Thursday, July 16, 2020

Roy!

Today, there is only one main man in the entire world. Love him or loathe him Roy Sesana is the biggest piece of news this week. A crafty old chap he is our Roy. So, on completion of the long court case between his people and the government I took a long, hard look at Roy. Public opinion in this country is that you either love him or hate him.

Well as a pacifist I don’t do hate. Therefore, I have decided to love Roy. In fact, I envy Roy. In the television images beamed from the courtroom, he was the epitome of cool. Wearing his tiny antelope horns, beads and a home made leather jacket, he looked just the part. Just to show his sense of style, he made sure he wore a neat shirt with a tie. Completing the picture of a persecuted wise man that is always deep in thought, he wore spectacles. In addition, of course, outside the court and right in front of the world media, he languidly drew on a cigarette. In the midst of all the cameras, he looked relaxed. Watching him, I got the impression of an old hand accustomed to dealing with the media.

I like Roy because he does not give a damn. I mean, how many people would puff away on a cigarette when fielding questions from the international press? Of all the people, you see on television, how many ever do that? Absolutely none. But I also love Roy because he is a hustler. He doesn’t miss a good opportunity when he sees one. Roy can smell money and fame from afar. I am envious of Roy because at the rate things are going he will be swimming in millions. I predict that very soon Roy will be a huge industry. You see, the rich world likes a victim. It loves the underdog who gives the middle finger to the big boys. Roy knows exactly that. Let’s consider a few things. I don’t think Roy has any intention of going back to live in the inhospitable and thirsty desert. No chance. Roy treasures his creature comforts. For a man who jets around the globe and is put up in five star hotels by fawning admirers, he is not going back to that god forsaken place. The desert will only see him when he takes some paying tourists on a conducted tour. If you think sometime soon you will see Roy in animal skin loincloth hunting wild game with his bow and arrow, you need a reality check. If you think Roy will be dancing around a camp fire to the rhythmic clapping of women, you are day dreaming. Roy has hit the big time. He will be spending his time overseas. But Roy won’t be just globetrotting. He will be generating millions. Roy will be a fixture on the lecture circuit speaking about indigenous rights to audiences of guilt ridden westerners. At the end of his presentations, they will sob and write out big cheques. I like smart people who have a nose for money. And Roy is smart. When he delivers his lectures, he will do it in his mother tongue. I am sure Roy speaks English. I mean Roy spends so much time with white people his proficiency must now be at level of Shakespeare. If I can speak English and yet seldom meet white people, there is no way Roy can be said not to speak the language.

But being the smooth operator he is, Roy knows that he must appear authentic to his audiences. To do that, he will mesmerize them with the click sounds of his language. By the time he is through, they will be weeping even more as they dish out more cheques. And cool as a cucumber, his beloved cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, Roy will be making calculations of how many millions he has made from the na├»ve sentimentalists. It won’t stop there. Because lots of indigenous minorities are now planning to take their governments to court, Roy will be engaged by them as a consultant. Roy will be so big the Americans will come knocking. First will be the black rap stars. They will give him high fives and call him nigger. They will feature him on their records as they rail against the system. They will tout him as the man who fought against an evil system for the rights of his people; and won. He will deliver some rap lines in his language and every nigger in the Bronx will be trying to master the clicks. Not a man to lose sight of an opportunity, he will open click language schools overseas and the money will keep rolling in. Hollywood won’t be far behind. Producers will shoot a factual drama on the trials and tribulations of Roy and his people. They will do documentaries on his life story. Heck, some script writer will even conjure a soapie starring Roy himself. And in all the movies, he will be smoking his beloved cigarette. There is no end to the Roy industry.

Sharp entrepreneurs will buy rights to mass produce the tiny antelope horns he wears on his forehead. Together with replicas of the beads on his wrist, they will be sold to hippies and indigenous activists all over the world. Roy’s leather jacket is home made. It is destined to be a fashion item. A lot of money will naturally come from the cigarettes. The tobacco companies will be fighting one another for Roy to endorse their brands. Roy will appear on billboards and in magazines puffing away. In between, Roy will be a common sight on the likes of BBC and CNN. Roy looks somewhat Arabic and I’m sure he will feature on Al Jazeera. The world won’t get enough of him.

Chances are Roy will be the prestigious Time magazine Man of the Year. They will have to pay him for appearing on the cover, complete with his cigarette and antelope horns. Having won Man of the Year, it will be a short jog to winning the biggest prize of all. If you recall, sometime last year Roy won the alternative Nobel Peace Prize. It’s a mickey mouse award. Now he is a strong contender for the real Nobel Peace Prize. Roy will wine and dine with kings and queens the world over. Roy will be so busy he will have to get his own jet. I recall that one of the things said in court was that Roy has two wives. Well, Roy has hit the big time. He will keep his two wives but tell them he might get more. And then one day Roy will shock people. He will shock the world. The day is not far off when Roy, wearing his antelope horns, sporting his leather jacket and puffing away on his cigarette, will alight from his new jet with a white woman draped over his arm!

* This piece was first published on 15 December 2006. We reprint it due to popular demand by our readers.

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Sunday Standard July 12 – 18

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of July 12 - 18, 2020.