Saturday, June 3, 2023

I should have joined the army!

I blame my parents. Just how could they do this to me? I mean, if they had given me the right advice I would be so cosy it wouldn’t be funny. Not only me, but my parents would be equally cosy. Just think of my uncles back in the village. They would be drinking for free. People would be fighting to buy them drinks. So many people would be cosy.

How about my former classmates. I am talking about the blokes who used to sit at the back and ogle the teacher and dream of the day they would be grown up, and finally get to sleep with her. Why did my parents do this to me? If this were America I would sue. But I am so far away from that great country. I am stuck here. I doubt if I will ever set foot in America. Perhaps if the black guy wins I will finally get to America. But at the rate things are going I doubt if the black guy will win. By the day the chances of the black guy winning are receding. Come to think of it, I don’t even think he is a proper black. I mean he does not resemble me, or any of my friends. How then could he be black?
Let’s look at it this way. I would not vote for a white man to lead my country. Neither would I allow an Indian. Just what is it that makes some people think the white people of America will allow a black man to lead them? Anyway, in our desperation, if we consider him black enough, then for so long as he gets me to America, the man is black. That though is an issue for another day. Right now I am railing at my parents. My beef is that they denied me a career enhancing opportunity. If they had allowed me to follow my heart I would be cosy right now. They would be cosy. My poor relatives in the village would be cosy. My uncle would be able to insult all and sundry, safe in the knowledge that nobody could touch him.

The boys who wanted to sleep with the teacher would be cosy. Heck, that girl at secondary school who wouldn’t look at me twice would be swooning all over me. I should have joined the army. My parents should have allowed me to enlist. Okay, ours is not a serious army, but it’s an army nonetheless. I mean, our boys in green can shoot. They fly the fastest jets. They can march in step. And every year they mount a big show at the stadium to demonstrate how battle prepared they are for any eventuality. Of course, it’s all a big hoax. If the gloves came off and war erupted, we would be hard put to win against any of our neighbours. Our country is just too vast to be protected by a small army.

I mean, any invading force can simply stroll across the border and take over. That is, of course, until the Americans arrive. That is why I love America. America exists to save small countries like ours. Look at how they saved Kuwait. By the time they were through, Saddam, resplendent in a fur coat, shiny black shoes and a silky white shirt was swinging from the gallows. That’s what happens to rouges who mess with friends of America. Old Man next door should not even try. Anyway, my parents blew it. You see, in about two months we are getting a new president. He is said to be a fine man. Apparently he keeps fit and trains every day. He is also a former army man. The cherry on the cake is that his dad was president of this country. Now the son is set to become the head honcho of God’s little part of this continent.

In all fairness his behaviour is impeccable. He does not throw tantrums. Nor does he drink. We are reliably informed he does not smoke. He is said to go to bed early. Clearly, this is a serious man. I mean how could a man not drink? If I were set to become president I would take a couple of months off booze to detox my body. By the time I took my oath of office, I would be so clean and healthy the doctors would not believe it. Then I would hit the booze. I would rule the country and at the same time hit the booze for all my ten years in office. Courtesy of the taxpayer. If the newspaper reports are anything to go by, not only is the new president set to be cosy. Apparently many blokes who were in the army are going to get plum positions. I just read in the newspaper that the country would be under a democratic military government.

It seems many former army boys are set to be cosy. I shouldn’t begrudge them. They had smart parents who chose right. Their parents knew that at some point in the future anyone who had ever served in the army would get a nice position. That’s where I blame my folks. Why did they not send me to the army? What were they scared off? I would not have died in action because we are a pacifist nation and don’t fight wars. Had they sent me to the army I would be looking at a bright future. Look at the number of former army guys in the cabinet. Look at the number of former army guys running for political office. Look at the number of army guys reportedly set to get plum positions under the new government. I am bitter at my parents. Why did they not think and choose for me a rewarding career path like the parents of the blokes who joined the army?

Right now I am hitting forty years of age. Unless they relax the rules, I am too old for a stint in the army. The only solution is to make sure my son joins at an early age. My boy definitely must join the army. If he doesn’t become president, at least he will become a cabinet minister. If that fails, he will sit in parliament. Failing which he will get one of the plum posts in the government. Poor, and broke as I am I wonder why my parents had to do this to me. They should have allowed me to join the army. I think I want to cry!


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