Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Power vs Pleasure: Are ‘successful’ women sexy or intimidating?

She struts across the office complex in her high heels and tight pant suit showing off her well-toned curvaceous body. As she passes by, she not only leaves behind her lingering smell of exotic perfume but also an air of confidence and power.

She’s not just anybody. She’s an attractive woman who is comfortable in her skin. Everything about her screams, ‘I am Ms high and mighty’. She looks like she gets everything she wants in life and is never willing to compromise on quality.

Not surprisingly, many men would do anything to get into her knickers because she comes across as someone who knows what she wants, and can be a demon in the sack that leaves her lovers pulsating on the verge of unconsciousness with sexual pleasure. Does a woman’s power in the workplace translate to finesse in the bedroom, and why do many men fall head over heels over themselves for the powerful one who commands attention and can lead a pack of wolves, in this case, employees?

According to clinical sexologist Elna McIntosh, men generally like to be in touch during sex because they use sexual intercourse as a chance to shine and show their power. “But although many men may want a woman who shows initiative, seeing her dominating and playing the lead role can put them off during sex,” she says.

She encourages that for both partners to find pleasure and be satisfied in bed they should try and find balance despite the challenge of gender role and sexual norms.

Thabiso Seitshiro* is a 38-year-old technician who describes himself as ‘a dog that has been around the block’.

According to him, women who hold high positions at work tend to be sexually appeasing.
“When a woman is confident and influential, you begin to wonder what else she can do,” he says with a twinkle.

He recounts a past affair he had with an unmarried woman in her 40s. “She was my work supervisor. I was surprised when she one day invited me for a drink. We got acquintaned and one thing led to another. The sex was great; she was clean and experienced. She called me ‘stallion’ as apparently I had lots of energy. But after sex she would jump out of bed and soon she would be sitting with her laptop. I wondered if I bored her. I wanted a woman who would ask to cuddle. She was cold. In retrospect, we discussed work a lot. The actual sexual act was great, but the surrounding mood was usually too serious and somber.”

His experiences are slightly different from Kago Moilwa’s. The 29-year-old banker prefers older successful women in his bed.

“They know what they want and aren’t soppy but often realistic and mature. I hate the mind games that younger women play. It’s refreshing to meet a woman who knows what she wants and communicates it. At this point I’m not looking for a serious relationship; so the so-called successful women do it for me. We may have pressing career demands but that doesn’t mean that the nights don’t get lonely. I have a friend with benefits and we are OK with the situation. She drives so there’s no need for me to be going up and down. I visit or she comes over, we pop a bottle, eat something and then we’re set. No hassle or drama. I am enjoying it while it lasts and boy is it great!”

However, both men agree that with so-called powerful women, there’s always that chance of a man’s self esteem crashing when she seems to know more than he does. As Seitshiro explains, “I once dated a lady in her mid-30s who was a high flier of note. I heard she kept several lovers but went for the kill anyways. Being with her was satisfying. I couldn’t resist her. However, I often doubted myself and wondered if I was good enough for her. My ego would get shaken especially when she told me firmly what I should do or did something new. I just thought: Gosh, where did she learn that? To add salt to injury, I was aware that she had a bigger pay cheque, her own house and well, she drove a better car. Over time my self-esteem was threatened. I disappeared from her life. She never bothered to call me either. Soon thereafter I saw her with another young man hanging from her arms. It confirmed my fears and suspicions,” he explains.

As tough as men act sometimes, their egos can be delicate.

As Seitshiro continues: “We may want that initiative nature for the experience but submissiveness is attractive long-term because sex can be a tool to fall back on when there’s no other outlet for expression of power.”

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