Sunday, September 20, 2020

Of ladies, national pride and Big Brother!

I am unable to sleep. I am dead worried. There is nothing like national pride. People find every reason to take pride in their countries. No one wants to be embarrassed by their country. And, if there is something every citizen must do, it is to help their country be the best. It is like family. Every parent competes with the next. They brag about how clever their kids are. They brag about how their daughter is not only pretty but also the smartest in class. Even families that have hopeless kids go on about how their son was so smart before he was bewitched by his aunt to turn to a life of crime. They will try to salvage some pride by saying even in prison he teaches other inmates. So you see, pride is central to the existence of all human beings. Now talking of a nation, that pride is multiplied many times over. When it comes to the nation, everyone is expected to weigh in with their contribution. Everyone must help the nation emerge as the best for the sake of national pride.

As a patriotic citizen who wants the best for his country, you can understand why my nights are sleepless. I mean, the clock is ticking and still no one is saying anything about our representative to the Big Brother show. I am now convinced this time we will be represented by a man. The last time it was a lady and she did fairly well. And just to show how important national pride is, on her return she got to meet the man running the country. She had not won but the country was still proud of her. This time the stakes will be much higher. The people in charge of Big Brother are enterprising and for every country that sent a male they are going to select a female, and vice versa. So I am confident it will be a bloke hoisting our flag high. That is why I insist we have to get the best from our country.

Many patriotic citizens seem to agree with me. They are worried. They do not want their country humiliated in front of the world. I can understand where the worry is coming from. We have a tendency of bragging to everyone who cares to listen about how ours is the best country. We have had it easy for too long. After all this bragging, it is time to walk the talk. We are faced with two simple scenarios. If our man shows up at shower hour, naked and bigger than all male housemates, we get to keep our bragging rights. And, of course, local men get to enjoy favours from women all over the world. But if he enters the shower in his underpants facing away from the television camera then it will be all over. After such humiliation it will only be honourable to shut up and stop bragging. About anything. And forever local men will be the laughing stock of the world. And, of course, no self respecting foreign woman will look at them twice. That is how important this upcoming Big Brother show is. Like I have said before, we need to make sure our bloke is big. But the problem is how do we identify a big bloke who will defend the honour of the country and ensure we retain our bragging rights?

This is a major project and the government must be involved. Well, the government could start by placing notices on national radio and television inviting blokes who consider themselves big to come forward. They will be put up at a nice hotel and fed as government officials get to work with their measuring tapes and rulers to pick out our hero. But with Big Brother just around the corner, this strategy will be time consuming. In any event, there will be lots of small blokes turning up to be fed but who never had the guts to shower in a group. That brings me to another idea. A lot of men have been to boarding school and varsity. There the shower set up is communal. The small blokes showered when everyone else had gone to class. But the big blokes always showered together and would prowl around the shower, chatting and laughing with their mates, all in their naked glory. But how do we trace the shower champions at boarding school and varsity?

Firstly, we can get the small blokes who always showered alone to send the names and contacts of the big blokes to the government office in charge of the Big Brother project. The small blokes will no doubt still remember the champions at whose sight they hastily fled the shower. I am sure this strategy can work. The government will then follow up and get the big blokes to the hotel where the biggest of them all would be sent to Big Brother house. But if this one doesn’t work, we will have to turn to the women of this country. They are the ones who know how big or small their partners are. They watched the last Big Brother show and made comparisons between the mighty Gaetano and their partners. The unfortunate ones wondered where they could find somebody like Gaetano. Well, it is now time for local women to come to the aid of the nation by telling the government whether their partners are big enough to hoist our flag.

I know women. Those blessed with big partners will think if they offered them for national duty, other women with small partners would steal the guy the moment he arrived from Big Brother house. That is petty. Our women should banish such thoughts from their minds. This is a matter of national pride. I kindly urge women fortunate enough to be blessed with big partners to send their names to the government. Come on ladies, the country needs your partners. Let the names roll in!

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Sunday Standard September 20 – 26

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of September 20 - 26, 2020.