Saturday, September 19, 2020

Let the President drink!

It’s been a long year of heat and hard work. I look forward to my holiday.

Nothing beats a lovely holiday with friends and loved ones. The important thing to remember is not to over indulge. In anything at all.
The thing about indulgence is that we all live to regret it. With over indulgence, we end up paying a price. That is why in every New Year, we come up with resolutions. Resolutions are an outcome of over indulgence. We sit there and regret what we did, especially during the festive season.

Then we resolve never to repeat the same follies. It is as simple as that.
That is why upon recovery we proceed to break our resolutions with joyous abandon. We decide that life is so much easier to live without resolutions. And we lapse back into our old ways. Sticking to a resolution requires iron discipline. Very few of us possess the requisite discipline to carry our resolutions through.
That is why we come up with them every year. I am contemplating some New Year resolutions. I want to change my life in many respects.

But before I outline my new year resolutions, it is only proper that we allow the first citizen of the country to outline his. I think it is only fair that before we, lesser mortals, resolve anything the big lion must spell out his resolutions for us.

The reason is simple.
We don’t want to find ourselves sharing some resolutions with him. That would be so un-African. The leadership must choose first, and then we can follow.
In other words, we must let the big lion make his resolutions. Then we can salvage whatever remains and share it among ourselves. There should be enough resolutions left over for us to share.
Actually, this year I am planning to mail a Merry Xmas card to the big lion. I think he has had a hectic year. What with all the alcoholics baying for his blood because he reduced their drinking hours. Not only that, he hit them where it hurts most by slapping a levy on their pockets. They have been so angry the big lion deserves something to take his mind off issues concerning alcoholics. And coming to think of it, I think the big lion still has time to curry favour with the alcoholics. All it requires on his part is some creativity and he will have the whole lot eating from the palms of his hands.

Okay, they are not too happy about the reduced hours and expensive drinks. But the resourceful lot they are, the alcoholics coping just fine.
In fact, liquor store operators have reported a rise in profits since the levy. I suppose blokes are making sure they drink as much as they can in case booze is banned altogether. Nothing of that sort will happen. The answer lies in the New Year resolutions of the big lion.

In the meantime people must just relax and drink responsibly. Like I say, the big lion has had his ups and downs so far. In the New Year, he must make sure he makes peace with all the people he has offended. He must reach out to them. That is why his New Year resolutions are important.

Without taking anything from him, it is our duty as a nation to express to the big lion what we think his New Year resolutions should be. I have only one suggestion to make to the big lion. He must shock all of us. He must do something which will make him the most popular leader this side of Obama.
I suggest the big lion should take up drink. Yep the man must start drinking.

As you know, there is a New Year message the big lion must deliver to the nation. Well, he can appear on television with a drink at his elbow. At intervals as he delivers the message, he must take a swig from a bottle. Talking to an entire nation is heavy work. A man needs a drink.
I do not believe the story that the big lion does not like alcohol. He has never said that. What he does not like is excessive consumption. Very few like it. So the big lion is just fine and in good company. Drink comes in different types nowadays.

For instance, the local brewery has just introduced alcohol free beer. Apparently, it tastes just like real beer but has no intoxicating effect. The idea is that people who love the taste and smell of beer can indulge without getting drunk. This is a brilliant idea. Superb. We can drink with the kids at home just to get them into practise for the day they hit the big time and take up real beer.
This alcohol free beer is the solution to the problems between the big lion and the alcoholics. He can be shown on television after a strenuous workout at the gym enjoying the alcohol free brand. He can be shown at the controls of his chopper sipping from a can of alcohol free beer. He can be seen receiving international guests and serving them alcohol free beer for refreshment.

The alcoholics will be happy that the big lion does not hate them after all. Everyone will take up the alcohol free beer. Life would be so nice and we would all get on with our business. This is the resolution I want the big lion to make going into the New Year. I have a reason for this.

After a year on the alcohol free beer, the man would realise that beer is harmless. He would then graduate to real beer with alcohol content. The big lion would discover the wonderful feeling alcohol gives to its consumers. He would be so happy at the new feeling. But in the same breath, he would be extremely unhappy with his aides for all the years of not revealing to him the beauty of drink; he would sack the whole lot. They don’t have my sympathy.

They deserve the sack for keeping our man from beer. Having discovered the wonderful taste of beer, our man would apologise to the nation and quickly lift the restrictions on the drinking hours. He would also rescind the levy on alcohol and life would be a big party once more.

For life to be happy once more, let the big lion take up alcohol free beer on New Year’s Day.
All else will follow!

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Sunday Standard September 20 – 26

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of September 20 - 26, 2020.