Friday, September 25, 2020

Find me an ugly, fat and rich woman!

Reports announcing the end of the recession are premature and exaggerated. For me the situation is the same if not getting worse.

If the recession is coming to an end, then some lucky people know something we don’t. I still am unable to pay my rent. I have skipped so many months the landlord would long have evicted me in the boom days before the economic crunch. My saving grace is that there are no tenants queuing outside his office because no one can afford the rent.

At least for as long as the recession is in full swing I will have a roof over my head. My problem is that I don’t eat well.
As a man accustomed to eating nice food, I now have to make do with ordinary fare. For a man keen on keeping his figure trim and lean, I am now approaching obesity because of all the grease and other junk.

Strangely, ever since gaining weight, my folks in the village admire me so much. They love the sight of a man corpulent and carrying a belly. That is a sign of good health and prosperity, they say.

They are even whispering that if I am so fat then it means I don’t have that dreadful disease with no name.

On the other hand, the recession has been brutal with them. They have been reduced to begging for sugar and salt from the neighbours whose children working in town are better off.

My village relatives are now eating at funerals because of this recession. As we grapple with the situation I have started thinking about the days of old. I am now convinced that if we adopted some practices from the past we would deal with the recession in a much better way.
Get me right.

By evoking the olden days, I don’t mean killing children born as albinos. What I mean is that back then they had social systems which enabled people to survive their version of the recession.

For instance, the poor folks could be farmed out to the rich where they would toil in the fields for some food and rags as payment. It was not nice. It cannot be nice to be a slave but hey, they could at least have a meal.

In particular, I hanker for the olden days when they had arranged marriages. You see, there was a time when people did not marry for love or looks. Back then, couples got married for convenience and practical reasons.
If an ugly man was a hard worker who could feed the entire clan, then he was entitled to marry the prettiest girl in the village.

If an ugly woman came from a family with a history of fertility and high birth rates, then she could get married to the most handsome man in the village in order to produce more labour to till the land.

There was nothing like love. I ask myself this question over and over again. Just who is the fraudster who came up with the notion of love?
My view is that if there was no concept of love then society would be so much better off.

Just like in the good old days, people would enter into marriage for practical reasons. Parents of a boy and a girl who had never set eyes on each other would hook them up and ensure they raise a proper family. No funny questions.

The reason the divorce rate is so high nowadays is because someone got smart and told boys and girls they could get married only if they were in love. That is hogwash.

Anyway, my point is that I don’t believe in love. Admittedly now and then I see somebody who does funny feelings to my heart. I think of the person everyday and want to be with them all the time. Even then I don’t define such a feeling as love.

To me it is just a bad case of hangover from drinking too much the previous night. In other words, it is just a passing sensation just like when you have a headache.

Those in the know say love can be painful. As far as I am concerned they are just imagining things and assume their migraine to be love pangs.

For me personally, I hanker for the good old days. I want an arranged marriage. I want an arranged marriage to a girl who will meet me for the first time when I am introduced to her family. I don’t care if the girl is ugly.

My only interest is for the girl to come from a family with money. What is the use of marrying a pretty girl who comes from a poor family? After all, her looks won’t put food on the table. Her dimples and sultry looks won’t stave off the terrible effects of the recession. Yep, I am at a point where I want a girl from a family that can rescue me from the recession.
I want my parents to hook me up with a girl from a rich family that can’t even spell the word recession.

In this city, I have seen lots of ugly girls purportedly from rich families. They tend to be ugly and fat because when they were kids they were allowed to eat and gorge themselves as much as they liked. They were allowed to fall in love with the fridge.

Now their past has caught up with them. Ugly, fat and rich they are lonely and yearn for love. They spend all their time watching telly, gossiping and reading glossy magazines that depict fairytale marriages between pretty damsel and prince charming.

In real life they can never get that. As a fairly good looking man, I am the answer to the prayers of rich, ugly women. I think the rich and ugly women must take advantage of this recession to snare a chap who knows that life and marriage should be about creature comforts and money.

Because they are too embarrassed to chat up prospective husbands, the ugly women should ask their parents to do it for them.

Just like in the good old days. I have already asked my parents to find for me an ugly, fat and rich girl. If they find her then it’s bye bye to the recession.

I have also told my parents to give a positive response to any wealthy family that wants a nice husband for its fat and ugly daughter. This recession has reminded us what marriage should be all about.
It is not about love or looks. It is about money and comfort!

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