I used to love going to my yoga class. It made me feel fit, supple and really quite beautiful. I loved the thought that some day, I might actually have a body like Jennifer Aniston’s, however far-fetched that might seem.
That is, until one day, somebody walked into my class who nearly ruined yoga forever for me. She was thinner, more flexible and much more toned than I was. And oh, did I mention that she was really quite beautiful; and good-natured to boot? She smiled and laughed gaily through the exercises that most of us groaned through; and she had a disturbingly sunny disposition for 5.30am.
I took an almost immediate and inexplicable dislike to her, which made me feel really rather shocked and ashamed of myself.
My reaction made me think of all those times when people, whom I’d judged to be unfair, had taken one look at me and decided that I needed to be brought down a peg or two. Without ever speaking to me, they’d decided that I must have an inflated opinion of myself. Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about, where people who don’t know you are hostile to you largely due to their own insecurities.
I’ve always dismissed such people as severely (although hopefully temporarily) disempowered. I refuse to allow them to affect me in any way. So how did I become one of them?
The answer is: comparison!
I was pleased with my level of fitness until I observed someone who was fitter than I was. Instead of continuing to love my body and working to get fitter, I judged it against somebody else’s and decided I came up short; and I took it out on my target of envy.
Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar in the past. For instance, you could love your job and the salary you earn, thankful that it’s enough to meet your daily needs and more, until your friend lets it drop in a conversation how much he’s earning and it turns out to be almost twice as much as you. How much do you love your job then?
Or you’re thrilled that your partner took you out for a romantic dinner, but become miserable when you discover that your friend’s husband took her on a weekend safari to the Okavango?
How about if your children work diligently, gradually improve their grades making you justifiably proud, only to learn that your friend’s child, in the same class, is skipping a grade because he’s so smart – how proud are you then?
Many of us allow our joy to whither in the face of the seemingly more impressive accomplishments of others. We could make real strides in our lives, yet we stop feeling content as soon as somebody bests us ÔÇô we suffer from death by comparison.
Some of us only feel happy when we compare ourselves to people who are less fortunate than us. We may say, I have a terrible marriage because my wife rightly suspects that I’m unfaithful to her, but at least I’m better than Tiger Woods, who got caught and taken to the cleaner’s by his wife’s divorce lawyers.
We delight in other people’s misfortunes because they make us feel like better; and while this may seem like a good strategy to feel more positive about ourselves, it really doesn’t work!
‘Upward’ social comparisons, where we feel inferior or less accomplished than others; and even ‘downward’ comparisons, where we judge ourselves to be better off than certain people, are never beneficial.
The more comparisons we make, the more likely we are to view ourselves in a negative light and the unhappier we’ll be.
This is really worth thinking about, because no matter how rich, beautiful or successful we become, there’ll always be someone who’s objectively better than us, I guarantee it.
Far better to be satisfied, and even relish, what we have, than keep tabs on and worry about other people’s growing fortunes. You simply can’t be envious and be happy at the same time.
Research conducted by Sonja Lyubomirsky and Lee Ross shows that the happiest people in the world engage in neither upward nor downward social comparisons.
While they may acknowledge comparisons in the media ÔÇô such as the Forbes lists of the richest or most powerful people – they don’t internalise them. Instead, they judge themselves by their own personal standards.
For example, how much weight they’ve lost compared to last year; or how they can prepare a four course meal whereas before, they could barely boil an egg.
Moreover, the happiest people actually take pleasure in other people’s achievements. When they are told of, or if they witness, somebody else’s good fortune, they feel happy for them, just as if they’re informed of others’ misfortune, they show concern for them.
Compare that to the unhappiest people in the world – they feel envious or deflated by others’ accomplishments; and triumphant in the face of other’s failures. Their emotions are a constantly in flux; and are highly dependent on external circumstances.
Knowing what you know, which would you rather be?
Of course, not all comparison is bad. For example, if I’d allowed myself to become inspired by the poses of the yoga prodigy in my class, instead of feeling threatened by them, I might’ve been motivated to become just as, if not fitter.
While we may not be able to avoid pervasive and invidious comparisons altogether, we don’t have to allow them to negatively impact us.
Starting today, vow to be content with who you are and what you have. Don’t worry about who’s doing better than you. Savour your accomplishments and appreciate that you’re making progress.
Where you sense you envy someone, see it as a sign that you need to set a goal to achieve the same quality, or achievement ÔÇô because you can!
As for me, I’ve put my green-eyed monster to bed. It’s back to yoga class for me tomorrow morning!
