Thursday, April 9, 2020

Thank you, Old Man!

Perhaps one of the best things to have ever happened to this country was the crisis in Zimbabwe. True, what is taking place there is a great tragedy. But even in the face of adversity, there will be those who benefit. As they say, there is always a silver lining to every dark cloud. Today, I simply want to say that in spite of all the problems in that country, a lot of our citizens have indeed reaped where they have not sown. Take cheap labour. There is so much of it that if one wants their garden done, they don’t even have to advertise and struggle to find a gardener. A look down the street will find them a Zimbo willing to work.

The more exploitative of the locals don’t even bother to pay them. Because chances are the poor Zimbo would have gone for days without a morsel of food, they just feed them and that is it. And here I don’t mean a sumptuous meal. It is usually a simple meal of bread and soup. It really is a sad state of affairs. But what can the hungry Zimbo do?

If they do not take up the offer of food in exchange for back breaking work, they will have to resort to criminality. But we all know what it means for those unfortunate enough to get caught in the act. Usually gangs of blood thirsty citizens descend on them in a free for all that sometimes ends in loss of life. I suppose the only Zimbos who dare risk mob violence are the lion hearted types. These are tough types who have no problem with house breaking, rape and murder. They are not any different from local burglars, rapists and murderers. But for some reason it seems people prefer to be robbed, raped and killed by their fellow citizens.

The more docile Zimbos who are just here because they are hungry would rather eat bread and soup. If it’s a more considerate employer, they can even have bread and a tin of pilchards on top of a derisory wage. A lot of Zimbos are educated. Not only that. They also speak proper English. But because of their circumstances, some of the educated lot end up working at the cattle posts. I mean imagine an illiterate local cattle owner who cannot speak English employing a Zimbo who is more educated than him? Well, it happens in this country. But then I know a lot of Zimbos who hold very nice jobs. They are doctors, architects and other professional cadres. They are sad at what is happening to their country, men and women. I am sure they shed a tear when they look at what their compatriots have been reduced to. As for Zimbo women they tend to drift from house to house performing chores for a pittance. They cook, tend the children and do the laundry. They will practically do anything if only to eat and secure a roof over their heads.

Like their counterparts, the women tend to have spent some time in school. They can converse in English and know how to read recipes. They are very useful. Talking of useful brings me to the silver lining. As we all know no man is ever content with sleeping with one woman. Man is always hunting for some variety. No matter where you go man, will always be on the prowl for something different from the usual fare at home. The idiots tend to get caught. But the really smart ones are never found out. The idiots get found out because they want to fall in love with the second woman. Big mistake!

Falling in love means silly mistakes such as text messages not being deleted and always looking happy when one should be miserable because of life at home. Falling in love means getting caught because of stupid things like sending roses and riding in the car with the second woman. The real smart guys I admire have found a way out of the problem. They don’t fall in love. They just pay for sex and go home. They are home on time and no condoms are ever found in the pockets of their suits. The whole explanation can be traced to Zimbo women. They provide a much needed service which local women cannot match. There was a time when local women were very arrogant and behaved as if they were God’s gift to this earth. Those days are long past. And all thanks to Zimbo women. The arrogant local women have either had to conform to standard practise or stay at home, hungry. The favour Zimbo women did to chaps was to reduce the going rate for paid sex. There are unbelievable stories of astronomical charges that chaps used to pay for local prostitutes.

As if that was not enough and because in this country everyone knows everyone, if a chap refused to pay the exorbitant charge a threat would deliver quick payment. I mean who would not pay up when addressed by their surname, told where their wife worked and which village she came from? I mean a local prostitute could even tell you she was neighbours with your uncle. Clearly, to avoid trouble chaps just had to pay the ridiculous amounts. As I say that is the problem coming from a country where everyone knows everyone. But with the arrival of Zimbo women life has never been so blissful. Local women are licking their wounds somewhere.

The Zimbo women have run them out of business. Local women are out of work because they refused to match the market rate. And I can tell you the market rate brings a smile to every man’s face. The last time I checked the market rate was P5. With more Zimbo women coming into a saturated market it is forecast the rate will further plummet. Before the middle of the year it should be P3. And punters who frequent the red light districts are grinning from ear to ear, looking forward to the day, before year end, when the rate will be P1. Life is good.

Thank you, Old Man!