The killing of Reeva Steenkamp by Oscar Pistorius is generating worldwide interest at present and has brought the issue of abusive relationships to the fore once again. In South Africa approximately half of all women murdered, are killed by intimate partners. This trend extends throughout Africa and indeed the world. For this reason, it is important, to notice patterns of abusive behaviour if they occur in your relationships. If Reeva Steenkamp had done so she may still be with us today! A chilling thought indeed!
HOW DO WE DEFINE ABUSE
Abuse can be defined as the systematic and usually escalating pattern of controlling behaviors in a relationship. These behaviours are used by the abuser to gain and/or maintain, power and control over another. Behaviors exhibited in abusive relationships can commonly be broken down into five basic categories:
ÔÇó Physical Abuse which includes, hitting, punching, pushing, biting, choking or any other infliction of bodily harm
ÔÇó Emotional Abuse which includes swearing, attacks on self-esteem and self worth, blaming, criticizing your thoughts feelings, embarrassing you in front of others and isolating you from loved ones
ÔÇó Psychological Abuse includes but is not limited to, threatening you, your pets or your children, throwing, smashing or breaking things, punching walls, hiding your things or even sabotaging your car
ÔÇó Sexual Abuse, which would include any non-consensual sexual act or behavior
ÔÇó Financial Abuse including cutting off or threatening to cut off essential funds required by the victim and often not allowing the victim to work or seek employment
ABUSIVE ELEMENTS HIGHLIGHTED IN THE PISTORIUS CASE
Reeva Steenkamp sent messages to Oscar Pistorius within the last two weeks of her life. In these messages she details a number of the highly concerning elements common to abusive intimate partner relationships. Reeva talks of a relationship in which she felt controlled by his moods and at times expressed being afraid of him. She spoke of his throwing tantrums in public, embarrassing her and causing them to leave events early, at his discretion. She details feeling that she has to constantly adjust her behaviour to his behaviour, in order to please him and prevent him from having further tantrums or outbursts. This behaviour is clearly aimed at bringing her under his control.
What also emerges in my opinion is a narcissistic personality in Pistorius who is hyper alert and focused on her interactions with others. He relentlessly monitors who she is talking too and whether her focus may have shifted from him. Clearly Pistorius wanted to be the sole focus of her world at all times and to this end he seems to be constantly watching, judging and keeping her under surveillance. As soon as he determines her attention shifting away from him, he reacts in order to correct her “unacceptable” behaviour, bringing her focus swiftly back to him.
A picture of Pistorius emerges as a man who’s self esteem is linked to external or perceived external stimuli or factors, wherein, when he felt that Reeva was being attentive to him he felt loved and valued and when she was treating him in what he thought was a neglectful or dismissive manner he felt unloved and retaliated aggressively, admonishing her for even small transgressions.
Pistorius seems to exhibit the characteristics of someone who is in permanent need of attention, in line with a diagnosis of full blown narcissistic personality disorder. The minute attention shifts from these personalities, to another topic, as it did when Reeva spoke of a funny incident that occurred in a previous relationship, they react angrily or even violently in what psychologists refer to as a “narcissistic rage”. This kind of pathological jealousy, where anything, “interaction or communication”, by her with another person, can be defined by the abuser as the victim turning away from him and provoke a reaction. If this cycle were to continue the victim would eventually become like a little mouse, watching him continuously to determine if she was even allowed to be speaking to someone or not. She will then adjust her behaviour to conform to his signals, fearing retaliation.
IS IT COMMON FOR ABUSE TO START EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP?
It is not typical for abuse to show up in a very young relationship and characteristically abusive behaviour manifests once the relationship has settled or the initial “honeymoon period” is over”. In fact if signs of abuse show up very early in a relationship the best advice I can offer victims is, “to run for their lives”. Abusive behaviour tends to escalate over time and will probably intensify, often with serious consequences or results. Men in positions of power or those with a high symbolic value like Pistorius may show signs of abusive behaviour earlier in relationships. They may believe that because of who or what they are, their intimate partner will tolerate inappropriate behaviour, not wanting to walk away from a high value relationship so to speak, again feeding the narcissistic complex.
ARE ABUSIVE BEHAVIOURS CONSTANTLY APPARENT IN ABUSERS?
