I never in my life imagined being a politician.
I mean most of us agree that they are a pretty unsavoury bunch, politicians. If they are not lying to us, they are abusing one another. If they are not sleeping on the job, they are busy lining their pockets with our hard earned taxes.
In my younger days, I believed that politics was a license to loot. If you look back in history, some of the biggest looters of state coffers were politicians. Perhaps I am a bit hard on the esteemed men and women who are so concerned about our welfare. I admit it would be unfair to tar them with one brush. But it is the fault of the good ones that they have never called their dubious counterparts to order.
Anyway, later on, I realized there are many reasons why people go into politics. For some, looting is a given. But there are others who simply want the power to tell us what to do and how to do it. History is replete with this kind of politician and until the end of history; the societies we live in will continue breeding them.
Then there are the nice politicians who join the trade because they are well intentioned and think they can change the world. Most often they fail and end up dejected. In the nastier countries, the worst that can happen to them is ridicule and an occasional beating. But in the very rough neighbourhoods of the world, the nice ones end up shot.
Only one in a million nice politicians gets to accomplish all they set out to do within their lifetime. Think Mandela. After him you struggle to find somebody of his ilk. The rest are merely average good men and women who gave it their best shot.
After them is the rogues’ gallery of looters and dictators. They tend to be in the majority. That is why I stayed away from politics. Being the good bloke I am, I abhor any form of looting. Neither do I want to be nasty to other people. Certainly, I don’t want to kill anyone. So, for all this time, I have stayed away from politics.
But now I have had a rethink. I read somewhere that most nice politicians don’t go out of their way to join the trade. Rather, they act out of inspiration and are motivated by a desire to do good things for their fellow citizens.
Last night, I got just that inspiration.
I have decided to join politics and be a good and nice politician. However, I am not joining anyone’s party. I am forming my own. I don’t know how my mates will react to my inspiration. They know that because of the reasons I just cited, me and politics keep a safe distance from each other.
As for the madam I am sure she will feign indignation. But deep down she will be happy because ever since Michelle Obama hit the scene, my madam reads everything written about that woman. I suspect she fancies herself in that role if I eventually become president.
The other reason I am going into politics is because if a nightclub deejay can become president, what stops me, a man who has spent a long time in school reading heavy books to do likewise?
So, folks I am taking the plunge. By the time the elections take place towards the end of the year, my party will be up there with the rest of them. I am told that every party has a choir whose role is to sing the praises of the leader. I look forward to that. I wonder how many songs they will sing about me.
The only thing I don’t like is holding and kissing strange, and ugly babies with snot running down their noses. If kissing filthy babies can deliver me the presidency, I guess I will have to do it.
I haven’t decided on the colours of my party. But that will be done soon in time to register for the elections.
Obviously, during the campaign trail, I have to look the part. I need to brand myself. Should I go for the leopard skin hat? Or opt for a walking cane of exotic design and plant a rumour that the cane has been treated by lethal medicine men who live beneath the ocean? Should I get myself a fly whisk, just like the old geezers who ran down this continent? I suppose my aides will have to advise me on the best image to project to the masses.
But, of course, I will need a manifesto. Having set up my party, complete with choirs that will be singing praise songs in my honour and having settled on a fly whisk or leopard skin hat, I will need a manifesto.
The reason most politicians fail is because they speak way above the heads of the ordinary people. Not me. I am going to keep my politics simple and straight to the point. At the end of the day I want votes and lots of them.
Just to give my followers a sneak preview of my manifesto, my first issue is the new dress code for civil servants. My party and its leader oppose the dress code. We will be calling upon all the women who work in government offices to vote for us in the forthcoming election so we can get rid of the dress code. Our party believes that the beautiful women of this country must show their curves in skin tight pants. My party wants more cleavage so that the women feel good and the male clients enjoy going to government offices.
Our party is concerned about unemployment. Now if we restrict hairstyles what will happen to all those hair salons out there? If voted into office, we will allow any hair style so long as it doesn’t get entangled in the computer cables. Not only will I sweep the female vote, I am determined to sweep the male vote as well. All those women affected by the dress code have husbands, partners and sugar daddies who spend money on those gorgeous wardrobes. I can tell you those blokes will be happy to vote for my party because it allows their wives, mistresses and nice young things to dress anyhow they like.
Which man wants to buy expensive underwear for his woman and she is not allowed to flash it in the office? Why must blokes pay for gym when their women are not permitted to wear stomach revealing outfits?
Heck, my party will encourage female civil servants to display the tattoos on their exposed shoulders and navels.
This is just the beginning but at this the female vote is in the bag.
And, hey, you female civil servants tell the men who pay for your wardrobes that there is a new party in town!
