It’s that time of the year again. In the coming months, we will be glued to our television sets following the antics of the mates of the Big Brother house. I used never to watch the show. But I have been pleasantly surprised to note that I enjoyed the last few episodes.
Big Brother is fascinating for many reasons. I mean, can you imagine a bunch of complete strangers being thrown together in a house and being asked to get along for three months? That on its own makes for interesting viewing. In my life, I have never spent the entire day speaking English.
But in the Big Brother house the poor souls have to speak English for the entire time. My jaw would ache if I was forced to speak English for two days. As somebody who thinks they have a brain I try to study the social dynamics presented in the show. Other people with less brains watch for other reasons.
However, Big Brother is also about rivalry between nations. Every country wants to be represented by the best housemate. That is why whoever is chosen to represent their country becomes an instant national hero or heroine. Just like with sport, every country feels good when it emerges the winner of Big Brother. That is why when you listen to the conversations of the housemates, they all talk up their countries. Even contestants from dirt poor, fly ridden outposts have something nice to say about their god-forsaken little piece of land.
In the coming show, I look forward to hearing what the Zimbabwean housemate will have to say about their country. I won’t miss a single show because I want to hear how many millions of dollars it takes to buy a box of matches.
But, on another note, Big Brother is serious competition at shower time. Apparently, shower hour draws the most viewers, especially of the female variety. The reason is simple. Female magazines tell us very few women are happy with the size of their partners. They watch Big Brother to see which of the male housemates is most endowed so that they can fantasise and dream sweet dreams. Otherwise, how else can we explain the immense popularity of shower hour with the female population?
During the first few days, the boys will be shy to display their crown jewels to the entire world. They would prefer to shower late at night when normal souls are fast asleep. But you can rest assured that the female folk will stay up until they see who the lord of the manor is. Many men don’t like discussing shower hour with their partners. That is why lots of blokes don’t watch shower hour with their partners. They prefer to watch it alone or with their mates. Most times after watching it they feel sorry for themselves and stop watching altogether.
I mean in the past some of the boys in the Big Brother house have made grown up men weep with shame the moment they stepped into the shower. But the most remarkable thing about shower hour is that the champion enables his fellow male countrymen to enjoy bragging rights and stroll around the continent with renewed confidence. Even the female folk of the country where big boy comes from take a lot of pride in his achievements. I am convinced that the most intense competition between countries on Big Brother is the male shower hour.
For instance that boy from Uganda became an instant celebrity when he returned home with the prize of the most endowed male in the house.
Today he is a television star. It is reported that wherever he goes on the continent many a woman swoon and throw themselves at his feet. But the biggest benefit accrues to other Ugandan men who live in other parts of our continent. They get to enjoy some benefits because of the exploits of their countryman. Now the only way to avoid embarrassment at shower hour is for a country to send a female housemate. In that way things move along quite smoothly. The reason I am raising the issue of Big Brother is that I have a feeling we are going to be represented by a male housemate. Automatically, that means women all over Africa will be waiting eagerly for shower hour to judge our chap.
When I think of it I start sweating. National pride is at stake here. As a proud country, I think we should make sure the bloke who represents us is, well, big enough to take on all comers. Like I have said before, this calls for the government to do its duty to safeguard the national interest. We must accept that it is difficult for the government to know the size of every male citizen. The government must, therefore, issue an advertisement inviting all chaps who believe they have it to come to a camp where they will be put through their paces with a ruler and the best man forwarded to Big Brother. That is the most practical way of making sure national pride does not suffer. I can think of no other way. But coming to think of it I think there is an even better way.
My suggestion is that all the good women of our country know the exact dimensions of their partners. When the country is facing such an emergency they are the only people who can come to our rescue. The government must request all women who believe their partners can defend the reputation of this great country to submit photographs of their partners in full glory. The officials, with the minister present, will then go into retreat somewhere quiet and study each and every photo. Having made their decision they will turn the photo over for the contact details of the winner and get in touch with him. Because this is national duty the bloke will be well paid to take part in the show.
And, of course, the patriotic female partner will also have to be given adequate compensation because chances are she will lose her man the instant he appears in the shower!