As highlighted by defense council Barry Roux ninety percent of communications between Pistorius and Steenkamp were normal and loving. They used pet names like baby, baba and boo in the tests to refer to each other. Additionally a high number of symbolic kisses hugs and smiley faces were apparent in the texts between them. What struck me as I listened to the messages being read out in court by Roux was the obvious low level of maturity apparent in both parties texting. The messages, to me, sounded as through they had been composed by high school students. I wondered how much of this immaturity played a part in the final outcome of this relationship.
That said it is not necessary for a abusers to be constantly and consistently abusive. Depending on the personality of the victim it may only be necessary to for example, to, “slap someone once a year”, in order to control a victim’s behaviour for long periods at a time. What you find in abusive relationships is that the rules are set and once this occurs, the loving interaction and the sweet talk become a mechanism for confusing the victim. This results in the victim mistrusting her own feelings and reactions because she thinks, “most of the time he is such a sweet guy”. This then means that in the times that he is hurtful, controlling and aggressive she will dismiss this behaviour, thinking that maybe she is hypersensitive, maybe she pressed the wrong buttons, and often blaming herself for his reactions. For this reason, abuse has got nothing to do with the frequency of the abusive behaviour.
THE ROLE OF PUBLIC EMBARRASMENT IN ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR
Samantha Taylor and ex-girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius had told the court of his propensity to shout at her in private, in front of her friends and family and often very publicly. In Reeva’s messages the same issue of Pistorius chastising her publicly came to the fore. This caused her great humiliation and embarrassment and ruined events that should have been special to her. This behaviour again is typical of a person with narcissistic personality traits and with abusers. The humiliation of a victim of abuse in front of friends, is aimed at the isolation of the victim from her support system. Eventually she becomes too ashamed to admit to her friends that she is in an abusive relationship and she withdraws. The abuser will often reinforce this perception by telling her that her friends are nasty to her, not because of his behaviour, but because she is worthless.
Ultimately, as the cycle proceeds it often results in the total isolation of the victim, the loss of her support system and despair, making his ability to control her easier.
This situation had already begun to unfold in the Steenkamp/Pistorius relationship. In her message, Reeva talks of having to endure criticism from outside of the relationship (ie. friends) only to be criticized and attacked by Pistorius as well. She tells Pistorius, “I need you to protect me” . This would indicate that already, she was feeling disqualified in the relationship. When you are involved in an intimate relationship you open up to the person you love, you let down your guard. Consequently, their feedback has a far greater impact on your self esteem than that of others. What Reeva is effectively telling Pistorius that she feels unsafe in the relationship, and that if she doesn’t have a safe place in her relationship with him, then she doesn’t have a safe place in the world.
WHY DID REEVA STAY – HERO WORSHIP?
Pistorius was an international icon and therefore he had a high symbolic value, evidenced by the interest in this case. This really is not a very interesting murder case. It is simply another case where a man has killed his girlfriend, which happens, almost daily in South Africa. There can be little doubt that there was probably an element of hero worship involved in the dynamic. Furthermore there was a lot of publicity to be gained by Steenkamp in attending high profile events with Pistorius. At twenty-nine she was possibly nearing the end of her modeling career and being seen around town with Pistorius as well as having him promote her, could have bolstered her career enormously. It is known that she was struggling financially.
JUSTIFICATION OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR
Pistorius, as with most abusers, consistently refuses to take responsibility and justified his behaviour by saying that he was tired, sick and hungry, among other things and that he had been reacting to her inappropriate behaviour, placing the blame squarely at Reeva’s feet. Additionally he referred to being under a number of pressures related to his sport, work commitments, and finances, he also talks of the emotional stress he was constantly under.
WHAT TO DO
If you see a telltale sign of abuse manifesting in any relationship, male or female, in which you are involved be aware that your life may be in danger. If you find yourself continuously making excuses for your partner’s behaviour, see it as a red light and the beginning of a potentially abusive relationship. The best advice I can give you as a profiler is make sure that you have a safe exit strategy, with a good support system in place, because you will be at highest risk as you try to leave the relationship, – then RUN and importantly, NEVER RETURN….
Criminologists, understand the dangers of intimate partner abuse and can explain and equip you with the necessary skills to deal with and be exit these destructive liaisons. To this end Attorney Tshepiso Lediretse and I have established a consulting firm – Expert Profiling contactable on Tel: 390 9957 which is ideally placed to assist. For more info visit our website on www.expert-profiling.com
