During the Oscar Pistorius trial we have heard the term narcissism and more specifically Narcissistic Personality Disorder reared its head a number of times. ,In fact I was one of the first people to publicly express the opinion that Mr. Pistorius exhibited many traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder when interviewed by Deborah Patta on 3rd Degree in February 2013. This disorder is not uncommon in sportsmen, as in my opinion, they need to believe that they are omniscient in order to maintain performance at the levels expected of them. They need to believe they are “superior” to their competitors in order to build the confidence needed to WIN, WIN and WIN some more. This self-confidence however, may not be real and in many cases may be a tool used to hide deep insecurity.
Often this narcissistic belief structure is fuelled by the way we, as the public, indulge our icons. We put them on pedestals and treat them as “Demi-Gods”. We hold them to a different and often lesser standard and are frequently loath to believe that they are capable of wrong doing. We conceal or make excuses for their frequent poor conduct, sweeping incidents under the rug and regularly allowing them to escape all consequences of their often self serving, ill considered and unacceptable behaviour. This is not always in the best interests of these sporting icons or stars, as by the time action is taken against them, incidents of anti-social behaviour have commonly escalated to an unacceptable level and the resulting consequences are dire for them. Having never had to face the consequences of bad behaviour before, this can also be very confusing for them.
This is especially true for someone of Oscar Pistorius’ status and stature where he was more than a “person”, he was in fact an “industry”, part of the South African Brand and an Internationally acclaimed icon. He gave hope to many disabled people and was living proof that we can all surmount our challenges and rise up and shine if we simply put our minds to the task. His transgressions were covered up and ignored and he began to believe that he was untouchable. However “murder” or killing someone is not so easy to conceal or gloss over and he found the full might of the law come down on him. Because of his status, his trial would highlight the state of the entire flailing South African Justice System, who had to mobilise to protect its own image. All of a sudden Pistorius’ status is now working against him.
The fact that he is revered was evident in the outpouring of support from fans worldwide when news first broke that he had shot and killed his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Nobody wanted to believe it! Also interesting is that there are fans out there that simply refuse to accept his “guilt” in the face of overwhelming evidence, because, to do this would undermine their belief in Oscar Pistorius and what he represents to them.
NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER EXPLAINED
The term narcissism describes an extreme admiration of one’s self. The word originates from a Greek myth in which a good-looking young man named Narcissus catches sight of his own reflection in a pond of water and falls in love with it.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder falls into a group of conditions known as Dramatic Personality Disorders. People suffering from these disorders have extreme, unstable emotions and a distorted self-image.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is additionally characterised by an abnormal love of self, a preoccupation with success and power and an exaggerated sense of superiority and importance. Nevertheless, these attitudes and behaviours don’t reflect real self-confidence but rather conceal a profound sense of insecurity and a fragile self-esteem. People with this personality disorder have a tendency to set unrealistic goals just as Pistorius did when he attempted to compete against able bodied athletes, essentially putting them in danger.
SYMPTOMS OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER
In many cases, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are boastful and self-centred. They seek constant attention and continuous admiration from those around them. They have a tendency to regard themselves as better than others. They constantly overstate their talents and achievements. They feel that they are entitled to special treatment by those around them. They are easily hurt but often conceal their feelings so as not to allow anyone to see their weaknesses. They often tend to take advantage of others to realise their goals.
Additionally people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have a preoccupation with fantasies that centre on unlimited power, success, intelligence, beauty, or love. They hold a conviction that they are “special” and “unique,” and can only be understood by similar special people. Narcissists hold an expectation that other people will automatically go along with what they request from them. They exhibit an inability to recognise or identify with the feelings, desires, needs and viewpoints of other people, which is why they struggle to form and maintain meaningful relationships with others.
Narcissists exhibit jealousy of others or a certainty that others are envious of him or her. They tend to exhibit hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, defeat or disapproval, possibly reacting with rage, shame, indignity and humiliation. In general they exhibit an arrogant attitude and/or behaviour.
The exact cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is unknown. Many mental health professionals believe it results from extremes in child-rearing. It may possibly develop as the result of excessive pampering, or a parent’s need for their child to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. Conversely, it could develop as the result of neglect or abuse and trauma inflicted by parents or other authority figures during childhood. The disorder is usually evident by early adulthood.
HOW DOES THE NARCISSIST VIEW OTHER PEOPLE?
Narcissistic psychopaths have no friends, or lovers, or spouses, or children, or family – they have only objects to be manipulated and bent to their will.
Narcissists have no problem perceiving ideas and many are intellectually gifted. However, they do have a problem perceiving other people’s ability to have ideas, to have their own needs, emotions, and preference. Just as you might be startled if your television set suddenly informed you that it would rather not work on the weekend, a narcissist would be shocked and angered by you not wanting to attend a function with them and choosing to go to attend a work function of your own in order to boost your career.
