I write to tender my apologies. I am awfully sorry at what has been going on. I now concede I have been mischievous and shouldn’t have said the things I did. You may be wondering what I am on about. Well we are on our second week now and results of the elections have not been published. For God’s sake the elections were held last month. Still, so far we have been told only the results of the legislative election. There is nothing at all about who should be president. Even with the benefit of African time we have waited for just too long. Initially, I went along with the view that the delay was occasioned by the big turnout and the fact that it takes time for the ballots to be transported from the villages. Now I don’t know what to think. I used to think that after an election, all the contestants had to be told the results as quickly as possible. Those who won would celebrate and the vanquished would accept defeat with grace. But what is happening over there is totally bizarre.
Some people say the results are delayed because you lost disastrously and your boys are busy trying to cook the figures in order to overturn the result. Others say there are no pens and paper to collate the results because the economy has collapsed. Yet we still have those who say you have fled the country and your boys are still trying to locate you in order to relay the bad news. We have those who claim to know the actual truth.
They say you want to concede defeat but the army generals don’t want to hear anything of that sort, and have effectively placed you under house arrest. How about those who say you are dead and you have been buried for two weeks now. They say when you heard the results your heart just stopped and you died. I don’t know if this could be true. But I know that an eighty four year old heart can only tolerate pressure and unpopularity for so long. So may be they are right. I don’t know what to believe. You must understand that the elections affect so many people. They affect the hungry Zimbos who can only be saved by a new government. They affect the white farmers who dream of reclaiming their land once you have been ousted. They affect the goons in your pay who wonder what will happen to them when Morgan takes over. As I say, the elections affect many people.
The only people happy with this state of affairs are local prostitutes who used to overprice their wares. Your girls forced them out of business by offering reasonable rates. Now the local girls are back in the red light districts and charging the sort of fees Zimbo girls would never contemplate. So you see this delay in the results is a bad thing for many people. I met a friend who was so sad because the young Zimbo girl he had on a monthly retainer went back to vote and up to now there is no sign of her. My mate is distraught because he had started to fall in love with the young girl. Now she is gone. We don’t know whether she will return or if she is dead. This is a terrible time. If you were to release the results, so many people would be happy, except, of course, local prostitutes. It is also said you are clinging onto power because you fear being arrested and flown to The Hague. I would also be afraid at the thought of the hangman’s noose caressing my neck. So your fear is perfectly valid. But apparently there is something else that causes you sleepless nights and prevents you from releasing the results.
The problem is Pretty Face. It would seem you discovered one of the letters I wrote to her. That was the only letter in which I had enclosed my photograph. Silly me I had set out in detail what Pretty Face should do the day you lost power. There was too much detail. I told her where we would meet and gave her details of my life this side. With hindsight I must admit I was careless. But Pretty Face was also careless. I always reminded her not to keep the letters, but destroy them lest they fell into the wrong hands. Evidently, she forgot to burn the very letter that you discovered. That is the purpose of my apology to you. Like any man who wants to steal his rival’s wife, I never thought you would find out. Now that you have, you are determined to hang onto power. Without power you would lose Pretty Face to me. The only reason why you are holding onto her is because you have power and loads of money. As for me, the only thing I have is love.
Clearly she is aware that she cannot eat love. But that aside we had reached an understanding that if you lost power and were put on trial, she would elope and join me, minus the kids of course. However, in view of the latest developments I want to tell you that I have decided to stop my affair with Pretty Face. I don’t want her to come this side anymore. Like a dutiful wife, I want her to be by your side through thick and thin. I want her to take care of the children. Furthermore, I promise never to write her again. As soon as I finish this letter I am going to destroy that photo she sent me. Yes the one showing her relaxing by the poolside. It’s all over between me and her. And I really mean it. Does it make you feel better? Good, and now that I have apologised and split up with your loving wife will you hand over power?
