As I sat glued to the television watching the elections down south, the idea of setting up my own party became more attractive. For someone who has always kept a safe distance from politics and politicians, I was converted. I want to be one of them.
Like I said before, I am certainly not going to join any of the existing outfits. I don’t want to be led by anyone. I want to be the leader. In my own party.
On television, they were interviewing all the leaders of the political parties contesting the elections. I learn that some of those parties performed disastrously. But hey, so what, at least their leaders enjoyed their fifteen minutes of fame on national television.
I always thought politics was difficult. I must now say I have never seen such an easy pursuit.
One does not need any special skills or even education to make it big in the game. In fact, the more educated you are the less the chances of making it. I think politicians have a silent code that says the educated must be kept out of the game.
I mean, take the man who will be in charge of next door as from next week.
Apparently he never set foot in a classroom. His greatest skill is belting out a particularly frightful song about his machine gun. The people absolutely love him for that. He is also famed for his posse of wives.
Now, if a man whose only skill is singing and possessing many wives can become big boss of such a big country, why can’t I at least become boss of my own political party? There is no turning back on the dream of owning a political party. I have already decided on my image.
I won’t be wearing those flowing West African robes favoured by elderly statesmen of yesteryear. I have settled for a bespoke suit. I will be wearing nice suits at all my public appearances. It is crucial to line the pocket of my jacket with a row of pens so that whenever the masses say something I can quickly jot it down. I wonder if I should stick a pencil behind my ear like they used to do in the olden days. I will have to think hard about that one. As for my headgear, I have finally settled for the leopard skin hat and the fly whisk.
As you know, I had originally dismissed such accoutrements. But image is important. When I am touring the villages the elderly folk will treat me seriously when they see the fly whisk. Because they associate the whisk with cattle it will occur to them that not only do I have lots of the beasts, but I will take care of their cattle.
The leopard skin hat is meant to create awe and I must say a bit of fear. My opponents will whisper that the leopard skin hat has been treated by the most lethal medicine men. I will get my party activists to spread the rumour that the leopard skin hat is so heavy only I can lift it. This will leave my rivals quaking in fear at my strong charms. It would be a good idea to acquire my own aeroplane so that I can fly to rallies. That, though will only happen when the party has collected enough money from its supporters.
The only problem is that I am scared of flying. But I will have to get used to it. Perhaps I might even learn how to fly. That will bring in the votes, I can bet you.
Political parties cannot be about image only. I will have to get some scholars to compile my manifesto. That is where those book worms come in. The ideas will be mine but the scholars will have to arrange them neatly.
As already promised, the manifesto will allow women a lot of freedom in terms of how they should dress at work. My party will emphasise the need for women to show more cleavage and skin. There will be monthly prizes in every government department for women who wear the most revealing outfits.
Tourists will flock into the country when they hear about the policy. They will want to visit every government office to check out the scantily clad women. In that way, we will create more jobs because the hotels will be full. Fashion designers will also be busy with orders for the most revealing outfits.
Yes, we are going to come up with the most exciting manifesto.
One of my new policy measures will solve the problem many men have with finding out the phone numbers of women they admire. So a new traffic law will be introduced.
You are aware that currently every taxi has to have the particulars and details of the owner inscribed on the side. That means the name, address and phone number of the owner. The idea is that if the drivers misbehave passengers can always report their details to the authorities. It is a smart idea.
Well my party is going to improve on the policy. Each and every vehicle on the road will have to have the details of the owner inscribed on the side. Just like the taxis.
The idea is that when a bloke waiting at the traffic lights sports a pretty female driver, all he has to do is look at the fender of her car and quickly get her name and phone number. This policy will generate so many votes my new party will canter to victory. All the men will vote for me because I would have made the tough business of chasing women so much easier for them.
The elections are a few months away. Already I have made much headway in terms of image and policies. More will be revealed as the elections draw nearer. But for now, my two policies on getting women to show more cleavage and having their names and phone numbers on their cars seem very popular.
I never thought politics could be so easy!