To narcissists, other people are instruments, tools, sources – in a nutshell: objects. Objects are not supposed to have opinions or to make independent choices and decisions – especially if they don’t comply with the narcissist’s worldview or plans, or if they do not cater to his needs. It is simply not safe to disagree with them as this can cause them to become enraged.
WHAT IS NARCISISTIC RAGE
According to Kohut, “Narcissistic rage is the uncontrollable and unexpected anger that results from a narcissistic injury ÔÇô a threat to a narcissist’s self-esteem or worth. Rage comes in many forms, but all pertain to the same important thing, revenge. Narcissistic rages are based on fear and will endure even after the threat is gone.”
Things that are most apt to trigger the narcissist rage more intensely, and result in a tendency to seek revenge are things that emphasise their victim’s independence from them. For instance, if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and leave them before they leave you, they’re likely to go nuclear on you with rage. If you dismiss a narcissistic employee, or leave a narcissistic loverÔÇösame thing.
A narcissist will shout, rage, make blatantly absurd accusations and accuse people of all sorts of horrendous intents and acts for merely slighting them! So, if you were to pack up your clothes and attempt to leave as I suspect Reeva Steenkamp did on the might she died, a narcissist would go insane with rage and you may very well end up exactly as she did. Very dead.
It is critical to remember that if you’ve triggered a narcissistic rage in a narcissist, then you’ve injured or wounded their self-esteem. Nothing will bring them relief until you have been punished for your deed. That usually includes raging, verbal abuse, and will often continue to escalate to physical violence. You’ll be stalked, harassed, abused and even attacked until they feel you’ve suffered enough for hurting THEM.
NARCISISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER AND VIOLENT BEHAVIOUR
Invariably, violent behaviour in people suffering with NPD is triggered by frustration, perceived to be a threat to the integrity and veracity of the “False Self”. In other words, if the narcissist could not achieve gratification, or was criticised, or encountered resistance and disagreement – he tended to turn violent. He felt that his grandiose fantasies were being undermined and that his sense of entitlement due to his uniqueness is challenged. Another common trigger is rejection which will commonly push a narcissist into what is known as a narcissistic rage described above resulting in violent behaviour.
Because pathological narcissism rarely appears in isolation, it is usually co-morbid with other personality or mental health disorders. Substance abuse and other forms of reckless behaviour are common in narcissists. The best predictor of violent behaviour is past violence or antisocial behaviour. However, it is common that narcissists who also abuse alcohol or drugs and who have been diagnosed with psychopathy or antisocial personality disorder are very likely to be consistently violent in different settings.
After committing a violent act the narcissist will usually deny responsibility for his actions or behaviour. The narcissist has “alloplastic defences”. They do not accept responsibility for their actions. They accuse others or the world at large for provoking or aggravating his outbursts of violent behaviour. Narcissists typically think: “I am immune, I am untouchable, nothing can happen to me, I am a perfectly functioning machine”. It is like an incantation. He feels immune to the consequences of his actions by virtue of his inbred superiority and entitlement. Narcissists are also mildly dissociative. They sometimes go through depersonalisation and derealisation. In other words, some narcissists sort of “watch themselves” and their life from the outside, as one would a movie. Such narcissists do not feel fully and truly responsible for their acts of violence. “I don’t know what came over me” – is their frequent refrain. We heard this over and over again during Oscar Pistorius lengthy testimony.
HOW TO RESPOND TO NARCISSISTIC RAGE
You don’t. Not unless you want things to continue to escalate. You will never, ever, ever “win” an argument with a narcissist. Walk away if at all possible. Chances are 99.9% that they will follow you, screaming. Endure it, THEN leave ASAP.
Pretty much any response you give other than completely agreeing with anything the narcissist says, and placating them and apologising for hurting them, is going to feed the fire and fan the flames. If this is your first experience with the intensity of their rage, then you’ll most likely be too shocked to respond at all but know that it only gets WORSE after the first time.
My best advice to anyone involved with a narcissist is: Run. Leave, get out of town, and as far away from them physically as you can. Then make sure you ignore any attempts they make to contact or communicate with you, or engage with you in any way. They are masters at baiting and triggering people and drawing them back into their troubled world. So when you decide to leave, make sure you are completely independent of them financially, physically and emotionally. The only thing that’s worse than being with a narcissist is leaving and then thinking you have to go back to survive.
I hope that after reading this column you will have gleaned some insight into this disturbing and dangerous personality disorder as well as an understanding on how to protect yourself should you need to do so. I am always available to assist should you require help or advice.
Expert Profiling is contactable on Tel: 390 9957 email – [email protected] or [email protected] or on Twitter @LauriePieters.
