Tuesday, December 5, 2023

Be warned: no more chain e-mails for me!

My lovely friends, who all have my email address, will have to understand and forgive my decision to not receive any more chain emails.

I mean, what is it really with these e-mails?

Okay, I guess the one that put that 5 second smirk on my face was pretty cool. I love humour and I believe the reason Sarah sent me, and tens of other people on her Contacts list, the joke about the kindergarten girl who called her teacher a certain derogatory name is because she knew it would make us all crack a few ribs.

I understand some of us would otherwise pass it off as a young girl whose manners are a little short (I wonder why we would think that, knowing the child is but three and a half years old).
But, as I was saying, I will only open the funny jokes and trash all others before reading anything that so much as reads like a witchdoctor’s or fortune teller’s advert.

“If you want to live for the next few days, send this to 50 other people, please it’s not a joke….”, the e-mail will go on to ‘threaten’ that avoiding the message will bring death to your doorstep sooner than expected. Oh, brother!

This kind of thing used to freak me out when I first saw them, but I now dislike them.
They are not interesting or scary or meaningful. They are just simply stupid and meant for those who really have nothing to do even when sitting in front of a computer, which could teach someone a lot.

Some of them have the worst grammar I can ever imagine.
There was a point in my life that I actually forwarded some of them to my ‘learned’ friends!
What defies logic is how some people really believe in the group messages they supposedly sent out around the world!

Some would forward these ‘warnings’ about a certain murderer in Minnesota who has his eyes set out on all blondes! And I should heed that warning?
Get out of here!

I should WARN everyone who has my email address to learn a little thing called contextualizing content.

It might just be that you received the mail about the Minnesota killings because you, unlike me, have a friend in that place and they ACCIDENTALLY added you to the list when sending out, given that there indeed is a murderer in Minnesota at that certain time!

And please do not send me a letter about ‘keeping your marriage alive’ or ‘how to have a lasting marriage’ when you are well aware that for the 10 or 5 years you have known me I never invited you to my wedding.

I also would not want to be disappointed when I try out something you sent me about hair to find out it was particularly ‘created’ by a Caucasian brunette for fellow Caucasians, spare me the embarrassment!

This, to me, is more like sending someone a recipe on how to cook dog meat, knowing full well that they don’t eat their puppies!

I am almost certain we all know the formula for getting rich, and by far I have not met anyone who got rich through forwarding a certain email that was from an angel.
Just don’t force me to send out what you sent me by saying I will receive money on the 3rd day, lest you want to make me bitter and angry at you for lying to me.

I respect God and know that the only limitations and principles he has set before me are in the Bible. And I swear on the Bible that God never said I will die if I don’t photocopy my Bible and stand at the Main Mall handing it out to passers-by, and then move to all parts of the world doing so.

Maybe what we should also consider before sending some mail about Christ is whether all people we are forwarding to are Christian.

A bit of religious tolerance, I beg.
I am not complaining about receiving mails, you could write to me and tell me you miss me and love me. You know the advent of the www is so interesting that you too can learn how to add little animations to your personalized mails to your friends and family.

I wish to make no one mad, but there is not going to be any more junk mail for me.
No thanks!

I would rather get creative on my own than read the constant of other people’s creative thoughts, that have placed Jesus in restaurants all over the world as he used a cellphone here and there.
Don’t lie in a feeble attempt to preach or encourage people. Write your own Bible if you wish but don’t tell me about the time Jesus walked into a restaurant somewhere.

If you are going to forward me an email that originated in Nigeria to tell me how you miss me and what a good friend I am, then please bear in mind that I will not know it because I would not have read it in the first place.

I will also write you off as a friend.


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