The vast majority of human beings is incredibly secretive; and harbours feelings of guilt and shame about sex.
Sure, we accept that people must be having sex because they procreate, but we rarely talk about it, much less encourage people to act on their sexual instincts.
In fact, most of us go out of our way to repress our sexual desire. We hide our sexual attraction to other people, sometimes by ignoring them, but other times by being downright nasty to them!
We all have our peculiar reasons for doing that but, for many people, this type of behaviour stems from early negative programming about sex. Religious leaders, school teachers and our parents saw it as their duty to teach us that sex, especially before marriage, is wrong. At a stretch, they may have said something like, “Sex, within the right parameters, is fine”.
Many of us were taught that even sexual thoughts should be stamped out lest we act on them!
The ‘morally upright’ insist that if you can’t ignore your sexual urges, then you’re no better than an animal!
But just who gets to define what is sexually ‘normal,’ and why does it seem to change all the time? As far as I can tell, what’s normal or acceptable, is entirely subjective.
And yet even perceiving sex as ‘normal’ is something many of us struggle with. Think about how we react when we’re watching television with other people and a sex scene comes on, most of us want to die! In fact, staring at the screen while someone’s doing the dirty is deemed impolite!
That said, there’re also people on the opposite side of the spectrum; people who, while they have no problem engaging in sex physically, also harbour negative feelings about it. They see sex as a tool to control or manipulate other people. Others try to use it to ‘fill up a hole;’ that feeling of emptiness that washes over us when very little in our lives seems to hold any meaning. Such people may take their attachment to sex to another level, not just watching and becoming addicted to porn, which has been shown to result in depression. Others of us take to one night stands, or No-Strings-Attached (NSA) sex. Whilst NSA sex is more popular amongst younger people, is there any such thing?
Social science research shows that, while both men and women do want emotional commitment, commitment is more important to women. In fact, women often have sex hoping that it will evolve into a relationship. We have an evolutionary drive to attach to someone who could be the father of a possible child. Men, on the other hand, are driven to find other women to whom they can spread their biological seed, generally speaking that is.
The key thing to note is, neither women nor men are particularly happy with meaningless, NSA sex, but women even less so. While on the whole, people are delaying entering into long-term relationships such as marriage, it could be that men and women were meant to enjoy sex within the context of a secure relationship.
Whatever your take, sex is inherently positive! Especially if it involves more than one person (which is not mandatory) it can be immensely satisfying and encourage closeness.
At its finest, sex enables us to let go of our resistance and experience a connection with the divine. That feeling of bliss that we sometimes feel at the culmination of sexual activity is what we’re all after!
But frankly, while God, through his infinite wisdom, gave us sex because it is so enjoyable, we don’t need it to experience that blissful connection. We achieve that state when we’re in ‘flow;’ or when we become so lost in doing something that we love, that we don’t notice the hours go by. We can even experience it while driving; or doing the laundry!
Far more likely, however, we experience that connection through meditation; or prayer. The key is letting go of our resistance; tapping into Infinite Intelligence, or the God force within each one of us; and allowing good things to naturally flow into our lives.
In fact, unless we release our resistance before any activity, it won’t be pleasurable. That’s why sex can be such a hit-and-miss experience.
How do you feel about sex? Does even the mere mention of it make you want to disappear into the nearest hole; or feel guilty? Examine your feelings closely.
I’m not advocating that it’s right, or wrong. The cardinal principle to remember is: don’t do anything unless you feel good about it!
Don’t feel pressured to have sex because everyone’s telling you should; just as you shouldn’t refrain from having sex because other people insist it’s bad.
For my part, I believe that sex is good; and it’s fun. It’s also the means through which we perpetuate life on our planet.
If you want to start cultivating positive feelings about sex, find any excuse to feel good. Focus on those things that you love easily.
While you’re in this positive frame of mind, contemplate sex, or your sexual relationship. If you can stay positively focused while doing this, including by thinking about the positive aspects of the person you’re in a sexual relationship with, you can influence them into co-creating a magnificent relationship with you.
Also, try seeing yourself as a sexual being and feel good about that. Look at yourself naked in the mirror for at least five minutes every day. You’ll start to see past the bumps and cellulite; and see yourself as beautiful and sexy!
This week, we celebrated World AIDS day, a powerful reminder of the need for responsible sexual engagement. While it’s everyone’s right to enjoy sex, please, know your status; help fight the scourge!