and resulted in so many people starving. All over the world highly educated Zimbos not lucky enough to get nice jobs have been reduced to gardeners and nannies. Where have you ever met a domestic helper who knows more English than the madam? Well there are plenty of them around here and they are all from your country.

The blame must be placed squarely on the shoulders of Old Man. I am not a mean person. I accept that he led the struggle against those racists. The years following independence were good. Your country was the envy of everyone on the continent. Zimbos fed themselves and other Africans like us who have no clue how to grow their own food. I can sit here all daylong and recite the crimes committed by Old Man against his people. For some time I had given up on Zimbos. I could never understand how one man could cause so much misery and yet be returned to power at every election. Okay, I know he cheated in the elections. But he was not the first tyrant to rig elections. Though a pacifist I used to wonder why Zimbos did not resort to other means to remove him.
My respect for Zimbos has now been restored. By tossing out Old Man through the ballot, they have indeed redeemed themselves in my eyes. At times I got so frustrated that I hated all Zimbos, except you. After the elections I love all Zimbos, with you at the top of the pile. Tell me how the kids are handling the defeat? I mean ever since birth they have never lived anywhere except at State House. It must be a shock to them. Tell them not to worry they will get used to it. Theirs is not the first family to have lost power. People do get used to these things.

I ask myself what we are going to do with the kids. I am certain they will hate me. In that case, it would be advisable to send them to the village to stay with their grandmother. They will get used to village life and eat goat hooves like everybody else. Honey, during chaotic times like these some individuals tend to forget the important things in life. In my last letter to you I advised you to make sure you put away some of his fortune in a secret bank account. He must be worth loads. As you are well aware, I don’t have a lot of money. I won’t be able to put you up in luxury. Ours will be relationship founded on love. My love and your love plus the money you bring will be a wonderful combination. As for Old Man, he will be in the dock in The Hague. I don’t know what the verdict will be at the end. I think he will be lucky to get a life sentence. My hunch is that he will be hanged. I hope they day they hang him he will dress nicely and approach the gallows with courage and dignity like his old buddy Saddam.
I miss you so much. I look forward to the day we meet. I only find consolation in that photograph you sent me. Yes, the one where you were relaxing by the pool side. Make sure you bring your photo album along. I want to spoil myself viewing all your photos. No woman compares to you on this earth. A final reminder: make sure you refuse when he suggests exile in Malaysia. If you go there I will never see you again. I am so happy our dream to be together is about to come true.

The only man who ever loved you,
Loose Canon.

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