Hello dear.
You must be trembling reading this letter.
I know it is totally unexpected.
But I hope it comes as a pleasant surprise to you. Make sure you read the letter alone. And, please, hide it as soon as you have read it. I wanted to suggest you destroy it. But that is not very romantic. Letters that come from the heart must be kept. But make sure nobody comes across it, least of all Old Man. If Old Man were to see the letter, I shudder to think what would happen to you.
Actually I have been meaning to write to you for some time. But I was worried because they probably read your mail before handing it to you. I just don?t trust those people at State House. I took this chance when I heard that Old Man had been summoned to Tanzania by his fellow leaders in the sub region. I trust you got this letter before his return from that useless meeting. Dear, I know you are unhappy. Like millions of other Zimbabweans, you are miserable and dejected. I am sure you recall your wedding to Old Man during those good old days. The country was the envy of everyone on the continent. People from my country sent their children to school there. It was said the standards of education were very high. I certainly believed it. I mean, everyone in your country speaks good English. For me English is the language of choice. I don?t care for people who boast about proficiency in tribal languages. Those won?t get them anywhere. Zimbabwe was also able to feed herself.
Right now, the people are starving. The country had everything going for it. That is why, age gap notwithstanding, no one complained when Old Man unveiled you as his wife. I must say it was a posh wedding. Do you remember how Harare was graced by presidents and kings and queens from all over the world? Everyone loved Old Man. Of course, some of them were there to witness with their own two eyes your stunning beauty. They just could not believe someone could be so pretty. It was, indeed, some wedding. Dining on caviar, the elites almost drowned in champagne. The common people also had a good time. So many cows had been slaughtered. The traditional brew flowed and the villagers danced like never before. I say it was a wonderful time. Everyone loved Old Man. But now, like everyone else, you are wondering what happened between that time and now. Well, in short, Old Man messed up the country. I am sorry, my dear, nowadays very few people like Old Man.
Almost everyone wants him out of power. Many are angry at what he has done to that beautiful country. They want him in jail. In fact, ever since the Americans hanged Saddam, some people cannot wait to see Old Man swinging from the gallows. Zimbabwe is in a terrible state and I understand why you are depressed. I know you are afraid of him and cannot tell him to mend his ways. Some nasty people say he wants to retire but you won?t accept it. I don?t believe those gossipers. I know that at the beginning, you loved the good life at State House. I know how you enjoyed your shopping trips to Harrods in London. You certainly enjoyed flying with Old Man to all those summits. You had no match because you were the prettiest of all the First Ladies. I actually thought it was unfair for you to be photographed in a group with those frumpy old women passing for First Ladies. But the magic is now gone. With the sanctions, you can hardly fly anywhere. I know you no longer love Old Man. You are not alone. So many other people don?t love Old Man. Dear, I am really worried about you.
You are smart enough to realise that his days in power are numbered. There is no way he will be able to hold out forever. It has never happened. It will not happen with Old Man. Very soon he will be out. No one knows his fate. But I can assure you that he will either be in jail or swinging from a noose. If he is hanged, he will only have himself to blame. He insults and abuses George Bush with gay abandon (pun intended). Well, very soon, he will know what that means. Like I said, I am worried sick about you. As soon as Old Man is out of power, I want you to come and live with me. Be that as it may, I don?t think your kids will like me. They seem like nice kids but I don?t want to take any chances. I would suggest that they be sent to stay with their grandparents. I know they are used to a life of luxury. But life is tough. If their dad is not in power, they will have to get used to staying in the village. I know that the competition for you is stiff. There are many presidents in the world who can?t wait for Old Man to go in order to take you. I am not a president. I don?t have a lot of money. But look where being married to a president with lots of money got you. Power and money can?t buy love. So be careful of all the presidents and rich men who claim to love you. In the meantime, you must make a plan. I suggest you organise yourself quietly because anytime now Old Man will be out of power.
Don?t ask any of your ladies in waiting to pack for you. I don?t trust them. They are probably related to Old Man. Just get yourself ready to leave at a moment?s notice. I cannot reveal how you and I will meet up lest this letter is intercepted. But I will find a way of sending precise instructions on what to do the moment Old Man is dragged off to jail, kicking and screaming. I look forward to the departure of Old Man. I cannot wait for us to be together. Although you are miserable, that smile still drives me crazy. Dear, I hope you still have that photograph I sent you the other day. I have not changed one bit. In fact I look even better!
Affectionately yours,
Your one and only,
Loose Canon.
PS: Make sure you hide the letter.
