Saturday, May 28, 2022

Tips for blokes on the brink of divorce!

This recession is bad. I always thought only people in faraway places would be the most affected.
I mean in developed countries when you lose your job you can’t just pitch up at your aunt’s place and stay until things look up.
There they cannot return to the village either.

It is remarkable how many of us spend all our time trying to escape the village only to return when things go bad in the big city. It would seem for as long as there are problems in this world, the village will always be there if only to be the last sanctuary of those rejected by the city.

In saying this I admit that there could be many locals very much affected by the recession. They lost their jobs. In the process, they could not keep their Japanese models.

With the repossession of the car went the partner. The disappearance of the woman brought shame. There are many blokes in this category. The only reason we don’t see them in town is because they are hibernating in the village.

Those who study the behavior of money tell us this recession is far from over. I don’t know whether to believe them or not. If they are so smart, they could long have foretold the recession.
Now they all seem smarter after the event. But anyway they could be right this time around. When they say it ain’t over yet, it probably ain’t over yet. So we must prepare for an exodus to the village.

That said, this recession thing has brought into sharp focus something humanity has lived with since time begun. We hear there was a time when the only two people on this earth shared a delicious apple and discovered that life could be more exciting. They then resolved that instead of spending all their naked time staring at each other, they could as well get married.

That is how marriage came about. The first marital tiff occurred between our lovely couple who shared that delicious apple. Since then, there has always been a tacit understanding that marriage comes with its problems.

But lately, with this recession, the problems are more pronounced. It would seem the divorce rate has shot up. Couples are finding it difficult to live with each other in the absence of enough money. The only couples who stick together in this difficult time are those who met when they were really poor and worked hard to improve their lot. On the other hand, the couples frequenting the divorce courts hitched up when things were rosy, and they are now unable to cope with the reversal of fortunes.

It is all so simple. It does not need a genius to figure it out. Those who started from the bottom can only go down, from whence they came, hence familiarity.

Those who started at the top can only go down to a life they are unaccustomed to, hence the divorce. The couple in the latter category opt for divorce because one of them, invariably the female half, wants to maintain her lifestyle by going in search of a new partner who has not fallen on hard times.

I am not being chauvinistic. But this recession has seen a lot more female instigated divorces. Perhaps it is not such a bad idea that the female folk are taking the lead. After all, they have to worry about the school fees, clothing, food and so on for the kids. I mean most of the people who fled back to the village when the tough times came are male.

The maternal instinct of the female is to look out for herself and her children.
But being male I cannot let down the side.

If I don’t dispense advice to my tribe, they might not have any sympathy for me when I am in trouble. So my position is that if blokes don’t open their eyes to what is happening, many more of them will join the exodus back to the village with absolutely nothing to show for their years in town.

You see, your wives are out to grab everything from the marriage, whose collapse they themselves instigated. Just like those two characters who shared the apple all those years ago, when a couple gets married, they often forget there will be a time of strife. They enter into all sorts of funny agreements because they bought the fraudulent mantra that they will be parted only by death.
If there was ever a slick con job in the whole history of marriage, it is the line delivered before invited guests that the folks going into holy matrimony will be parted only by death. The whole scam is then sealed with a kiss, again to cheering from the wedding guests.

The idea is for the bloke to believe the fiction and sign over everything to the wife should he die first. But for many before death, there is divorce.

Let it be said that all the married chaps I know willingly walked themselves to the gallows. Therefore, they have no one to blame. However with the recession upon us, many of them will be appearing before the divorce court accused of doing the very things they did from day one of the marriage, with adoring approval.
Because of the recession they will have to answer to the judge why they spend lots of time drinking beer and watching football. They will have to explain why they visit their mothers so often.

They will be horrified to hear that it is their role to change nappies and attend school meetings. They will be shocked to hear that because of all this, the divorce is granted and they will lose their house and car to the wife because the kids need somewhere to live, and have to be ferried to school.

Because of this recession many blokes will leave divorce court destitute and end up in the village. In the meantime, the ex- wife will have found somebody to move into your house.
That same man will be called honey or syrup and other sweet things you last heard in the early days of the marriage. One day you will be shocked to see your car driven by another man, fetching your own kids from school.

My simple tip to my married friends is straightforward. From now onwards, watch and listen carefully what your wife says. Monitor her movements to find out if she is friends with any divorced women. Check if she knows any lawyers around.

At the slightest hint of trouble, strike quickly. Don’t panic. Act all sweet and tell her you think the family needs a new car and a bigger house. Convince her to agree to sell the car. Make sure the money goes to your own account because that is the only way the bank will release the loan for the new car.

As for the house, show her the new architectural plan and tell her you have already paid the contractors to demolish a part of the house. In the meantime the family will reside in only two rooms. Immediately get the nice section of the house demolished. Then relax!


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