Sir, clearly we are on the threshold of a new dawn. What we see unfolding before our very own eyes is something no one thought possible. Ever. I am so proud of you. Many of us are proud of you. You are the only person who can redeem us. After years of subjugation and oppression one of our own seems set to become the most powerful man in the world. No position carries more power than the president of America.
Unlike some people who are beginning to like America because they see you inching to power, I have always been a friend of that great nation. I think America is the greatest country in the world. I certainly think it is better than the likes of Iraq, Libya, Zimbabwe and all the other little places that cannot tie their shoelaces, and yet have the temerity to insult America with abandon. Sir, when you become president, those countries will insult you and call you all sorts of names. Just ignore them. It is amazing that their citizens listen to American music, wear American clothes and dream of living in America and yet their leaders claim not to like America.
Anyway back to my subject. In this part of the world, we have been watching the television every day as you chalk up win after win against that woman who was married to the president who used to enjoy the attentions of that young lass called Monica. I don’t understand why that woman would want to become president. I am worried that Americans are starting to behave like Africans. I am opposed to the idea that leaders should come from certain families only. Although I like George Bush, as indeed I like all American presidents, I don’t wish to see a third Bush occupying the White House. If that woman wins the elections there will be trouble.
What if she becomes president and her husband starts looking around for another young intern to relax with? That is why I am fully behind you. Also, I think you are smart and well spoken. Of course, I like the fact that you are black. That is the main attraction. The issue of your race is a rather complex matter. In all honesty, in my part of the world, we don’t consider people like yourself black. Neither do we consider them white. We consider them halfway in between. We have derogatory names for them. To us black means people like my friends and I. But we are happy that in America you are considered black. That is nice because we can claim you as one of our own. But though not really black, we like you because you are more African than the people who call themselves African Americans. Every single one of those folks would be lost if they came to Africa. They wouldn’t know where to find their home village. They don’t know the name of their chief.
They don’t know their totem. Their forbearers were sold away by their chiefs all those years ago. Since then they have not returned to Africa. It is a good thing they never returned because things are pretty rough down here. But my point is that though you look slightly different, you are more African. I mean if your dad was from here, then surely you are from here. And that is precisely my problem. As you draw closer to securing the nomination, you must stay away from this continent. We don’t want your opponents to claim that if elected you will open the borders of America to allow all of us to migrate there. As you know there is trouble in your father’s land. Typical of your people after the recent elections they were hacking at each other with machetes and burning down their shacks. That was terrible. But, as you know only your people are capable of that. Impoverished as they are, they would rather destroy the meager possessions they have in the name of the political leaders they voted for.
The lives of the rioters will never change even after their favourite leader is installed in power. They will remain in the slums while the children of the leaders study overseas and sleep with white girls. So you must keep away from Africa. We don’t want Americans saying if you lose the elections you will import your countrymen to come and burn down America. In America, even when elections are rigged, people don’t hack each other to death. Another reason why you must keep away is because when it comes to the real election, Americans won’t like those television images of your relatives. Recently they were shown seated on white plastic chairs with chickens cackling around them. Your grandmother and some of your cousins were shown lounging around and not doing anything useful. Americans don’t like idle people. They won’t like the idea that all your poor relatives would move en masse from Kenya into the White House. In particular, they are horrified by the prospect of all those relatives slaughtering goats on the lawns of the White House. Americans would be shocked by your relatives drinking traditional beer and singing at the top of their voices, with machetes and spears in full display. Certainly, Americans wouldn’t like to hear that some of your nephews have taken to sleeping in the lounge because all the rooms in the White House, including the kitchen, are full of Africans. It would be a scandal if reports emerged that some of your younger relatives have taken to sharing your wardrobe. As you know in Africa relatives share clothing.
Americans won’t like that. There are so many things you need to be careful of during this critical part of your campaign. I think what you need is an advisor on African affairs. For this position you need a proper African who has seen it all. If you don’t get yourself an advisor very soon your enemies will find something bad, such as an uncle who knifed his pal to death during a traditional beer drinking party. You need someone to handle such matters. Sir, as you read this letter I am certain you have found just the right man. I am ready to assist in your historic bid for the White House. Given that I have always wanted to get out of Africa, I am just the right African!
