Monday, September 21, 2020

Letter to President Obama (part 2)

Mr President, now the hard work is about to begin.

Being president of America is not child’s play. There are so many responsibilities that come with the job.

You will have to declare war on little nations that misbehave and insult America. I know you come across as a man of peace. But every American president has to wage war. Otherwise how can America display her power?
Also the world needs a policeman to protect little countries who are buddies with America. Not only that, you will have to feed the poor all over the world. Some of us are where we are because of the gift from the people of the United States. The gift used to take the form of cooking oil and soya meal. I grew up on that. And because of America my children have never had to eat such food. If America had not fed me, enabling me to go through school without starving to death, I would not be where I am today. Hence my eternal gratitude to your great nation.

Even the people who hate America would not be where they are were it not for that cooking oil and soya meal.
Anyway my country is not nice anymore. Very soon I plan to move to America so that I can drink and dance to my heart’s content without being told when to sleep.
But coming to America is also important because you need me as your adviser. Last week I offered my services as an adviser on Africans. I am certain you have noted my pearls of wisdom and will treat Africans as I suggested.

Remember not to invite any of the leaders to the inauguration. They will infect you with terrible diseases. Remember not to take any calls from this continent. Every caller will be begging for money. And make sure you do not visit Africa.
If you stick to my advice half your work is done.

Now we get to another problem. Having agreed on how to handle Africans, there is the issue of the niggers.

The niggers are so happy it’s amazing. This is the first time they have been so happy. The last time they were happy was before their ancestors were shipped across the ocean. That was a long time ago.

Between them and the Africans it is difficult to tell who is happier. The niggers deserve to rejoice. I mean just fifty years ago they were not even allowed to vote in many parts of America. They were not allowed to date white women. They were not allowed to use the same public conveniences as white people. They had to stand in the bus for white kids. It was a miserable existence for them. Some of them considered returning to Africa. But life was equally grim here. So I am happy for the niggers.

Look there was a time when on a lazy Saturday afternoon, bored red necks could hunt a nigger to lynch just for sport. The changes that have occurred in America are remarkable indeed. For that we have to thank the many white people who showed faith in you. Were it not for them, there is no way you could have won. Were it not for them, the Africans and the niggers would not be beaming from ear to ear as they are today.
That said, what to do about the niggers?

In their happiness they need to be handled properly. For starters, they must be kept out of the White House. As things stand all the niggers want a visit to the White House. In fact they probably think they can walk in as and when they please. They must be disabused of this funny idea. We had white presidents before and they never had visitors walking around the place as if they owned it. They came by invitation. The same must apply for the niggers. They must be told they can’t just rock up to check on a homeboy.

There are different kinds of niggers. You must be careful who you allow to visit. You must allow only the niggers who have stayed long in school. As for the lot that quit midway in favour of a career in crime or vulgar rap music, the message must go out that they are not welcome. This will teach little niggers to study hard and choose decent careers if they ever want to visit the White House.

Granted there are some rappers who composed songs for your campaign and even donated some money. We can make a concession for them. They can visit. But conditions must be attached. They must come dressed properly. No low slung baggy pants showing their underwear or bum cracks. They must also leave the bling necklaces and rings behind. You just never know if they bought the stuff or whether it was stolen. We don’t want the police investigating you for consorting with thieves.

And knowing the niggers they might want to pose for pictures with you. We don’t want those photos produced in court as evidence. And please advise the niggers to speak proper English when they visit. Throughout your campaign you spoke the sort of English that would have made the queen proud. I am sure that is why many pale faces voted for you. Any nigger who visits must leave the gangster lingo at the gates. If they are unable to speak a recognizable language, then hard luck to them. It will be a lesson for baby niggers to stay long in school and learn proper English.

And before I forget, no swimming at the pool. Every time I watch a rap video there are lots of half naked women gyrating on the bonnets of cars parked by the pool side. No one must come to the White House and think they can drive their limousine to the pool side and start dancing with a bunch of half naked women, some barely out of their teens.

There must be no swearing either. Security must be sure to check for any drugs and other illegal substances. Everyone must put on their best behaviour.

I think if you follow my advice you will teach the niggers some positive things in life.
In that way you wont’ be the last black president of America!

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Sunday Standard September 20 – 26

Digital copy of Sunday Standard issue of September 20 - 26, 2020.