Monday, September 28, 2020

Letter to our new president!

Sir, it’s so nice to have you as our president. I always knew you would end up leading the nation. I cannot forget your heroics and feats of courage. They would fill a whole book. In fact, I think it’s time they made a movie on your life. It should be a proper movie not like the lousy flick recently shot in this country. The movie should start with that time when you were a young soldier protecting the country from the Rhodesians. Yes, that time when you flew an aeroplane right into the residence of Ian Smith. I think you had grown tired of his bully boy tactics and the fact that his soldiers could just walk into our country as they pleased. Apparently, you grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and sternly warned him to desist from harassing our country. People who complain that you should not be flying military planes are ungrateful. They have short memories. They forget that were it not for your flying prowess Smith would have long invaded this country. I hear that Smith apologised and promised you he would stop his bad behaviour. In the movie, I also want them to show that scene when Smith’s soldiers had ambushed you.

You remember how they organised an elaborate ambush thinking that finally they were going to capture you or even kill you. As you approached, they started shooting. You returned fire and killed hundreds of them. The survivors fled in terror because whenever they tried to take aim at you, they would instead see a tree stump. They had never seen anything like it. When I was a boy I wanted to join the army. I wanted to serve under you. I was particularly excited by the prospect of changing myself into a tree stump under fire. I am not sure you are aware that Ian Smith died a few months ago. At the time of his death he was old and had long been out of power. As a kid I knew Smith as the man with one eye. He had lost the other eye following the incident where his soldiers killed some of our men.

That time you were so angry you sent a swarm of bees to sting him. One of the bees stung him in the eye, blinding him until his dying day. All honest people know you saved this country single-handedly. That is why it is proper for you to be president. I cannot understand why some of the local chaps think they can be presidents in your place. For starters if they want us to take them seriously they should tell us where they were during the time of Smith. Where were they when you were busy confronting Smith all alone in his residence? Where were they when under heavy gunfire, you killed hundreds of his soldiers. Are they aware that you ran out of ammunition, and when your enemies thought they had you cornered, you transformed into a tree stump? Can any of the chaps who want to be president change themselves into a tree? Do they know how to shoot? These are chaps who can’t fly a kite let alone a plane. I would like to see them trying to send a swarm of bees to deal with our enemies. They wouldn’t even know where to start. I mean they can’t even swim.

Not only can you pilot a plane, you can also spend many days underwater without having to come up for air. As kids the older boys told us you could swim from here to England. Non stop! I doubt if any of your challengers can swim in a bath. I am reminded of your many feats because the man who replaced Smith is becoming worse than him. Granted, he was right to seize the land from the whites. But now he has turned on his own kith and kin. I don’t know if Old Man is aware that had you not fought Smith so gallantly, he would never have tasted power. I wonder if he ever came to thank you. That said rumours say you don’t like what is happening next door. Now that you are president I think it’s time to remind Old Man of who you are. I am told you have already started. I was thrilled to hear that you phoned the captain of the Chinese ship carrying those arms of war and told him to return to China with his deadly cargo. Being a stranger to this part of the world, and not knowing you, he tried to dock in some ports around the region, but at every turn he would see your plane circling above him. I am sure by now he is fleeing back to China, fully aware that you are tracking the ship’s movement from your plane.

Some Zimbos have been pleading with you to intervene in their country. It seems they know of your special skills. I heard that the nice man who wants to replace Old Man as president came to see you a couple of weeks ago. I am looking forward to some action. I wonder what you are going to do this time. I can imagine you flying a jet into Old Man’s residence and striding up to his front door. I can see you having a serious chat with him, and in the process reminding him that the last time you were there, it was to warn Smith. You have now returned to warn Old Man himself to behave. But on second thoughts, such a direct confrontation might cause problems. In that case you can do the easier stuff. I mean you can send a swarm of bees to deal with Old Man. I am sure those bees are somewhere waiting for you to summon them to action. The bees already know the lay out of Old Man’s residence. After all it was the same place you sent them to sting and blind Ian Smith all those years ago. This time around please make sure Old Man is blinded in both eyes. As soon as he goes blind he will have to step down from power. And what more, blind, he will never see Pretty Face again!

NB: We are happy to have you as our president, sir. Next week I will write to discuss the little issue of liquor drinking hours.

Your loyalist,
Loose Canon.


Read this week's paper

Sunday Standard September 27 – 3 October

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of September 27 - 3 October, 2020.