Thursday, April 9, 2020

Letter to Queen Elizabeth

Your Majesty, not so long ago, I went for further studies in Britain. Before I left, I went around the village bidding my relatives farewell. They could not believe I was going to ‘Enyelane’. The old folks in particular were very emotional about it. They still regard themselves as your subjects and wept tears of joy when they learnt where I was going. They instructed me to go and greet you as soon as I arrived. I was also to convey their greetings to the rest of the royal family. I almost regretted why I went to the village to tell them I was going to England. I should have just told them I was going overseas. Anyway so excited were they that they gave me chickens and watermelons as presents that I should give you and the family as soon as I arrived.

There was no way I could tell them I couldn’t take along all those chickens and watermelons. They would have been heartbroken. I was even given a goat by one old man who had fought for the empire in World War 2. He gave me specific instructions to give the goat to your husband and to tell him that his loyal soldier was still alive and ready to serve if called upon. The old man even showed me a medal kept in shiny condition which he said was awarded to him for his exploits against Hitler. He was also proud that he got a bicycle after the war. I was glad to escape from the village before other neighbouring villages heard about my journey and started giving more chickens and water melons.

Ma’am I must confess that I ate the water melons and the chickens before I left. I sold the goat. But I am consumed by guilt because every time I go to the village they want to know if you liked your presents. I don’t have the heart to tell them I couldn’t enter your palace because of all the tight security.

They also constantly ask after the royal family because they hear so much about it on the radio.

They are sad at what is happening to their beloved royal family. I won’t be surprised if they mounted a delegation of elderly folk to come and ask what is wrong and offer their advice. I am starting to think they are planning to come because one old man, another ex-soldier, wanted to know how long it would take to travel to England. If they come, they will probably bring along a traditional healer to fortify the family and the palaces. They think jealous people are bewitching the royal family. The other problem is that your representatives here at the High Commission don’t seem to care. They spend all of their time at garden tea parties with local whites who also claim to be your subjects. For people who claim to be subjects of the good Queen, the local whites are very arrogant. They own big farms and because they have a lot of money they don’t mingle with your other subjects like us.

I think you should have a word with these people the next time you come on a visit. The people at the High Commission are utterly hopeless. They should do their job by keeping the locals, especially old people in the villages updated about your health and well being of the royal family. That is their job and nothing else. I hope you will take action against them because it is now left to some of us to reassure the old folks that the royal family is still okay. I just don’t know why the High Commission people are paid. Having said that, I trust the whole family is well. Ma’am I hope your husband Prince Phillip is doing fine. He is a nice old man when he is not making nasty jokes about Indians. It would seem to me that your eldest son Prince Charles is enjoying his life once again. As you know, news travels very slowly to the colonies. The villagers only learnt recently that he is married to his second wife, a lady called Camilla Parker Bowles. I think Prince Charles has had a rough time. Although a lot of people liked that former wife of his, the now deceased Lady Diana, I wasn’t so sure if she was the right person for him.

To me, it appeared Lady Diana did not appreciate her role in the royal family. I heard a rumour that she had not stayed long in school. Perhaps that’s why she did not realise the British Empire expected a certain decorum from its future queen. It was embarrassing to always read about her numerous affairs with some thoroughly disreputable characters. How could she even think of falling in love with that Egyptian, with whom she was involved in the fatal car crash? We understand he was Muslim. Well, we also have Muslims here. Some of them are lovely people but there are others who force us to buy and eat halaal meat.

They don’t care whether you follow their faith or not. They insist that everything we buy and consume from their shops must be halaal. I don’t know if that is the case in England. Here one bank has even started halaal banking. I don’t know how it works but I think it’s only for Muslim clients.

Because a lot of the Muslims here have money I can only see them deserting their old banks for the outfit that offers halaal banking. If that happens then everyone will have to introduce halaal banking in order to stay in business. Presently, the clients have no problems being served by non Muslim staff. But I foresee a situation where they will soon insist that staff members in the halaal department must wear the veil and pray five times a day. Ma’am because your subjects are worried I just thought I should inform you about this halaal issue. Otherwise I hope other members of the family are well. Tell Prince Harry to go easy on the drinking. Ma’am I will inform the old folks in the village that everything is fine and you look forward to another batch of chickens and water melons.

Your loyal subject.

Loose Canon.

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