Football fever is upon us again. Starting this week, our eyes will be glued to the television as the game of billions takes centre stage in Ghana to find the best team on the continent.
The local team has bombed out. Quite contrary to the conviction of its boisterous supporters, the chaps are just not good enough. They will never qualify for anything, let alone win any international competition. With their poor results, they are in good company. No single sport is as popular as football. But of all the countries that play football only a few, mainly in Europe and Latin America, are good enough to win anything. The vast majority just play for the love of it. They dream of making it big by playing in the World Cup, but their dreams remain just dreams. Teams not good enough for the World Cup aim to play in their continental championship. But even at that level, only a few can make it.
The rest just have to watch on television. This is the category we fit in. We will never be good enough to play in the World Cup. In all fairness it’s not our fault. Life has dealt us a losing hand. No country with our population on this continent can qualify for the World Cup. No chance. The hooligans who masquerade as supporters can shout themselves hoarse when the local team plays. But they will never ever see their team playing at the World Cup. Perhaps one day, with a lot of luck we will qualify for the continental championship. But even then, I am not prepared to place any bets. When the team plays, I watch them though, either at the stadium or on the box. However, I watch to satisfy my curiosity about mankind. I watch in order to understand how people can get so emotional about a team that, quite frankly, is mediocre. We will never qualify for any major tournament. No amount of wishful thinking can transform our fortunes. Given such grim circumstances, I think we have to expend our resources in areas where we are competitive. Take booze for instance. We can field a good team for the world beer drinking championship.
There is so much talent in this country it is just amazing. I mean I have friends who can joyfully drink for their country anytime. I know blokes who can bring the trophy home. They don’t even have to go into camp and practise for days on end. Unlike the footballers, they won’t threaten not to drink because they were not paid. With booze available they will represent their country. The selectors simply have to go to the nearest pub and they will find a team ready and willing. We also excel in eating meat. On this, the selectors can go to a funeral or wedding, and there they will unearth a lot of talent that can devour beef for our country at the world meat eating championship. But even if we never qualify for anything, football offers other, more lucrative opportunities. As a country, we must exploit such opportunities. I am reminded of this on the eve of the games in Ghana. Apparently that country is expecting up to a million visitors to come and watch the games. I think the figure is exaggerated. Africa is not Europe. This continent is poor. How many people have the money to waste on travelling to watch football when they cannot even afford a pair of Chinese made shoes? That though does not detract from the fact that there will be a good number of visitors in Ghana.
The authorities in that country have apparently set aside five million condoms because of all the bonking that will take place. This is because also making the trip to Ghana are many prostitutes who are going to cash in on the tournament. I admire the girls already reported to have arrived in Ghana. I admire those who are borrowing money and hitchhiking to get to Ghana.
You see, I admire prostitutes because they never bought into the myth that sex should be free. As I have said before, the greatest fraud ever perpetrated on women by men was to convince them that in the name of love they should give away, for free, the most precious thing they have. So many women are complicit in this fraud to the extent that they are at the forefront of condemning their sisters who earn a living by selling the only thing of value they possess. I wish more women could behave like prostitutes. In fact I think many men dread the day all women experience a revelation and decide that sex is not free. With all the sisters going to Ghana to earn some American dollars I am dismayed that, yet again, our girls are lagging behind. They are sitting here waiting to be bought drinks. They are sitting here, smiling and acting all coy when some fraudster lies about how much he loves them. It is time our women went out to make money at international football tournaments. Let’s look at it this way. In two years time, the World Cup will be coming to Big Brother next door. We won’t qualify.
No chance. But because thousands of tourists are expected to attend the games, there is lots of money to be made. What more, most of the guys coming for the 2010 World Cup will be white, and laden with serious hard currency. I want to see our girls making money. Take the university students who are walking the streets jobless. Some of the most beautiful women on the continent are from this country, including many university students. They must wake up and earn a living. I suggest they get ready for 2010 by practising their skills. The only place that offers an opportunity for such practise is Ghana. I am thinking of opening up an agency to recruit women who wish to go to Ghana to earn some American dollars. After Ghana, the girls will remain in my books in preparation for the 2010 World Cup.
In between, I might fly them over to the Olympic Games in Beijing, in August this year, for more practise. So girls, although our football team will never qualify for anything, there is money to be made out of football. I am opening an agency to recruit pretty girls who don’t buy into the myth of love. So c’mon girls I am taking you to Ghana and later to 2010 to earn money. All those interested please call me!