We are in a constant game of life; constantly weighing each other to determine who is better. Better clothes and better houses; better children and better spouses. I once heard a joke that getting married is like going to a restaurant and ordering a meal; just to realise upon its receipt that your neighbour has ordered a meal of a superior quality than yours. In many ways through our language use we reflect who we are, who we pretend to be or better still, how we wish to be perceived. Language is like clothes. It suggests many things about the quality of our lives. Our accents and pronunciations give us our away as those groomed in the village and only later made it to the city. For some, their accents send a message of those brought up in the bright city lights.
They are the city people; they don’t just work here. For them, this place is home. They don’t need education to validate them. This is their home. They didn’t cook their dinner using dibi and bopere until they made it to the corridors of UB. No, for them this is home. Like clothes, language gives an image of who we are ÔÇô it doesn’t have to be a true image ÔÇô but it is an image still which we wish others to see.
If you wish others to take you seriously you do need to consider your words seriously with the same significance you consider your shirt and shoes. Some words, like smelly armpits, can reflect negatively on your character and respectability. The first is the word nice. Fewer words have suffered great abuse like the word nice. It is difficult to imagine an entity to which nice hasn’t been appended: nice shoes, nice car, nice day, nice man, nice clothes, nice newspaper, nice building, nice idea, nice music, nice program, nice professor, nice lawyer, nice clouds, nice lights, nice beer, nice door, and nice tyres. Unless you are in the habit of chewing on large pink chewing gums, you should avoid the word nice. The word nice communicates your language deficiency and your laziness to think seriously about life and the way language works. Instead of nice, one should seize on the following adjectives, and many others not listed here, to add colour, precision and respectability to language use. These are: attractive, enjoyable, pleasant, friendly, kind, relaxing, pleasing, lovely, cheerful, warm, genuine, welcoming, amiable, good-natured, bubbly, warm-hearted, pleasurable, restful, happy, skilful, masterly, accomplished, artful, slick, delightful, enchanting, captivating and cordial.
Secondly to appear more intelligent than you really are you should use nouns instead of verbs. Good writing books will tell you to use verbs instead of nouns. I however suggest that you break this rule for your dignity’s sake. If the most important thing for you is sounding more educated than you really are, what is most important is not clarity and precision, but creating a sense of educatedness for others to see ÔÇô whether such a creation is true or false, is another matter.
Instead of I wish to present this report to be considered by the board you should instead say My presentation to the board is this report for the board’s consideration. Instead of We are going to discuss the report you should write The report is up for discussion.
For you to sound important avoid single words. Instead opt for clusters of words, tired clich├®s, which suggest that you have been part of the bureaucracy for a long time. Instead of the word if use in the event that; instead of temporarily use on a temporary basis; instead of about use with reference to; instead of except use with the exception of; instead of I think use I am of the opinion that; instead of soon use in the near future and instead of even if use notwithstanding the fact that.
To appear more intelligent that you really are, use tautology. By tautology I mean an unnecessary or unessential repetition of meaning, using different and dissimilar words that effectively say the same thing twice. You have heard many people say: I saw him with my two eyes… That’s tautology.
Certainly there is no way you could have seen someone using your nose! Having said that tautology is part of official-speak and many feel it makes them sound sophisticated. Consider the following: end result, follow after, gather together, meet together, mix together, new beginner, original source, past history, personal friend, proceed onward, refer back, repeat again, rise up, this day and age, unexpected surprise, unjustly persecuted, and usual habit. All of these are tautological.
If you wish to advance in your job there are multiple pieces of jargon which you need to internalize. They may appear repulsive to others, especially English majors and English language teachers, but they give a sense of knowledgeability and being part of management. Instead of cutting jobs say downsizing; instead of enough say adequate; instead of complete use accomplish; instead of make say generate; instead of continuing say ongoing; instead of latest say state of the art and instead of alternative say viable alternative.
To sound more intelligent than you really are in your speech or writing try and use foreign words, such as French or Latin terms to spice your writing. Instead of goodbye turn to French and say au revoir; bon voyage for travel well or bonne chance for good luck and coup d’├®tat for the illegal overturning of a government. Latin may be a dead language, but not all its expressions are dead. Say lato sensu to mean in the broad sense; mea culpa for it’s my fault; motu proprio for of one’s free will or opus Dei for the work of God.
Finally, to appear more educated than you really are use big words. By big words I don’t mean long words such as elephant. I mean semantically obscure words which are known by a few. Use words such as ostentatious, opprobrium, non sequitur, loquacious, lassitude, insalubrious, impervious, hector, hortatory and many others. You will delight many lost souls and win much praise.
All of the suggested strategies above about appearing more educated than you really are, save for the first one, are better ignored by English majors and language specialists. However, the world doesn’t always work along the wishes of language experts. A fake accent can sometimes bestow upon its speaker much respectability just as some counterfeit money may present upon a thief much wealth.
