Monday, September 21, 2020

A welcome speech to 1st year female university students!

Young ladies, welcome to the big city. And welcome to university life. It is so good to have you here. I know the Vice Chancellor has already welcomed you. That is fine. But I am sure you slept throughout his speech. If it was a circular you probably did not finish reading it. Yep, that is how dreary the whole thing is. I, therefore, take this opportunity to welcome you for the commencement of your studies at the university. I know you feel intimidated. Never have you seen so many cars in your lives. Never have you seen such tall buildings. And you have never seen so many people. That is all part of your new lives.

Your lives have changed forever. The first few weeks are naturally difficult. You miss your friends and your parents. You think of home because there you knew how to find your way around.

Considering that you are seventeen years old, you are still young and it is logical if you miss home. Before leaving home, your parents sat you down and advised you how to behave at university. You were told not to embarrass the family. You were told to be polite and well behaved at all times. You were also warned about the dangers of drinking alcohol. All this was sound advice. But the only problem is that your parents have never set foot in a university. Granted, there are a few parents who boast of a university degree. But university today is different from the time when your parents studied here. For instance, there were no computers back then. There was no internet.

Clearly they would not know what is going on nowadays. Now, as soon as you are able to find your way around the university, settle down and enjoy yourselves. Initially, you will think your studies are difficult. Just relax. The lecturers want to impress you with their big English. What they say does not amount to much. In any case very soon the lecturers will be missing more lessons than they attend. They are too busy doing work that is totally unrelated to what they are paid for. If you are sharp enough you won’t even have to study hard for your tests. Through a bit of skill and ingenuity you will be able to smuggle answers into the exam room. In other words, no one flunks at university unless they want to. You will also encounter young male lecturers who take a liking to you. They will promise you good marks in exchange for a relationship. Now don’t go and tell your parents that the lecturer wants to sleep with you.

You are a grown up. In any case, if you get good marks for sleeping with a lecturer that is much better than sleeping with your classmates who are more interested in copying from you. They cannot award you any marks. Here at university you will also discover the joys of drinking and smoking. No one is going to admonish you for drinking or smoking. But more exciting than anything else you would have noticed that by now there are lots of cars prowling the university lanes. This happens mainly in the evenings. You also have noticed that a lot of the drivers have tried to stop you for a chat. During the first few weeks you were terrified and fled from the drivers. Now that is the biggest mistake you will ever make. Remember this is university. Remember you are adults. More importantly, please remember that you are very attractive. The men who have tried to chat you up drive expensive cars. Some of them are married. They too have kids at university. They have nephews at the university. But never mind. These men love you.

They are prepared to do anything for you. If you are sick and tired of cafeteria food, they will make sure they get some Chinese meals or pizza delivered to your rooms. If you need airtime they will buy you a contract cell phone. If you need cash no problem! Most of these men have good jobs and hold important positions. A lot of you have never travelled outside the country. That is why you don’t have passports. Now that you are at university make sure you apply for a passport. Every first year female student must have a passport. There is so much travelling to do. And I don’t mean on student trips. I mean going on holiday at luxury resorts outside the country. You will drive the expensive car as soon as you cross the border. The senior students will gossip about you and say all sorts of nasty things. Never mind them. Just ignore them.

They are jealous because they are now in third and fourth years; and very old. No man with money will look twice at a third or fourth year student. Men with money only have time for first year students and in some cases second year females. In welcoming you to the university, I want you to make the best of your time here. I know that in his welcome remarks the Vice Chancellor omitted to tell you many things. What he did not tell you is the best thing about university life. For a female first year student, the best thing about university life is getting yourself a working man who will be able to afford all the things I have enumerated. So from now on, don’t run away from the men driving nice cars.

Also make sure you go around in groups because the men in cars also have friends with money who want to fall in love with a first year university student. Because you are now seventeen years old and grown up, you should stop believing in fairy tales. I am aware that you and your boyfriends from secondary school vowed to be together for the rest of your lives. Well, things have changed now. Your poor little boyfriends cannot give you all the nice things that working men can. From now on, stop for a chat with any man driving a nice car. Once more again, welcome to the university and enjoy yourselves.
Good Luck!

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Sunday Standard September 20 – 26

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of September 20 - 26, 2020.