Sunday, November 27, 2022

The commitment phobia!

In the traditional Setswana culture, a man would tip over his food bowl after eating to signal his readiness for marriage and the elders would happily go in search of his ideal partner.

In the western culture, he would fall on a bended knee and slip a ring on his significant other’s finger.

Popping the ‘big’ question didn’t seem so hard back then for men, who nowadays seemingly drag their feet, take their time, run away (literally) or avoid the topic of commitment totally!

Nowadays, a lot of women wait aimlessly for years either being ‘single-and-searching-for-a-husband’ or in relationships waiting for him to pop the big question.

After chains of relationships, she still hasn’t found ‘the one’. Or after 10 years, four kids, a house and a car, she still doesn’t get a simple ‘big question’? And then she decides to make it easy for him by deliberately leaving magazine cut out’s of wedding cakes and dresses on the bed, because maybe he forgot?

Could it be that men today have been hit by the commitment phobia plague?

It is quite apparent that these modern times with all its diversity of advancements has wrought new technologies, information dissemination streams, lifestyles and cultures, which ultimately affect men and women alike, providing a vastness of options that were never made available decades before. The dreaded “C-word” has never been quite an apprehension for men as it appears today.
These contemporary times have brought about this plague that has seemingly caused men to give claims of, “I’m just not ready” and “I’ve been hurt” and leaving them fretting about: Finances, Compromise and loss of freedom.

Loss of freedom/Space:

Serious relationships require energy and effort and attention to detail; some men are not ready for the pressure of not doing what they are used to and always having to do something else, be it going for dinner, visiting her family and remembering special moments and events (birthdays, anniversaries). It may seem too overwhelming for some.

Men love their freedom and space, and some feel committing to a relationship is a gateway to losing their freedom and fun of life. They fear losing their freedom to having their phone privacy, to go watch a football game with his friends and grab a drink thereafter; they still want to be scruffy and not have to be squeaky clean all the time; they still want to leave their clothes on the floor and not be told to clean up after themselves. As opposed to the days of old, nowadays men can still have ‘no-strings-attached’ sexual relations which are seemingly more spontaneous and because some men crave sexual variety and the thought of committing to one person seems a jail sentence.
To sum it up, some still want to be boys and not have to grow up to be men, fathers or husbands.

Some men fear commitment because of so called ‘gold diggers’ who might do so intentionally or otherwise, and this might prove to be a financial stretch for most men to have to turn into ATMs.
Women are known to write grocery lists, and make budgets; some men don’t like the thought of having a ‘to- do’ list when it comes to his spending on his car, on his clothes or anything else so some men want their financial freedom in that regard.

On a different note: You ask a man, “When are you getting married” he replies “I don’t have money”.
This is because Society has mounted heavy expectations on marriage itself, and it has diverged from the simplicity of a ‘holy matrimony’ to being reduced to a costly wedding ceremony that has to be done at the Bride and Grooms place, combined with other expenses coupled with a Bride’s price that seems to swell with the years.

Some men have developed a commitment phobia because of fretting about society’s high expectations. Most men either never marry or resort to cohabitation because it offers more financial freedom.

Ideally, commitment implies compromise between two people, which is not always the case because a lot of men have been fueled with the claims/ or false-truths that the minute you marry a woman, she takes over everything! They fear being told what to do, hence they shy away from commitment. Marriage is like a partnership and I believe everyone has something to give and to offer, the duo have to sort out their differences and meet each other halfway because the minute lack of comprise looms before the conception of a commitment, then there is already shaky foundation of marriage.
Just Not ready:

Nowadays, there are fewer societal pressures to commit. People can still have children with no legal contract and society won’t reprimand those who still want to go to school and find better jobs, or get their careers off the ground. Some want to do so much for themselves before they commit because they fear committing first would be a limitation in every regard, so they avoid having to worry about societal, monetary, physical, emotional obligations or bindings.

Some men are just not ready to trust again because they’ve been hurt or ended up with the wrong kind; some men are just not ready and still want to weigh their options. They are just not ready because they just don’t want to commit at all, not because of commitment phobia or any other fear, but just because they don’t want to commit.


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